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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for five years but i feel he is moving further away from me. I really want to marry him but when i approach the subject he gets angry. How can i make him more interested and spend time with me? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (29 July 2006):
 Before you try to strongarm him into marrying you, have you taken a step back and asked yourself why you'd want to marry someone whose affection for you doesn't seem to be there anymore? Someone who'd "get mad" when the topic of marriage is brought up?
That's not the response of someone who's happy with their relationship and thinking of making it permanent, and therefore, you shouldn't be either!
Being married doesn't *change* anything about your relationship, please be clear on that. If anything, it seems to cement every old habit into place, as people let their guard down around their partners. It's obvious that your boyfriend isn't happy about something, and it's translating into a lack of affection and interest in you.
The solution is not to "make him more interested" and it's not to spend more time with you. In fact, if he's cranky around you now, spending more time is only going to wind him up further.
What's probably in order is for both of you to air your problems in a neutral setting. If you can do that together alone, that's an excellent sign that your relationship is solid. But if you think that it's going to be ugly, then maybe you need to engage the services of someone who can referee for you: a couples' counsellor.
He needs to talk about why he's pulling away, what's wrong, and what he thinks needs fixing.
You have to listen and take it in.
Then he has to listen why you talk about why marriage is so important to you.
Then the two of you need to work out if you're on the "same page" in terms of what you want for your future.
Right now, you appear to want two entirely different things. There's no magic wand you can wave that will make him "more interested" again. After five years, you should probably already know that, and after five years, he should probably feel able to tell you what's wrong.
It's time to talk. But stay calm. Don't let it become an argument, because all you really want is to understand, and for him to understand you.
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