A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:O.k i REALLY need help with this.theres this guy (we will call him john) whos ive known for 10 years. he was my brother and cousins best mate. and he still is but they dont see each other much.well my mate is going out with his brother and john and i have been spending more time together and just having a laugh. there is a 9 year age gap between us. which i dont mind but the thing is i feel like his girl on the side. as he has 3 kids and a girlfriend who he has been with for 5 years.the night he kissed me i thought it was a one off but then he got my number from my mate and hasnt stopped txting and we ended up bumping into one another i the pub last night but it turns out my mate told him were i was as he really wanted to see me.i have told him its a very dangerous game to be playing since he is pretty close with my family and has kids involved.he says he with her for the kids and its obvious she doesnt really care for him and he doesnt care for her as they are always arguing and she has hit him on a few occasions in broad daylight in public.im not asking him to leave her or the kids. it would be nice if he could and everything be ok for us but im not that type of person. i feel really bad as i cant help thinking im wrecking a family apart. no-one apart from my mate and his brother know about us.i know i shouldnt have let him kiss me or texted him back e.t.c but he has just as much blame on him for even trying it on while he's in a relationship.please please please please help CONFUSED XXX
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male
reader, AFnATL  +, writes (26 April 2008):
In situations such as this I find it best to focus on what is right for you. I recommend you break this off as soon as possible until he has left his girlfriend. And tell him that so he knows to ring you up if he ever does. You are heading down a road full of emotional turmoil, drama, and unhappiness if you do not wait. And that is true regardless of whether you end up together or not at the end of this journey. Lets say you continue to grow closer to him emotionally, physically, etc. You will be emotionally falling in love with a person who isn't yet available. You will deal with the peaks and valleys of emotions as you try to arrange some time with the one you love. You will find yourself competing for his time with his girlfriend, his kids, his job, his life, etc. You will be the one on the outside looking in on the holidays. You will be the one wondering if he really loves you given you are "on the side" And you will find yourself closed to opportunities with other people who ARE available. Even if he eventually leaves for you, you will have gone through a lot of pain to get to that point. Isn't it better to set the boundaries now, let him know the criteria for moving forward, and continue to look for someone who IS available?
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