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I feel like my husband hates me. When I walk into the room disgust comes over his face.

Tagged as: Faded love, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 July 2007) 43 Answers - (Newest, 25 December 2012)
A female United States age 41-50, *mbound writes:

I feel like my husband hates me. When I walk into the room disgust comes over his face. We have been struggling financially because I was in nursing school. Since graduating I am working 2 jobs, raising 3 kids, running the paperwork end of a cleaning business. We have not had sex since 10/06. When I asked him he said that he is depressed. I feel like a loser. I start to think divorce but when would I have time. I feel depressed now too. I only am good when I am at work. HELP

lmbound

View related questions: at work, depressed, divorce

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2012):

@RejectedHusband I am so sorry for your pain.

I have found a great book that helped me with a disastrous marriage (24 years). It's called Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson.

It's really helped me to put things in perspective,like all the feelings that crop up when your married to someone who is emotionally immature.

I would highly suggest you see a counselor who has experience with domestic abuse (verbal and emotional can be more crippling than physical,I know).

Also, you may be codependent (I am), you might google melody beattie (she has a great book on codependency) and you can also check out coda.org. It will help you find a codependency group in your area. It's free and it will help you talk out your problems without rejection or judgement.

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A male reader, Rejected Husband United States +, writes (24 December 2012):

So I just googled "Is it ok if a wife tells her husband i hate you" and this was the first link.

I'm a husband, and my wife hates me. How do I know? She tells me she hates me. At least once or twice a week for the past two and a half years. Usually on the weekends when she sees me more. We have had sex three times in the last year. Yesterday, Saturday, after we had gone sledding with our two-year-old daughter, she was complaining of a sore back. I offered to give her a back rub. She said sure but "Only a back rub, nothing else." I still gave her the back rub and maybe that's part of my problem. I am still so nice to her, at least in my opinion. She constantly tells me I'm a jerk, an asshole, the worst husband in the world, etc. She tells me this stuff in front of our daughter. Then she also accuses me of "making her the bad guy" when my daughter always wants me to be the one to tell her stories, sled with her, etc.

It's my own fault. When I was dating this woman, she was on Zoloft. I knew it. I believed her when she said that she was only taking it to get through residency without being depressed. And I guess she was. She stopped taking it when we started trying for a baby. From the moment she stopped taking it, she has resented me more and more. My work hours have actually decreased, I barely work more than 40 hours a week now, but she still complains shriekingly even though I'm always the one to pick up our daughter from day care and I spend a ton more time with our daughter.

I've given up two jobs and moved twice for her as she's tried to find the perfect fit after residency. She claims that I wanted to move each time. Of course I didn't, she brought it up both times, but I agreed both times because I just wanted her to be happy. I finally realized, way too late, that she was never going to be happy. She's just always miserable and the woman I fell in love with was just a drug-induced mirage. I'm an idiot.

Anyway. That's my story. I'm sorry for all the people in here, all women apparently, who have horrible husbands. I guess my situation is better than much of what's been posted below. My wife helps somewhat with our daughter, and she is nice to my family, and she does talk to me sometimes about things like politics and books, which was once a source of great joy for us. I'm still trying every day to stay in love with her, so I guess that means there's hope.

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A female reader, Love Eve to Evolve United States +, writes (20 April 2012):

I have just finished reading through all the answers and can't believe how many of us women are being treated so poorly in our own homes. My 6 year marraige is like a weight pulling me down. Although my husband is charming, funny and cordial (flirtations, even) to women out in public, he treats me with contempt, scorn, riducule and disrepect at home, then acts like a "victim" if I dare to mention his horrible behavior. I have spent all of my time, inheritanve and energy trying to recreate respect and romance in our relationship, only to be totally rejected. Did I mention we never have sex? For yeas I cried because I thought it was me. Wasn't I attractive enough? Sexy enough? Smart enough? I had never had any problem with sex and romance in previous relationships...and things were fine in the very early stages of our relationship. What had become of the beautiful, smart, desireable girl I once was? Why did my husband hate me?? Then, one day, the I became painfully aware of the truth. It was'nt me....my husband was using porn instead of me, and was turning me into his scape goat by treating me like I was horrible, thereby making it my fault. Yes, ladies. I left the house, and returned home earlier than expected only to find him pants off, on the bed, one hand on his lap top, one hand in his lap. Suddenly it hit me....all the time on the computer, the secrecy, the "little white lies"...the "I'm too stressed, I'm too tired"...the critism...and the random images that "just got sent" to our computer etc. etc. The truth is girls there is a horrible thing attaking our femininity and our husband's abilities to be emotionl beings capable of reciprication, attatchment and caeing: it's called internet porn. Now I am not a prude.....but I have to say that men seemed to be visually wired, and...it's so much easier to just click a button for immediate gratification, no demands, no effort, just selfish pleasure. It's just like a toddler with candy...getting what they want the easy way...having a tantrum when they don't get it (ie: you dare to expect them to be an emotional adult, and acr like a partner, not a narcisitic child. Make no mistake ladies. It's not you. It's him....and his (sad, billion dollar industry) porn usage. It may seem "harmless" at first, but real women (even beautiful ones!) cannot compare with the freakish stuff available on line....and real women usually require some respect and friendship to get ready for sex...something the "actresses" in porn don't need because they are getting paid and usually on drugs. Men are de-evolving very rapidly. We need to take a srand on what we will tolerate, and that includes porn. Porn is an affair of the mind. His body and brain don't know the difference if she is on line or in person. How can he respect you when he can get his needs met regardless of how mean, lazy gross or abusive he is. We all deserve better. Best Wishes and Good luck!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012):

I am sorry about your husband. Mine, too - 21 years. Couldn't say a nice thing to me, to save his life. Would rather argue about saying nice things than actually saying the nice things. Did you follow that? Has called me disgusting and said that I had a face of hate. I would call out to God above and thank him for my husband. Every time. More often than not, I was crying when I said it. My husband makes a lot of money and put a fake, 25.00 ring on my finger. That is all I am worth to him. I made a lot of changes over the years trying to please him. NOTHING will please that man. He is selfish to the core. However, along the way, I got rid of some bad habits. God walked with me every step of the way. HE was faithful, when my husband was not. Today, I DO look more like Jesus. My husband is still hateful to me. He found a honey and likes pornography. I now pray, "God, release me". He will, too. God is faithful.

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A female reader, Bme4 United States +, writes (12 August 2011):

I feel the same as you do in so many ways. My husband could care less about me... He never looks at me, talks at me instead of to me and tells me I'm fat all of the time. I feel absolutely worthless. I know I need to be around for my daughter, but if is were not for her I don't know if I would be around anymore at all. I don't mean just in the marriage, I am so tired of feeling so worthless all of the time and feel like my will to live is getting weaker and weaker.

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A female reader, Brokenteardop United States +, writes (21 April 2011):

It was heartbreaking, & painfully awakening to read all of these similar stories, so similar to mine. My marriage is one of walking, rather, tip toeing on egg shells not knowing from day to day how my Husband is going to act towards me and our daughters. I can sincerely honestly say that I have no clue why Im being hated, treated with anger & hostility at least 95% of the time. He has no love, no forgiveness no desire for me. I find myself apologizing for everything, no matter if we both know its his doing just to try to by miracle, get him to stop giving the silent treatment to me, and make love. He refuses to touch me, have sex or wipe away my tears, he doesnt bother holding me & talking to me anymore. I am still there for him regardless, but its gotten so bad that I cry every day & night, feel so depressed & i cant seem to see the light at the end of this dark tunnel that should be full of love.... Theres so much more to say, but I have to tell all of you beautiful ladies that being able to talk about this, & hear your stories, really gives me so much support & love even though we are all strangers.... God bless...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011):

I am so sorry for your situation. I think my husband hates me too. I understand how you feel. You sound like a very hard-working person. Don't forget that you are important and you deserve to be happy.

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A female reader, Fearlessodd United States +, writes (14 January 2011):

Wow this situation sounds bad from every angle. How do you find your way out then? I guess you start by realizing you only have the power to change what is in your control. Yourself, your happiness, career, your future, and those of your children. Your husband sounds like he is mired in a mess of his own making. Yes, children, and finances do put stress on people. However, he has the biggest hand in the way he is feeling, and is making it affect you as well. I hate to say, but no intimate contact for that long means something is majorly wrong, and ten to one, it's not you. Like I said, he's depressed, he's stressed, and it sounds like that's all he is bringing to the table. Here you are doing amazing things, getting through school, raising children, working two jobs. He should be making an effort to encourage, support, and meet you halfway. This is just how it looks from the few sentences you've submitted. Someone who has accomplished as much as you have should feel empowered to change what you can within your situation, or make the decision to get out of this situation. Your guy sounds like he needs to make an effort to obtain help for the depression. Hope everything works out and you find your bliss.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011):

Many of us women are going through this type of treatment. I have put up with bad behavior, stupid choices, and loneliness even though married. You have to be strong. Pay attention to the fact that his behavior is only making it easier to go at it alone. If you are handling the bills and he is not putting his fair share in. Just calculate what the expenses would be if you are paying all of it, subtract any of "his expenses". You will find that man who hate you, just want to suppress you so that you do not know who you are and how powerful you are. Save money in your own credit union account. Believe that you can take care of yourself and kids just fine, if you have to. IF your husband resorts to being more verbal abusive, began seeking another place to stay. Hire a bankrupty lawyer to get your name of the current home if you have to. You will need your credit. Pay off anything that has both names on it, do this with his little money he gives you. When a joint account is paid, close it. Open an account in your name if you need it *(do this while paying off the joint account). Leave anything that is in his name alone. LET HIM PAY IT. If you have a joint account, only put the bare minimum in it to pay current bills, NOT MORE THAN HALF of the bills.) Direct deposit the rest of the money to your own account. Ladies without a job, you will need to get a job because your husband is taking advantage of the fact that you are not self-effecient and is not giving you enough money to do anything. He is not even thinking that his money is really "our" money. In his mind, its "his" money and you and the kids are a burden to him. Please take a class - online if you have to, open an account, and have student loan money direct deposited there. Take the maximum loan you can. Do not tell him about it. He will blow it. This is for you to have so you can empower yourself.

Women, be strong. you are already lonely. Prepare to go your own way and start over. Some of you will find that this will be the bold move to shock your man with some "act right". Others will find that you are truly starting over alone. Those of you who have physical abusive husbands - go the shelter so they can protect you and transport you far away enough to be safe. Do not let these men steal your joy, love, and selfrespect. They are not being fair and are selfish. It can lead to a codependent helplessness if you are trapped in this kind of relationship too long. Pray on it. Life suppose to be happiness both ways. Many have simply married the wrong guy for the wrong reasons and did not have God's approval for it. God will forgive you and lead you the rest of the way.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010):

Hate is a very strong emotion. Leave him and move on.

Its all about respect for oneself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010):

Hate is a very strong emotion. Leave him and move on.

Its all about respect for oneself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010):

Please don't listen to this awful advice that will destroy your family. I am from a broken home and at the age of 29, my life is full of anguish from the hurt my broken family brings me. Please reach out to someone who will pray for you and your husband. Seek a christian counselor who can lead you through the steps to make your marriage better. I would like to recommend the book Love and Resepct by Dr. Emerson Eggerets. It was completely eye opening for my husband and I. God can heal anything that you are facing but it will take coming to know him personally. He is ready to start a relationship with you and be your healer and restorer of your marriage, family, and life. My prayers are with you at this time but please don't let others tell you to get out of the marriage, it will destroy lives like you won't believe. You have to be committed to your marriage vows and while it is never safe to live in a situation if it is physically abusive, if that is not the case, reach out to a local christian church and let them know you are in need of marriage counseling. There are people all over who would be willing to life you up in prayer and offer wise counsel. God it good and he will never let you down.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010):

Oh my goodness. I am so, so, so, so sorry for you ladies. Sorry is not good enough. I started to respond to just one of you and then I read the first 5 and realized that there are so many of you suffering. I want to lift you all up, tell you what wonderful, strong, intelligent women you ALL are. You are NOT disgusting. So what if you still have some weight to lose?!! A few shed pounds will not make your husbands magically kind again. If you stay in an environment where someone constantly puts you down, you are going to start to believe it. It's not true! And it is not just going to fix itself. Such sadness and despair. Try to stay strong. Don't lose yourself in your sorrow. To feel you are hated and disgusted by the man that you adored must be devastating. Things have a way of working themselves out, but if it has been 10, 5, or even 2 years it is long ENOUGH. It is time to say enough. Don't sit around and allow someone who was supposed to cherish you for life, destroy you. Find a way out. You deserve So much better!!!! Life is meant to be happy. Don't just let it pass you by. Find that way out! Divorce, counseling, whatever. And try not to let the kids be your reason for staying together. They would MUCH rather come from a broken home than an unhappy one. You may think that they are too young to know what is going on, but they do. Get out while you can. If you do find the courage to leave or make a big change you will look back on your life and wish that you would have done it sooner. I will be praying hard for each and every one of you. --Gia

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010):

wow i have only been married for about 5months,and he acts like this already..just last night we were arguing and he says "i hate your f*cking guts, f*ck you!!"..now im not the type of person to say i hate you, and really even curse, but i feel like if you really hate you WIFE whats the point of being married. we have a daughter, and one on the way, and of course i dont want a broken home for them, i grew up in a great family environment, so this is very harsh for me. I know soon my daughter will be able to hear the words and understand them, i want this to stop now.im not working, hoping to go back to school, but who knows! i dont hate my husband, but he hates me, and im not saying im the best wife, but i feel like if he were a better husband that would make me want to be a better wife for him. He is supposed to be the leader the man, but really he is still a child..leading this family to ruin..i can already see it..No i dont cook for him anymore, no we dont have sex, and yes he spends all his time on his dual screen computer, i dont want a divorce simply for the fact that i dont want to prove anyone right..but i can see thats where we might be headed.. he gives me no confidence in our marriage, his way of thinking is very off..i know that when our children get older they wont respect him at all if he keeps acting like this..To tell you the truth i feel like giving up all ready(emotionally, and mentally) and basically just doing my own thing, taking caare of the house and kids, and not really caring what he does, or how he feels.Now thats pretty bad for being married for only 5 months..I feel so alone, and really just want to get away, take my baby and just leave to the islands or something.Well i guess we will see how things work out within the next 5yrs, if its still this way then forget it! im just going to give up (mentally), and do my own thing, but of course i hope it works out..hope someone gets help from this, and doesnt feel so alone

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010):

get divorce life is way short and maybe you wasting time a mean when a marriage is lose is lose if you really feel that is not way of be happy with him or him be happy with you then you wasting you time. i stay with a guy i dont love for 12 yrs i feeling like i on jail i dont feel happy and i tired at firts i try all to make him happy but he dont respect me and thats mean he dont love me so i tired i stay with him because of kids and because i economical depended so i have not option., what is your excuse for not be happy????

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010):

Your husband MAY be involved with pornography. Read up on the topic. You described a few of the red flags. No interest in sex, depression, 'disgust' toward spouse (really self-hatred but it feels like he doesn't like you). It is an epidemic today with the internet. Whatever the problem get help. You and your husband deserve to be happy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2010):

Hello,

My husband hates me as well. He has told me so when he is less reserved and guarded. When he is on his game, he says he loves me and we will be married forever. When he is tired, he tells me that I am only here to raise our son then it is over for us. If I divorce him, it will be war and my son will suffer. So I stay in the marriage, unable to form another connection with anyone.

After we were married for three months, he started to no longer make eye contact and criticize me on any information I gave about myself. I became more secretive since all information he knew about me was used against me with vicious words and looks.

I told myself he was working too hard and tired, recovering from the loss of one of our children, angry about my spending. He was angry about spending for any purpose. He called our money "his" money.

Yes, he hates me... lol... He told me he could not imagine ever liking me or touching me again. Maybe this is a blessing.

My son has 10 years to go until he is an adult. My husband and I both want him to have a full and complete feeling of family. My son cannot defend himself so he comes first.

I have decided to pray about it. I know my son can feel the feelings between us. A man in love with a woman is always more kind. I have decided that in order to have him love me again, I have to stop caring if he hates me. Perhaps enjoying his hate, as if it is love. It does have a certain passion to it. I definitely have to stop spending on everything except strict necessities and create alternate revenue streams.

Money stress can often cause a spouse to hate us. It is not comfortable and secure.

I also have to lose the rest of my weight and get fit. I need to do this for health as much as for my husband to stop hating me. I noticed that fresh raw fruits and vegetables make my skin and eyes look amazing. My husband seems a lot less angry at me when I have this look.

So a husband would want a wife that balances him financially, looks beautiful, dresses stylish, is loyal and loves him. He would want her agreeable and quiet of soul. This is a lot to accomplish when one is raising one or more kids.

Kids are brutal on the finances and the husband can feel very trapped, like his life lacks adventure and the ability to dream. The woman is usually more bound by the needs of the children, but the husband feels the obligation of providing all, even if he is not doing so.

This is why financially prosperity is a key component for your husband no longer hating you. However, there are women who are physically and financially fit who are still hated by their husbands.

So your husband has to find that you are a positive part of his identity. He has to feel you believe in him and that he can do all things because of your love for him.

I know this seems impossible, however, I believe with day by day focus I can turn my husband from hatred back to love. It will take a few years, but it is possible.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010):

I have been married for 5 years and find that our best strengths are that we are not afraid to yell at each other and then listen, compromise on small things, we are very simular people so that also helps, neither one of us is passive agressive, and we both have a strong faith in God. Don't be afraid of verbal conflict. Accert yourself. You married him for a reason. Remind him of the reasons. Remember, even people who love each other can have nasty fights. Because my husband and I talk about every little annoyance before it becomes a lasting problem, then are easier to extinguish. You could tell him that. Chances are that your husbands don't really hate you and doesn't even know that there is anything wrong. The best strategy is to spell things out to him (respectfully of course). You'd also be surprised by what happens when you ask direct questions and then listen. Here are some good examples: "I feel like you are ignoring me because you grunt when I tell you things, It seems like you hate me because you make faces when I talk to you. Why?, I know that I've been busy. Is that why you are upset?, Do you hate me? He'll say WHY DO YOU THINK THAT? Tell him what you've noticed and also say that you want the both of you to be better communicaters, Are you depressed because I am not around often. If that's the reason..then you have a husband that will possible open up. Use that. Remind him of the goals you share and remind him of happier times that can still be possible after nursing school..., Tell me what's on your mind..., A random 'I love you' might work, I want us to be happier together. but it's hard when you seem you are unwilling to talk to me..., Why are you saying you hate me? We need to talk about it." Most breakup happen because of lack of communication and common interests. Always ask God for Strength and the ability to forgive. Also remember that the police will be on your side if he gets violent. (As a side joke, you could also get a simple handheld tazer if he is the violent type. Okay, maybe that's not funny, but the mental image of a mean husband on the floor after a taze unable to move or talk coherantly is funny. All he can do at that point is listen.)

Love and God Bless,

Kirsten

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010):

I have been married for 10 years. I can relate to every word and every post I have read. My husband scares me. When I ask him a question, he chooses not to look at me. We haven't had sex for nearly 18 months. Money is not an issue we both have good stable jobs. In the evenings he goes into the spare bedroom, shuts the door and spends time on the internet. He doesn't allow me to use his computer. He is very private. I do believe he is bipolar. I also did research within his family and his siblings are very similar. I just want to be loved and this hateful attitude makes me very depressed. I have to put on my happy face for my daughter and pretend everything is OK. It is hard living a lie. He makes me feel that there is something wrong with me, not him. I have to seperate myself from the truth to be strong. I keep thinking it will be better, but it never does. I am lonely at night.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010):

I really feel for you. I put up with all sorts of abuse for over 30 yrs from my husband and one of the things he did was look at me as though I was the most vile thing he could imagine. We hadn't had sex for over 8 yrs. Eventually, I couldn't take anymore and told him I had come to the end of my tether. He was utterly perplexed, hadn't even noticed anything was wrong. So I spent time reading and researching into not only his behaviour, and that of his parents. What I had witnessed matches up to a range of personality disorders. My husband was emotionally neglected by his mother and to feel good about himself he has to have someone around to feel superior to, me. That is why he treated me like something he had trodden in. Does any of this ring a bell. I hope you find a way to get a better life for yourself. Good luck

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A female reader, cocomac United States +, writes (24 October 2010):

Marriage It is a lot of work, emotionally, spiritually, physically ect... I have learned to deal with my husband. He too is, as the husbands are described, the difference is that he is bipolar and does not believe he has this problem.He loves me one minute, will do anything for me. The next minute he hates me, and I can feel his hate, it's bad.I used to be scared of him, especially for my two sons which are 9 and 11. I block out the bad and enjoy the good. I have learned how to put him in a good mood after 14 years of marriage. It is not always a smooth ride, but I am very HAPPY. Focus on the good, try and change the bad, and cook some bacon, most men love the smell of bacon. Take care of yourself, this is the hardest thing to do,. He is the opposite sex and in part married you because your a women..

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A female reader, cocomac United States +, writes (24 October 2010):

I hope you all worked it out.

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A female reader, mizi United Kingdom +, writes (21 October 2010):

my husband is the same with me,we have been married 9 years,i met him when he had 3 kids,the youngest being only 2,the youngest is now 15 and i feel i have done the job he wanted me for.I have had 4 boys,their grown up now but it breaks their hearts to see how this man treats me,he told me 6yrs ago that there would be no more kissing,he told me 4 yrs ago that there would be no more sex and i am just like his house keeper.It is easy for people to say "move on",i am 57yrs old,i feel i dont have the strength to start again,he is the one with the money,he wants me to move out and just disappear off the face of the earth.I dont know why men are so horrible,if i was younger i would be on my way and i think that you should divorce your man,you have lovely kids to help you heal and that need you,be happy and move on,dont get to my age and wish you had done it years before,good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010):

To the nursing student with 3 kids- I have a husband and he did the same thing, he left me tho while I was in nursing school and I could barely pay my bills. I told him he can treat me with respect or we would have to be apart. I am not going to be treated without respect. I love myself to much for that. You should love yourself also, nursing school is nothing to sneeze at, two jobs? and 3 kids? Sounds like there is no self love there because you are trying to please everyone but yourself. Your husband has to find his own happiness and you cannot do it for him as much as you are trying your actually moving backward instead of forward why would he get better if he has you there to be miserable for him? Why should he try to figure out what is making him unhappy when your always there to work and fix things? He can just continue to live the life he has without getting better. (I know I don't know you but the situation is the same all over) Unless a person can love himself he will have problems with loving his partner. I have a bood for you (you can't make your husband read it but you need something to reference so you can at least get over the hump) The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz

You should try it.... It really worked for me... Your husband will have to find his own book...

Good luck from another nursing student

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A female reader, Thesad1arizona United States +, writes (11 October 2010):

Dear World..I'm from queen creek arizona and very lost for 3 years now...I have been poking and prodding him for answers.,not understanding the changes...at all I did not see it I had no idea he hated me...I new things had changed I did not realize it has gotten this far when I sit here and read all the stories it seems like some of my chief complaints..about the money (in which hes never been stingy)if not classy.., he calls me stupid and dome now before I was his world..he hunted me down for years 4 to be exact even when I told him I'm not wife material I'm not good for me him the list goes on..seems almst 7 months after I said I do in came the changes...he joined the army his ego got to his head..and as the years have gone by I just did not see it comming..I gave him all my trust and waited years faithfully while he was doing tours.only for him to come home and treat me like a cancer...I do feel hes been unfaitful a woman confessed it to me by tex....he adimitly denies it...i asked him year after year have you fallen out of love no its the war...lets work on it when i return that day never came only a cold shoulder,,,he wont even touch me....I ask for divorce he does not seem to want that either im torn..betwen my kids,my faith who does not honor divorce and being the victim of verbal and emotional abuse. im alone here with no family and feel so alone...financailly strapped i feel no way out....even if i wanted to forgive him for cheating i cant he wont admit to it so i cannot heal...i thought i was honoring god by marrying i felt him tugging at my spirit that now was the time....then almost overnight he lost interst in me..now seems everything that comes out of his mouth is negative....he use to make me feel like a princess now i feel hated,ignored...i feel like i have no value..but afraid a shelter will be my girls next home if i leave and feel they wil resent me cause there so close to him....help?

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A female reader, smartj Australia +, writes (4 October 2010):

my dear,you and i hav almost the same thing in common.my own husband is driving my crazy.he dosnt give me money,he is not happy with me.am only in my marriage b/c of my 3 kids and what poeple will say if i leave.

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A female reader, Cleorabell United Kingdom +, writes (1 August 2010):

I could be you. You took my story and made it yours. I wish I had a answer. Money is always a factor. I am not , fat, ugly or stupid. I am a nurse. But I have no life and I am a slave to a man who does not love. touch or care about me at all. I was a strong happy person and 10 years later I am a week, scared depressed woman. We both are looking for answers, I wish i could help. I wish I could help me.

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A female reader, onceuponatime1 United States +, writes (30 March 2010):

I have just read "Scoma's" answer and feel so much better because it is the scenario of my life. The whole thing with the money, the sunny way she is with her children. Only difference I failed my pre entrance nursing exam only the math portion so my dream is shattered. But I am going to keep trying even if it means I will not be a nurse. As soon as I get away from this man or thing I know my life will go as intended. He is incapable of a relationship of any sort. I have really learned my lesson very well, I have raised my son without working done without. I do also overdraw the checking account because I don't know what he makes and he wont tell me.

I live on $20.00 per every 2 weeks, I write checks I memorize his bank accounts . I do what I have to do and very soon in just a matter of time I will be away from his wrath. I know he will give me a hard time with child support. So that is the only thing I am worried about the financial s. Not for me but for my son. I want to provide for him in every way possible . I don't mean designer jeans and shoes I mean opportunities, school, recreation etc. He is a smart beautiful child who is in the Autistic spectrum and it takes alot of doctors and alot of work . And I have provided all of that so far. And I am planning his future too. I just want him to be happy and then I can die in peace . I could care less anymore about my husbands happiness he ruined that years ago when he decided he hated me. Sex has not happened since my son's birth. After you give birth my husband, feels that you are no longer sexually desirable, you aren't his whore anymore just his mom. And it has taken me a while to realize its not me.

And I would have done so much better with another man. But then I would not have my little pride and joy . The shining star who brings me out of the muck of life. Its all good and will be even better without this sloth that I married.

God bless me and my angel. God bless this website it helps alot in the healing dpt.

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A female reader, Scoma United States +, writes (22 March 2010):

Scoma agony auntHi, I am feeling your agony and have a lot of similar scenarios. My husband puts up a hateful face to me and says things under his breath for me to hear. He throws my things like bags or clothes. He says verbally he hates me with all his heart. I used to cry to myself for days. He didn't know how I felt.

One day an angel appeared to me (in human form) and said to me how wonderful and compassionate he thought I was. It was a phone solicitor and I was nice and cordial with him. He gave me a blessed compliment and I told him I wished my husband felt the same. He became angry and told me his last profession was a counselor and he gave me good advice. He told me to hold my ground and set up boundaries. Your man and mine do know how to be polite and nice (they are to others) My husband tells his children at least 20 times a day "Do you know who loves you?" It is really nice but it is brainwashing. My six year old daughter heard him say to me that if it weren't for the kids he would have dumped me. She heard him say that he hated me. I stood my ground and said it is impolite to say words that you later do not mean. Later when you want sex do you hate me? He couldn't say anything but something stupid like then I'll get a girlfriend. My daughter went into the shower and I told her discretely I told daddy that it was bad manners to say you hate someone you love. She said, God wants us to love and the devil wants us to hate. It must be the devil. From the mouths of babes comes the truth.

I had such a similar scene that I was trying too hard and quit my job. My husband gave me grief for 6 to 7 months. He hides money from me and the account that I share with him goes overdrawn when I use it. I have to ask him for money. His plight is we don't have enough money. He makes it feel like we don't have enough money. He brainwashes or tries to tell this lie. I am not afraid. I will not go back to work until my little children are in school. While I am not working though I am preparing for my way out of here.

I started a degree program on line and am doing great. I'll be finishing a degree that was pending for 20 years. I have a couple of girl friends I can instantly text and get a response back. I flip him off when he isn't looking. When he gives me 20 dollars here and there I pinch it. I make him pay for all the kids fun activities. I am training him to be a good divorced husband. I also don't wear my 3 carrot wedding ring during the day when he gives me the silent treatment. I empower myself.

Other things I do are I listen to fun music in the car with the ipod blasting. My little guys and I go to parks where I can meet other moms. I play hard with my kids. I am sunny and fun to them. I am their blessed mom and the one who loves them the right healthy way.

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A female reader, NYCRN2010 United States +, writes (21 February 2010):

Well, I have a very close situation. But worse! I was working full time, very good position, high paying position. I was accepted into nursing school. My employer made it nearly impossible for me to attend school not allowing me to leave work to give myself ample time to get to school. I basically had to be in two places at the same time. I was quite overwhelmed. My grades were suffering. The stress at home sky rocketed, husband stressing me even more because I wasn't giving him any attention. Make long story short, ended quitting my job to try to salvage my career. My husband stressed me even more because now I wasn't bringing home the money I was making. I failed the start of the program. Now I need to wait untill next semester to restart program, I'm out of work and my husband is just badgering me about our finances. Now he's making me feel like I'm worth nothing. He said everything was fine before I started nursing school and basically its all my fault. My relationship has not been the same since. I think men have a problem when women try to educate themselves and improve their status. I believe men are intimidated with that. I also think my husband purposely stressed me so that I would not succeed in nursing school. Its a shame that any one especially the person you married would treat their spouse in that manner. Only time will tell what the future holds. And keep in mind that what comes around goes around! Reponding to your situation: you should be very proud of yourself and continue to live your life. If you aren't treated like the lady that you should, then move on. I may take my own advice. Good luck to you!!

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A female reader, salonsam New Zealand +, writes (22 September 2009):

what happened to the words for better or worse! just tell him he mght just be depressed,it doesnt hurt to try thats what love is...dont give up on him.

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A female reader, nothignrealymatters United States +, writes (16 May 2009):

hi there, dont know if ur still in that loiving hell or have found the wisdom to get out of that dead marriage. ctrust me im in a bad marriage too n everyday see signs that im with a wrong person. if someone does not love u, like u there is no point in being together. trust me im gathering the courage to accept this nonsesne im stuck in... moreover do something about it.i have finely started to hate my husband.... after such a long time trying to understand him and his hatred. its simple, we r human too n maybe we try hard not to think like that but thats exactly how we feel inside when we r faced with so much despise and hatred. all i can say is leave him... properly n u make the move, he is your depression and if u r enjoying work u r still just fine. dont wait for more. takecare, bye.

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A female reader, Falling Gracefully United States +, writes (9 December 2008):

Trust me, I am in the same situation that you are. I finished nursing school in may. My husband gives me that same look. We havnt had sex in 8 months. I tried to talk with him about it and he didnt say one word. Not One. I did get the silent treatment for about 2 days and thats how our marriage has been for 7 years. Im not allowed to voice anger or concern. Im really contemplating the end. Im tired of hurting alone. Its just not worth it. Life is too short. Good luck to you....

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2008):

Get out while your still young and viable....getting away from a man like his is your hope..there are good people out there and understanding men, but you hav e to be single..get out, get single and move on...your kids will love you for it when they see a happy mom, not a depressed one, getting sicker bythe day.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

Life is too short to be with someone like that. If he is disgusted, tell him to beat it. Nowadays women can take care of themselves. You're not having sex with him you say? what is he, your "roommate" or your husband?!you Are a loser if you stay and continue feeling this way. If you are depressed, the kids will sense it and they will be unhappy. It's not fair to feel good ONLY when you're at work. You should be happy anywhere you are!

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A female reader, spicy girl United States +, writes (9 May 2008):

wow. I know that depression. My husband goes out whenever he wants and won't answer his phone. We get along sometimes, but fight a lot about $$ too. We run a business together too, with me doing all the paperwork (just because I'm better at it doesn't mean I like it), I also have another job too, in sales. It's hard being in business with your husband because you feel like after work you should be having quality time together, but basically he acts like he just wants to get away from me. Then I see our son home alone (a teen, our girl is already out of house mostly), and I feel bad for him and stay home make him dinner, etc. Hubby don't care. he never checks in. I thought about divorce too, but no time! Too much on the plate already when you also own a house that needs work and is going down in value. UGh. I'm depressed too. I feel like I need to get a life. Alot of men find me attractive, and I'm always turning them down " oh, thanks, I'm married." It's been over 20 years since I've done the dating game, and I know it's changed too. But I feel like I could use a really fun environment with lots of friends and salsa dancing (I love to dance) and cute guys flirting with you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007):

That look of disgust means hatred. Read Sam Vaknin articles about narcissists (internet), read also the article about their anger and its permutations (type to search), about the pain of others (type). You might have some shocking surprises about who your husband really is. Be strong...the truth will set you free, but first will make you miserable.

God bless!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007):

according to my solicitor my financial position is precarious and I won't have enough to live on if I leave so I am trapped in a loveless marriage with a man I despise.

Don't do what I did - if there is something wrong argue it out and if its not working and you are young enough, take the plunge and throw him out.

Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007):

hi, i think you are facing the same problem as i am facing and i can understand how much you will be hurt. and i still could not make a straight decision to it. once u make it just mail me too thanx. bye

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2007):

What a lonely, scarey place to be. Your marriage is floundering, you know it and your husband isn't willing or able to do his part in healing this. It must hurt like heck to have this wedge/distance between you both, especially when you were both very close at one time,in your marriage. This can't be an ideal, healthy circumstance for the kids either--seeing Mom and Dad so miserable and unhappy. A tough situation and I am sorry.

Is your husband offering up more information besides 'depression'? You are a nurse..so do you think it's a clinical depression caused by something beyond his control or is it a depression caused by what 'he' deems an unhappy circumstance (the marriage)? The really sad thing about all this though, is that you can't control your husband. Trying to figure this out will cause you added stress and no matter how much you ask him, the only thing you'll succeed in doing, is driving him further away. As hard as this is, try to detach, by not allowing yourself to be further humiliated by his rejection. Keep your pride and self-respect, intact. Don't allow it to take you down.

For some reason, he has forgotten to work at the most inportant relationship in his life..his marriage. Communicating calmly and maturely with him is the first step because you really need to find out why and to find out if this marriage is even salvagable. Another piece of advice I have: ask him to go to marriage counseling, with you. If he won't go, go yourself. You need to talk to someone, who can give you the necessary coping skills to understanding what you are going through. Someone you can talk to openly, someone who will listen to you with compassion. Be strong and look after yourself here because you do need to be strong for your children. Remember, you can't change him if he doesn't want to, but you can change yourself and be responsible for how you view this marriage and whether you want to save it or not. It's your decision. Focus on you..focus on being the best Mother, the best positive person you can be. And if he still won't respond, after all the efforts..you will have to assess your marriage and reconsider if marriage to a man who 'rejects you' is truely what you want. I know that I wouldn't. But after all is said and done..you gave it your best shot. Go this route first and I say this because I believe that marriages can be saved.

Couples have to grow up and understand that their love will ebb and flow, and mature in the cycles/stages in a marriage. Raising children, working 2 jobs, etc-all you have described is exhausting for both of you and I think..you both have forgotten the other needs love and support. Marriage is no easy picnic...overcoming and working together at these life challenging tasks together, is also about 'love' and maturity. I hope you both find each other again. If not, look after 'you' and keep your children as happy as you can. Good luck.

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A male reader, DJ8433 United States +, writes (17 July 2007):

DJ8433 agony auntYou're husband is feeling like he's less than a man. WHich is probably the reason he doesn't feel like having sex. If he's not working, I can see why he feels that way. If you make more money than he does, his ego might be getting in the way. He may be thinking that he would be better off alone without 2 kids and a wife. Has he given up on the relationship? DO you want to make it work? It sounds like some relationship counseling is needed to get him to come to some realizations and give him a venue to express his feelings. How long are you willing to try to make this work? Set a timeline for yourself. If he won't seek counseling with you, don't let yourself become a distraught emotional wreck before taking control of your life back. You will be carrying you both emotionally, I couldn't do that for very long myself. Decide what you want, and do it.

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A female reader, flower girl United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2007):

flower girl agony auntI know what financial pressure can do to a marriage and the one thing i can suggest is that you really need to talk about it and don't ignore it because it will cause alot of hatred.

Maybe you should both visit your doctor as you may well both be suffering with depression because of the difficulties you have been going through, which could also explain the lack of sexual intamacy.

See a financial advisor also and see if they can help you with budgeting.

Take care.xx.

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A female reader, Beckto United States +, writes (17 July 2007):

Beckto agony auntWhat a tough time for you. So many responsibilities and no support at home.

What do you know deep down to be true? Do you know that you are doing amazing, tough things that most people wouldn't even get off their lazy butts to do? Do you realize that taking care of 3 kids is a full-time job on its own? And do you know how wonderful it is that you decided to take a financial risk by going to nursing school to better yourself and in turn, better your family?! (That on its own is ultimately cool.)

I think deep down you know you are a good person. I know this because of your description. You said your husband seems to not like you, but then you give us a long list of your accomplishments. (And they really are accomplishments!) Don't let this one person's opinion, someone who you happen to live with and are married to, effect your opinion of yourself. No one is perfect, and so that means that you aren't perfect either. But, if you feel what you are doing is the right thing to do, ultimately, then don't forget that!

If your husband was not your husband, but just some guy on the street who looked at you with disgust, would it matter to you? Would it make you feel so depressed? I doubt it. You'd just blow it off. Why? Because you know you're not a bad person.

If you have time, find someone you can talk to about this. A professional. Just one hour a week. Some counselors will take phone sessions if you don't have time for the commute.

You do know that if things keep going the way they are now, then your relationship will end up in divorce? If you want to try and make your marriage stick, then you and your husband have to find the time to go to marriage counseling. It has to become a priority.

Good luck.

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