A
male
age
18-21,
Stalker
writes:I'm 19 years old and I've always had problems with girls.I first kissed when I was 18.I suffered one big dissapointment about with that girl and I was devastated for months.Eventually I managed to get back on my feet.It was like this until June of this year.Then I met a 3 years younger girl on some mobile phone chat.We started talking and found out that we know each other from kindergarden,where she was my best friend,but we lost contact later in life.I was very insecure and careful in the beginning,but we decided to meet in RL.Our first meeting was a miracle-we talked for 6 hours straight and she was impressed by me.She even said she might imagine marrying me one day.It was a complete shock to me,I met a girl who really wanted me for the 1st time in my life.However,we only saw each other 4 times and the last time I made a big mistake and said something that really made her made.Afterwards she went to the seaside and I realised what an idiot I was.I desperatly tried to fix things up,called her,begged her but she said she just didn't feel for me the same way anymore.It's been 4 months since we haven't seen each other and 2 months since she returned from the seaside.We've been texting each during that time and I asked her out to see me.However,she made a idiot out of me 4 times she accepted and then cancelled it just few hours before cause she "didn't feel like it".2 weeks ago she said she wants to love me again but she just can't and one week ago she promised me that we shall see each other but she cancelled it again and she said that no normal boy would fail to give up on a girl after this much time and that she doesn't like my personality.I just can't give up.I'm a severe love shy and there is no chance I'll ever find another.And I really felt for this girl.I know her home adress and I would like to try anythinh,even wait for her at her street.Am I doing the right thing by not giving up?
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best friend, insecure, shy, stalking, text Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): dude! you gotta move on. it is SO true that girls are like taxis. hehehe
all you are doing is feeling sorry for yourself and making things seem more pathetic and worse.
have some respect for yourself!!!!
A
male
reader, rcn  + ♥, writes (7 November 2007):
 I have to agree, just glancing with, the best way to find girls is to stop looking. Could that be part of the reason when you are dating it seems as if everyone wants to go out with you, then you're single and can't find a date. lol
I commend you for going out. You're not the only one who's affected and hurts. Myself, I was with a girl for a year, who unfortunately had a disorder that causes anger, plus a whole variety of bad things. I had always been a positive person, being abused by her still affected me. Aside from going to the store and school, I literally spent 6 months in bed. We get affect, but we have to overcome pain and hurt.
This is why it is very very important for you to work on yourself and build yourself up. You need to learn to deal with rejection (which is generally not directed toward you.) I'll tell you why. Let's say this doesn't happen, but you find someone else who you shows interest and you begin dating. You had the first girl, broke up, still unresolved, you have the second girl, broke up, still unresolved, you have your being shy, low self esteem, depressed, etc. When you begin a relationship all that I listed comes with you into the new relationship. Do you think it's fair to fall in love with someone and only have to offer them the part of you that has not been damaged because you left so many things unresolved? Every time you get hurt, you can subtract that part of you from being a positive part in a relationship.
In order to do this, you're going to have to learn to be single and love it. You need to eliminate the pain that was caused you in the past. You need to figure out who you are. If I asked you, what are you looking for in a girl, would you be able to answer? I'm talking about qualities, not body style. If I asked you who you are, would you be able to answer me? Now we all know, at least you state, you are a male, but this is much further than that. What are your beliefs? What are your standards when you get up every morning for living that day? What are your standards in how you treat others and expect to be treated? What personalities do you have that would be beneficial in a relationship? You need to find all this out, because if you don't know you, how can you judge what you're looking for?
It takes work, but it's essential to happiness. Build personal happiness and you'll find all of your friendships, family, and dating relationships will be greatly enhanced by the work you did. I wish you the best and take care.
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A
male
reader, Stalker +, writes (7 November 2007):
Stalker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your answers.
I went out a bit today and I feel a little better cause I spent last two days at home feeling sorry about myself.
The thing is,I mentioned in my first post that I've suffered a dissapointment before with a girl who claimed she liked me.We went out 3 times and I couldn't even kiss her so the 3rd time she kissed me but I was clumsy and she dumped me.
I was in great pain because I had no experiences before that.
And when she came I was really cautious and kinda rude cause I expected the same thing to happen and I was in a middle of a finishing high school so I was edgy.That's one of the reasons she dumped me.
And now it hurts a lot more than first time,I feel like if I let go I won't move on but sink into complete despair.As long as she hasn't dumped me face to face a have something to hang on to,even if it's a illusion
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A
male
reader, Asexy +, writes (7 November 2007):
 The best way to find a girl is to stop looking. When you're desperate for a girlfriend, it's like they can smell the neediness on you, and they all disappear.
What is REALLY sexy to a woman is self-confidence. When you feel comfortable alone in your own skin, they'll be lining up to be with you. Learn to be comfortable by yourself, and then you won't be for long.
So how do you do this? Start doing something you really enjoy -- anything. Play a sport, join a club, sing in a choir, take a dance class. Anything. Bonus points if it's something where you can meet people.
When you feel good about yourself, you'll automatically attract the girl who is right for you, I promise.
In the meantime, move on from this girl. You're only feeling desperate with her, and that's not healthy. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn + ♥, writes (7 November 2007):
At this time, I don't believe you're doing the right thing. She's a person, and has the right to choose who she's with and who she's not with. You said here that you begged and that you're desperate. Two reasons. First Begging is self centered. It's telling her why you want her, not why she should choose you. Second, its somewhat being controlling. Having someone you want, you can't force her to be with you. In order to approach her correctly, and do things right you need to learn how to. First, you'll need to seek counseling. This behavior of her being the only one you'd find ever is not normal behavior. You have a low self esteem, and you need to build your sense of self. Girls seem to like guys that are "personally" strong, with good morals and that will treat them with respect.
I think you should back off from her, no matter how hard it may be and seek counseling to gain the tools for personal growth, then you'll be ready for this challenge. Right now you're trying to drive the car with no engine and tires. It doesn't work well.
Anyone on here could give you simple tools. But their short lived. If you have a chance with her, It should be lasting and not temporary by not taking the time to learn.
Get the tools before you try, and don't park down her street, in our country we arrest people and put them in jail for stalking. If you do that, no more chances. She'd never see you as anyone other than someone with the potential to harm her. That may not be your intention, but with all the rapes, and assaults, and kidnappings, that's how it's viewed.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (7 November 2007):
 She sounds like she is over you. You sound desparate.
If I were you, I'd give up and don't try so hard the next time. A smothering approach to anyone won't get you far. Relax and enjoy yourself. Women are like taxicabs, if you miss one, another will be right around the corner. Begging is the quickest way for someone to lose respect for you. Get off your knees and take some pride in yourself.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Stalking her - not a good idea. Your intentions might be REAL, but you are setting yourself up for public humiliation. She might be shocked when she sees you, and then react in a funny way.
If you really want to go on trying, then be totally honest with her. Tell her that although it seems strange to her, you really do have feelings for her, and you realize that you were an idiot by saying the things you did. Maybe you were so happy to finally find someone that really liked you, that you came on too strong, and this might have frightened her.
So tell her you understand she has her doubts, but you really think this could be something special.
If she still insists that she's not interested, or if she doesn't show up AGAIN, then cut your losses and move on.
I don't believe you when you say that you'll never meet another girl, and you shouldn't either. It is because you believe this that you are single.
Every pot has a lid.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  + ♥, writes (7 November 2007):
 Love cannot be imposed. When it is not there, it is simply not there and nothing you can do will change that. It is not your fault and it is not her fault. It is simply not there!
No. You should not go to her street. You should not even text or call her. You need to let go of this illusion of her and of finding true love in her. She probably isn't the one. Although you feel you will not meet anyone else, believe me you will!! We always do!
I encourage you to seek professional help. There are some things of your personality you, yourself, don't love. If you don't love yourself nobody else will be able to love you. If you want true happiness in life, you need to accept yourself, your feelings, your personality and decide for happiness. This, however, requires professional help of an outsider who might be able to guide you trough the process. Good luck!
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