A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i feel like i am seriously falling for my best friend. this is very confusing to me, though not really because i guess it kind of makes sense. we seem to be perfect for one another but i think we are both afraid to make any initial steps into doing anything completely serious about it.we've been friends for 3 years now, the best of friends, and i was in a relationship for the entire time. i just got out of it and now i'm starting to see him in a different way. he came with me on vacation last weekend and during that time we almost had sex but didn't because it got...i don't know....i guess awkward in a way? it was weird for me to see him in that vulnerable state of mind so i didn't really get turned on, even though a part of me really wants him.we talked about it a lot before we layed in bed with each other, but even still, i'm confused as ever.i feel like we're both afraid of falling in love with each other because we don't want to ever ruin our friendship. it's kind of really making me go crazy right now. he says a lot of things to me that convince me that he wants me, but then will follow it up with something like telling me how he thinks this girl is hot or blah blah blah. same goes for me. i'm really not sure what i should do about this situation. i'm kind of terrified to bring this up to him because i don't want to push him away if he's really not into the idea, which i think he's not right now. though, i also think that his mind changes a lot about it too. i brought this up to him once about a month ago, after we went on a little vacation to las vegas together, and he said that if i had these feelings for him he would push me really far away. so, i stopped. but since then, i just feel like him and i have gotten closer and closer. how far can a friendship go before it gets more serious? how serious can a friendship get without becoming romantic? everything is there, what's missing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow, thank you so much. you really put things into perspective for me, WiseOwle
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): I discourage people who recently ended a relationship from starting another relationship soon afterward.
If you have a very close male friend, it is likely you will develop romantic feelings for him. Sexual attraction between two people is a natural thing. You transferred your feelings to your best male friend; because you were just longing for the intimacy of your broken relationship.
Females tend to do this more than males, in this situation.
I don't think you need to change things by trying to change a platonic relationship into a romance. You're doing it because it is convenient, and you don't have to go through the difficult task of searching for a new man.
There's one you know within easy reach. Don't do that. Get through the emotions related to your breakup with your boyfriend. That means the full range of difficult emotions; until you have let him go. It could take months. That is what you need to do. It is called the healing process.
Don't create a co-dependence on your male friend. Don't take advantage of his sexuality. The fact he will be aroused by you being a female. So many people cross that line under the wrong circumstances and destroy their friendships.
That is exactly where you're heading. You're looking for a male replacement for your boyfriend. I don't care how you try to color it by claiming your friend wants you. It's more that you want him. You're pushing it where you want it to be. Don't do it. You are on the rebound, and when you snap out of it, things will be a lot worse than awkward. Give this a lot of thought, and get your hormones under control.
You will cause him to pull away. He feels for you like a sister. You're trying to change things for your own benefit and convenience. He is not your built-in boyfriend substitute. Nor is he a replacement for what you lost.
Sorry, you'll have to go through the same sequence of emotional experiences after a breakup, as the rest of us.
Live through the pain of separation. Fight the loneliness, and get through the withdrawal period associated with separating from a romantic partner. There is no short-cut. Using a best male friend is how too many women try to by-pass the hard part.
It isn't fair to him, nor to yourself. You're trying to use him.
Leave your friendship alone. Stop trying to manipulate your friend. It's you, not him. I'm not going to sugar-coat it for you. I'm going to call it for what it is.
Losing a boyfriend is very painful and difficult. Shifting your feelings on to a male friend in desperation, will bring you very disastrous results. You need to take some time off to yourself to get your feelings in order. To start your process of recovery from the breakup. You can't avoid the misery of a breakup.
It's there, and will not leave until you allow the process to run its course. You'll be a stronger woman for it.
Your friend's warning was quite perceptive and wise:
"he said that if i had these feelings for him he would push me really far away. so, i stopped."
Listen to the both of us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2013): You need to give it time! You've just come out of a 3 year relationship, you need to get over that, and discover yourself, and learn the lessons, before jumping into the next relationship, even if it is with your "best friend".How far can a friendship go before it gets more serious? the more you two talk, and spend time together, the more it will advance. Set boundaries and give yourself some time first and make sure it's right, before he is only the rebound guy, or you hurt your friendship.It's too soon, that's what's missing...!
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