A
male
age
36-40,
*attTrey
writes:Two weekends ago my buddy and I were out at bar having drinks, we are both police officers and were off duty at he time, when we decided to leave we took a short cut around back and saw two guys trying get a very drunk young girl in their car she was asking for her friends. We went up to make sure she was ok and she keep saying "I can't find my friends " the guys were laughing and saying they would be her friend and that they were going to take her home. She was beyond drunk, she couldn't barely keep her eyes open and I couldn't let these guys take her home. I am a guy, I knew what their plan was and I knew this poor girl wasnt going to be able to do anything about it once they had her alone. After some not so nice words wih the two guys, we go her back in the bar and found her friends, I called them a cab, gave them cab fair and told the driver to make sure she made in it her house ok. While they were waiting she was cold so i have her my sweater which accidentally still had my cell phone in the pocket.When I noticed my cell missing the next day , I called and the girl answered. She agreed to meet me at a local coffee shop to return it.When I got there we started talking and I found out she was celebrating her 19th birthday the night before and didnt remember anything other then me helping her into the bar from the night before. She was embarrassed at what happened and thanked me for helping her, I took it upon myself to lecture her on safety and tell her guys were jackasses and that she needed to be careful. Later that day I found a text on my phone that she had sent, thanking me again. We ended up texting back and forth for a few days and I invited her to dinner and things went amazing,we have been seeing each other a lot since then..She is sweet, smart, gorgeous girl. I'm a 29 year old divorced dad. I know that our relationship is legally ok but I feel guilty, like I'm doing something wrong. Is this normal?
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female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (25 January 2015):
You did a great thing! You saved her.
As for dating her, only you can make that decision. I think you know what you need to do.
You are both legal and you can date this girl if you want. I just can't see this being a long term relationship. She is so young and immature. She has experienced a lot less than your 10 years on her.
Look it, You are a honourable guy. Do what is right for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): Socially acceptable age difference....lol...that's just ridiculous. Nowdays who cares about things like these? 10 years difference is nothing. The fact that she is 19 and you are 29 really means nothing. You both are so young. I met my wife when I was 26 and she was 17. She was very mature for her age more than me at my 26. She just started college and we kept on dating until she finished at 21, a year later we got married. Now she is 28 and I am 37. We have 2 kids ages 5 and 3. Now who remembers the fact that she was only 17? She was never interested in drinking herself to the condition you mentioned, she was never into crazy partying so I don't really know if the " stage" of a certain age is a requirement. Some people just don't want to have multiple sex partners or binge drinking. I personally don't see at all what you are doing wrong. If she goes on dates only because she is gratefull for saving her, then she soon will stop, don't worry about that. But what if she sincerelly likes you? This life is full of surprises that's the beauty of it. Small town will gossip, that's for sure, and if you care so much then do stop, it if not keep on going, you are doing nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 January 2015):
 You're in a small town and recently just moved there? Then back off this girl. Small town people do nothing but talk and gossip, and it will NOT be in your advantage to be seen with her, or to have people gossiping about it, because people will most likely not approve of the age difference. So while you're not doing anything wrong, you are actually risking social ruin over this. Do not under estimate how shitty small town gossiping and rumors can make you feel. I know of people who had to MOVE from small places because they could not handle the town-talk.
You recently moved there. This is not the first impression you want to give people. Not if you plan on living there for a while. Because these things will NEVER go away, people will remember them and remind you over and over. And they talk, believe me they talk. You will most likely have a hard time getting with any age-appropriate woman if it starts going around that you like 'em in their teens...
If you're unsure about her, she's not the "love of your life", then I would say it's not worth the risk. You need to establish yourself in the local community before you give yourself a bad reputation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): Aside from the possible budding relationship, nobody has asked you did you get the license plate?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 January 2015):
 Personally, I think I would just be "content" with having been her "hero" for a night. You DID "save" her from goodness knows what.
I think YOU are at a VERY different stage in your life then this (pardon)teenager. I don't think she was "irresponsible" either, she was (is) a TYPICAL girl for her age. If she was dosed (unfortunately common in some places) she would have no clue, and she would seem more drunk then she actually was or she is still at that point where she isn't totally aware of her limit. I remember being 19, drinking my ass of with friends one some night and then serving the drinks the next. At 19, you are focused on YOURSELF, having fun with friends, either school, jobs or finding a career, to be independent of your parents. You have BEEN there DONE that, YEARS ago. So in that sense I think a relationship would be kind of uneven, if you get my point.
You are ALMOST 30, she is ALMOST out of her teens...
Now would I say, OH my gosh that is simply WRONG? No, many girls (and guys) LIKE an older (older than themselves) partner. I just think in this case she might be confusing gratitude with affection.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): 1. I think you did a great thing by helping her out that night. Imagine how terrified and confused she would've been to wake up at a stranger's house and not remember a thing.
2. The only issue with you dating is the age difference. When I started dating my BF three years ago i was 21 and he was 28. That, to me, already felt like a very noticeable age difference. Now we're 24 and 31. Obviously we've worked through some challenges together, but we are still at different places in our lives. Most of his friends are married with kids; most of my friends are still going out the weekends, traveling a lot, etc. I feel like we really try to meet in the middle with things, and it seems to work. But it is still hard sometimes!
Now, you've got a 10-year age difference, but at an age where it really matters. She's 19, still in college, can't legally drink…COMPLETELY different mindset from where you're at. I hate to say it, but I've seen a few couples with a similar age difference date, fall in love, etc. only to break up after a year or two. But it's hard to think about heartbreak when you're thinking about falling in love...only the two of you can decide if it's worth working on :)
Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): I really don't like the suggestion by the anonymous female reader judging the young lady for her state. Honestly, I would expect a guy to conclude such a thing. That is like saying she deserves what she got. Her mistake was celebrating under the influence of alcohol, without someone to keep an eye on her; then getting separated from her friends. Those two guys may have slipped her a drug; and managed to get her away from her friends. That can happen to any woman.
Regardless, she was being taken advantage of for her intoxicated condition. That has nothing to do with the type of girl she is. Those creeps coming along would not be her fault. Her inexperience and not drinking responsively is youthful bad-judgement. You read her the riot act on that. Now she knows better. Small-town thinking, is small-town thinking. That's where you have to use your best judgement.
Anyway you put it, you're the "adult" in the situation. You have more to lose. If she had to date an older-man, a police officer is a better choice.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 January 2015):
 Yes, it is normal to feel like you're doing something wrong wen you are. So, back it up. You have the answers to your questions. OK did a good deed. You protected and served. Be conent with that and return to your real life.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2015):
 One good thing is that you now have some local info on some bad dudes. It's a small town so you can keep an eye on them. Sounds like they've had some practice in this and it couldnt hurt to have you and your buddies there to see if there aren't more young women in trouble. Possibly date rape drugs were involved.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2015):
"I guess I'm just worried about how small town minds think, I've only recently transferred to the town I'm in and I just don't need small town gossip or people thinking I'm a bad cop because of her age."Well, you have your police force buddy to advise you on the local small town politics. He was with you and you called him a buddy so presumably he's got your back.You're old enough to make decisions on the age of women you choose to date.Youre an adult, she's an adult, you moved to said small town.... What's the worry here? Perhaps you could articulate the small minds take on it and we could take a look?
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A
male
reader, MattTrey +, writes (23 January 2015):
MattTrey is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love my job. Yes I was concerned about getting her to safety, being a police officer I have seen it to many times before where young, drunk girls have been taken advantage of (raped/ beaten). Being off duty and all the factors around what I saw , legally it's hard to prove what "might" have happened. So as far as my job I did what I could do. I have looked into a lot of factors and I haven't broken any type of conduct code. I meet her off duty,any of our activities have take place off duty, we are not involved in any type of investigation regarding the night we meet. So I'm safe in all those way.Do I respect her, yes. Do I want to take advantage of her , no. I set out to get my phone back and hopefully be able to get her understand how the outcome of that night could have been much different. I had no plans on ever seeing her again.I guess I'm just worried about how small town minds think, I've only recently transferred to the town I'm in and I just don't need small town gossip or people thinking I'm a bad cop because of her age.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): Sadly, officer I am going to have to disagree with all the others. I do not think you should have involved yourself with her. Not only is she irresponsible enough to separate herself from her friends, but she chose to do so with two guys. Which doesn't make her very wholesome. Besides, her maturity level and age, I can see this relationship blooming.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): You should check your Officer's Code of Conduct and Ethics manual to be sure you haven't crossed any lines, or placed yourself in jeopardy should her parents have an objection; and decide to file a formal complain in question of your conduct. Recent changes or updates could have some precedence that could have some bearing on your behavior when interacting with the public sector.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): Here's an equation that is always good to keep in mind considering the fact you're a public servant.
Gratitude + responsibility [divided by] age-appropriateness= ethical behavior.
She is "grateful" that you fulfilled your around-the-clock professional "responsibility." You were at the right place, at the right time. You in-turn, did not take advantage of her; but instead saw to her safety. You may even have saved her life, or protected her from a potential rape. She is "legally old enough" to make her own decisions to some degree. Other legalities are not applicable, she is of consenting-age. Therefore; her age is not a negative-factor in the equation.
Under all conditions; you have completely conducted yourself in a very decent, "ethical," and respectful manner. If I had a daughter, I would much prefer her to date a police officer over guys who show women no respect, and would negate all of the other factors in the above equation. She's in good hands, you are very respectful, and she knows it. There is one missing variable. How her parents feel about it? This variable negates itself; because she is of consenting age, that variable can be considered the least common denominator that can be factored out by the common denominator that she is still age-appropriate. She is still young enough to also lose interest when the novelty wears off; because it is typical of her age-group. So your maturity realizes this without further mention.
Just be sure a combination of your possible good-looks, enhanced by the sexiness of a uniform,(guys in uniform can be really hot); and protective father-like demeanor isn't captivating an impressionable young girl. You're a decent guy, and the fact you wrote a post about it, ensures that you've considered all this. You'll figure-out if you are having a "hero-effect" on her; or if she genuinely likes you for the terrific guy you seem to be.
Follow your conscience. Be careful of her feelings.
Please be safe out there!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 January 2015):
Do you like being a police officer? You seem more focused on the drunk young girl, as you describe her, than on the jackasses who seem to have been about to commit a crime.
What does the code of conduct for your division advise in this situation?
As age of consent and drinking in NB is 19 then she's an adult by the metrics. Is she an adult by behavior and temperament? Are there lots of predators such as the ones you encountered in NB?
Are you really into her because she's so great or because you want to protect her from her choices?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2015): Go ahead if you have a good intention. You did nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (23 January 2015):
As long as you are kind, respectful, and genuine, I do not see the problem. As Dan savage would say, be sure to leave her in better condition than you found her. Create no trauma for her. Be mindful of the fact that she isn't as experienced in the world as you. Do not take advantage. don't do anything that will make her look back on your relationship with anything but fondness.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 January 2015):
I think it's normal for you to feel off about this. I wouldn't say guilt, necessarily, but there's a 10 year difference at an age where it still matters. If she was 40 and you 50, I don't think it'd be the same.
You know how the equation goes, right? Divide your own age by two, then add 7 years, and that's as low as you can go and still have a socially acceptable age difference. That means, she'd need to be 21 or 22 before this was a socially acceptable age difference. Still though, the younger you are, the less age difference is acceptable. She's legal, but she's so young compared to you that you could EASILY fool her and take her for a ride and take full advantage of her. Much like those guys who tried to take advantage of her when she was drunk. I guess you feel like you're no better than these guys you tried to save her from. You're an older man who she looks up to for "rescuing" her, she's not a grown up and independent woman who is your equal. She's still a child compared to you.
She can be as nice and cool as anyone, but the age difference is too much, which is why you feel guilty about it. I wonder why you chatted her up, why you kept seeing her? You knew how old she was from the start, yet you chose to keep seeing her... Maybe because deep down, without wanting to admit it, you kinda WANT to take advantage of this gullible and naive little thing?
But to be honest with you, I say go for it. If she's truly gullible and naive and easily taken advantage of, then she's got to learn one way or another, so why not be the teachers. Or why not just treat her good and you wont have anything to feel guilty about. But don't take this relationship seriously, because at her age, and with this age gap, I do not see a future here. Just go with the flow of things for the fun and excitement, why not. But no need to make long term plans quite yet.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (23 January 2015):
 Firstly - I love this story.
I do wish she was older though. I'm afraid at her age and the position in which she was, (damsel in distress), and with you being a police officer who rescued her off duty - it's all basically what a girl would fantasize. She was absolutely bound to like you no matter what. She probably has little experience in adult relationships and wise judgement of compatibility or characteristics she needs to seek.
I can't speak for you- you've been through life and failed relationships, so as long as you're not high off of feeling manly and needed, I'm sure you're a fine judge of the relationship.
I don't think you need to feel guilty about age. But you should take into consideration the euphoric feelings that she is going through because of the initiation of the situation. She is basically your "fan" and you don't want to take advantage of her.
You're a grown man, so you can decide if the blossoming relationship is true compatibility, or a rose-colored result of circumstance.
Ps- I hope you have her friends a talk about taking a friend out for her birthday and watching out for each other
~Sy
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