A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am struggling for about a month now with extreme guiltiness. I am a nervy wreck most of the time. I feel like such a terrible partner/daughter\sister/friend. I have so many great people in my life and i feel like i dont deserve them. Ive hurt them all. i have even cut myself off from friends because of feeling like this. I feel mostly guilty to my mum and my partner. I lost my dad three years ago and when i was grieving i took all my anger out on them. They forgave me. My partner had a cancer scare last year, and i am ashamed to admit this, but i tried to stop loving him because the pain of losing someone i adored was just not something i could have went through again. It turned out he was fine, and i still am consumed by guilt about this. Ive messed up so much over the last year. I made new friends and neglected my partner for them. I cut them off but still feel bad about this. I then went through a fertility struggle for two years, and this seriously messed up my head. On a night out, i ended up having a drunken rant to a male friend about my life, and he was very sweet to me but then asked if id be with him instead. I said no cuz even though my relationship was rocky i loved my partner,and he said he wanted to kiss me. I told him what a lovely guy he was but no way was i cheating on my partner. He tried harder, but i didnt give in. He actually got a bit shirty cuz i woyldnt kiss him, i said sorry but no. I shouldnt have even apilogised, but i am not good with abruptness, esp when drunk. I cut him out of my life and never spoke to him again. only i am wracked with guilt. I know for a fact nothing happened, because i do remember, i DIDNT kiss him and tbh, the guy was unnatractive and so no part of me wanted to, but he asked if i would if i was single. Stupidly i said yeah i guess, coz he was sweet to me and i didnt want to hurt his feelings. But after the cloudiness of alcohol disappeared, i felt disgusted and had no sympathy for him, sweet to me or not. I never wanted to see him again. Then paranoia kicked in and i keep getting images in my head that i cheated, even though i didnt, but i honestly feel like my own mind is trying to convince me i did. In fact, i almost confessed to cheating today, which is so mad cause i didnt freakin do it! Is still felt so guilty about the incident that i did tell my partner. He didnt seem that annoyed but i was fuming with myself that i got that close to someone else. I feel i dint deserve my partner. He is amazing, he has stood by me through thick and thin, and how do i repay him? By getting smashed in a club and getting too cosy with another man. i eventually fell pregnant, and i am so happy and love my partner so much, but i feel like i dont deserve him or his baby. It feels too good for someone like me. Do you guys feel i am justified in feeling guilty, or should i see a therapist? I know i might sound irrational, but i have always been a worrier and an over thinker.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): At some point in our lives I guess we all reflect in introspect; and think about how good people have been to us. We feel a tad too lucky or unworthy of such love and loyalty.
In your case, your fear is of losing it. The loss of your father left you with such grief, it was completely overwhelming to you. You almost blame him for abandoning you. This is a feeling I can almost relate to, because it took me a long time to allow myself to see other people or be close to anyone when my partner passed away. I even became celibate for a year. I just couldn't allow one more loss in my life to tear my heart out like that. My mom died when I was only 17, and we were extremely close. That was an enormous loss at that age, so I was devastated. So when my loving partner died, I felt that grief once again. I thought avoiding being loved and loving would protect me.
You may have more issues attributing to the feelings of unworthiness for having people love you. Not just grief at play. I think your father's death may have triggered something that completely pushed many pent-up anxieties to the surface. I think you're a good candidate for therapy, and you may want to actually make an appointment with a psychiatrist.
You need to get to the core of these feelings. They seem to run pretty deep from the way you describe them; because they don't seem isolated to any one person; they seem directed at everyone who can love you. You feel the threat of losing them; so you claim you feel undeserving of anyone loving you.
Everyone makes mistakes. Anger is from the frustration you felt when you realized the futility of ever getting your father back. So you lashed out at everyone. In my case, I was so vulnerable I may have been very needy. Instead of reaching out, instead I kept to myself. I grew much closer to my father, and that was my therapy and healing. I am very protective of my siblings and their children. I appreciate them all so much it's scary.
My friends have been friends for may years; because I hold on to the people who are dear to me. I've learned to value them, and I feel much deserving; because I have no trouble giving it back. I have also come to accept that some will leave, or ultimately pass on. There is nothing I can do about that. We must still survive. They would want us to. Oh yes, you deserve all the love you can get. Be thankful; you're blessed.
The guilt you felt when you refused a kiss was the fear of losing the affection behind the attempt. It would pain you to lose the friend. You hate the thought of those feelings being taken away for refusing. Then you wanted to sabotage your relationship by claiming wrong-doing; when you were completely innocent. You were punishing yourself for being loved in spite of making a very human mistake. I'm glad you didn't confess to doing something wrong, when you didn't. It would have caused unnecessary pain, and he doesn't deserve to be punished for caring for you.
You do deserve your loving family, friends, your baby, and the man you love. The guy who also loves you! If you didn't, you wouldn't have them; and not so many people would gravitate towards you, unless you were sending out the vibe to attract them and their fondness to you. They know there's something wrong, and they love you all the more. That's why you were forgiven. You've got to love yourself first. Not in a narcissistic way, but appreciate that you are a good person in spite of your faults.
Something about you makes you loveable, or you wouldn't draw so much love. You loved your dad so strongly and so deeply, that you don't want to ever feel that loss again. Well, the reality of life is; it will always come to an end. You can pull away from love to avoid grief. There is no escaping the grief of a lost loved-one. I've since lost three sisters to cancer, and I had to survive that immense grief, anger, and guilt. The futility they will ever return. Being a person of faith, I do not believe life ends here. I believe we move on to another realm of existence and the soul doesn't die. I will see them again.
I didn't seek therapy, I used what my father taught me over the years. That life goes in cycles. People come and go in our lives. Love of family lasts a life-time, but someday we all must go. We meet many different people during this cycle, and some are meant to stay; and some only touch our lives for a short while. They may leave because they want to leave, we may push them away; or they may be taken from us.
That is all a part of life; and we are given tools to deal with these incidents of loss. You've decided to rebel by withdrawing yourself from accepting the wonderful gift. Thinking perhaps that will lessen the likelihood of feeling loss, if they should leave you. That is a futile task in itself.
You can't escape love nor loss. "Tis better to have loved and lost: Than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson.
When they go, they are not abandoning us. There is no way to lose a loved-one without feeling the pain of loss. Even bad people deserve to be loved; because they are human and there are many reasons they do what they do. All people are capable of doing wrong or being mean to others. Some don't bother feeling remorse and have no sensitivity to their deeds; having no fear of the consequences. You're not that kind of person. You're a person of deep passions and profound love; so you feel unworthy to have others around you who can appreciate that. They so willingly show it, that the thought of losing it drives you crazy.
Seek therapy to determine when and where these feelings began, and what is at the root of the feeling you don't deserve being loved. If you didn't, you wouldn't have written such a heartfelt and powerful narrative of why you don't deserve it. It is love that you survive on, but my dear sweet lady; it does end for some reason or another. The wonderful thing is, for those we lose; those remaining grow closer, and yet others will enter our lives. That's what keeps me going, and has reopened my heart to love others. Even to respond to posts of total strangers experiencing pain, loss, or don't understand the feelings they have.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 I think this is survivor's guilt and is part of your grief for your loss of your father. You feel that it's wrong to feel happy and to look forward in life when there was a family tragedy. If you believe your father's spirit is looking after you, the best person to confide in is actually him. Pray for protection and signs that your father is still there. Ask to see him in a dream. He wants you to be happy. Maybe you can find solace in knowing why he had to be gone so soon, and it was never because he didn't love you enough to live longer. I think this is more empowering than to go to a complete stranger who does just psychoanalyzing.
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