A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi everyonei just so need some help and advice about a man thats totally done my head ini wont go threw the ins and out or it all but in a nut shell ive been seeing a guy on and off for over 4yrs now....its not the situation thats messed me up but all he's contradictions, he speaks to me like im worth nothing then in the next breath he thinks the world of me next breath our situation is all about sex and meaningless and then the next i want to see you for the rest of my lifethens it your so nice and lovely and then the next i dont care if i never hear or see you againhe tells me the situation is all about him and boy he can say some hurtful things, ive tolerated it because i feel he's so trying to crush me and im putting on a brave face to show him its nothe's past hasnt exactly be great, broken marriage that to this day he cant get overwell now he's finished with me againsaying im nothing to him and everything/one else means more and that he want s to find someone he loves as he dont me!!!im crushed, i did everything for him, its not the ending of the situation thats bothered me but the cruelness of he's words, he said he wants to stay friends as he so likes me and thinks im such a lovely person then 2 mins lata he says i dont care if i never hear from you again why is he behaving like this, surely a guy wouldnt of been seeing someone for this long if they thought so low of themi feel like i want to call him to justify he's actions but will i get the answers....what do i do, i feel he's got away with treating me like a doormat or was it the case of allowing myself to be...any help would be greatly appreciated x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi tammieleei have no intentions of contacting him altho i have weak moments wheres i just want to phone to let out my anger but i quickly think of something else to do or phone a friend instead...and personally i dont think he'll phone me now....
A
female
reader, tammielee66  +, writes (29 July 2007):
 You Need to run away from him and don't look back. That means do not call him, he might suck you back in.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi pamelathank you for your reply and firstly im sorry to hear your going threw what i have donesince him finishing with me neally 3 weeks ago we've had no contact but theres always that element of fear that he will be intouch so im taking this time to build my self esteem and confidence up so that im strong enough in mind and voice to handle whatever,if ever contact he may make and come across strongall my life ive been controlled and i have now come to the way of thinking that people that need to control me have no control over themselves, i cant say i dont still love and miss my guy beause i do but i now realise that im the important person now and i take a day at a time and i so hope one day you'll find the strength and courage to realise that your worth more and deserve to be happy and content and not live in fear ..... i no exactly what you mean about the fear of speaking out and fear of there response, its so frustrating but equally frustrating as to why we feel this is all we're worth.....please be strong and find a pathway to being free, i empathise with all your going threw and if you wish to ever pm me for even a chat let me notake carex x x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Hello my name is Pamela.
The man I have had a relationship with (on and even more - off) for the last 14 years, is so like your man. Mine’s a Gemini and boy oh boy, are there 2 sides to his small personality, talk about Jekle & Hyde!
Just look / remember, his actions towards yourself. Putting you down is because HE is the one who feels insecure and worthless!!! When you show him how unsure of yourself and insignificant you feel; he will be so much nicer towards you!
Look at the bigger picture and see what he is doing to you. All it is really about is HIM; someone who has such a low estimation of himself, he has to CONTROL you but to be honest, it's really HIM who NEEDS you!!! Remember this, always!!!
My advice is, please break away. Although you may be able to help him change, by showing him your love and devotion, he won’t change enough to show you sufficient commitment! He will continue to abuse you with his voice / words; and it is ABUSE, be sure of that. GET OUT while you can, you deserve better, so much better.
I suffer depression and my partner always waits for me to feel really low, then he strikes; he over loves me and ends up living with me again because I feel insecure etc. etc. He abuses my trust, he abuses my mind and he doesn’t even know who he is or, (more importantly) how I feel!
The reason he doesn’t know how I feel is;
1 I am too afraid to speak out because he’ll shout and rant back,
2 I am now shrewd enough, NOT to give him even more ammunition, to use against me!!!
He has no idea who he is because like your man, he has suffered and somehow, he forgets who I really am and that I do NOT deserve the abusive, verbal, shit.
If you do break away as I sincerely hope you do, it has to be complete; move; change your phone number, make it absolute or you will end up like me, back where you are now; doubting yourself and him controlling your environment!!!
Good Luck. XXX
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Why are you trying to control the way he feels or what he does? You can't. He is displaying every sign of what it is to be "a player". You feel used because you are being used or played. When I get frustrated with my situations at times, I ask myself, what is it that I am doing that I shouldn't be, or what is it that I'm not doing that I should be. I get frustrated with myself for not acting sooner. I think most people experience this. You are only in control of yourself, and the longer you take to react, the more frustrated you will become. Decide what it is that you want, and then do it. You know what the answer is better than anyone else. Stop kidding yourself. Love is a verb.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you anon for your replyi think deep down my guy doesnt have a chemical imbalance i believe he's more sane than me and knows exactly what he's doing....its just so sad for me that he feels that way to treat me like that when i know im a nice person that brought good into he's life rather than bad which is all he was use to before he met mei hope i can be strong and keep remembering it isnt me thats done wrong but him but he's managed somehow to make me feel im in the wrong and in a nutshell i just have to except it but thank you for your help x
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): He sounds like someone i know.Why dont u sit him down and tell him how you feel and what he does only when you get the good mood tho. Maybe you can talk to him about seeing a doctor and getting on some medication.It helped this guy i know he is a completly different person on his meds.You would be so so surprise how much of a better person he would be on meds.If he dont wont to listen to ya and admit there is some thing wrong, and get some help.Get away from him, cause he is going to end up crazy,When u have a disorder you got to have meds. Its due to a chemical off balance in the brain
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A
female
reader, LynstHolin +, writes (16 July 2007):
"do you think he's expecting me to call!?"
He probably is--he'll be wanting his ego fed.
Don't be so hard on yourself! You aren't weak or a fool--very few people are prepared to deal with a game-player like that.
"i feel totally USED" If he does have a narcissicistic (not sure if I spelled that right!) personality, that is all they know how to do. They can't see others as being as real as themselves, but as things to be used for their own purposes. But the USED are not as fault--the USER is responsible for his own behavior.
There's a line from a poem I'll never forget: We do not die from love/ We only wish we did.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you 2 x anonymous and lynst holin for your replysIt's funny cause I did read on internet about a disorder called NARCISSM or something along those lines!!!he doesnt seem to treat anyone else like it,that i no of it just seems to be ME!!!i do feel like im in a cult and its not the break up thats bothered me so much but the maliciousness of it thats bothered meyour right i probaly will never get the answers but i spose it would of been a bit of therapy to vent off..he always manages the reverse physcology affect and your rite im sitting here thinking shall i apologise to him as i feel this is all my doinghe has made me feel a low life worthless ugly no good person when friends tell me im the complete opposite but i tend to believe him more than them...all i wanted what i thought i deserved was respect, but i wasnt no good to get that...will he ever regret what he's done and will he leave it there or think ...hang on lets ring her and suck her back ini just feel ive made a right mug and fool of myself and coming across to him as weak and desparate when infact i no deep down im stronger than him as he use to keep telling me that i was do you think he's expecting me to call!?sorry guys for waffling on but im so down thinking he's lasting impression of me without any reason is im just a piece of easy nothing thats a pushover...i feel totally USEDx
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A
female
reader, LynstHolin +, writes (15 July 2007):
He's deliberately using phychological tactics to keep you dependant on him. First, he tears you down to make you insecure. Then he gives you just enough affection to make you stay around. The end result--you become dependent on him, without the confidence to leave, and he is in complete control of the relationship.
He's already emotionally abusive--he may make the jump to physically abusive if you stay with him. He is a deeply damaged person who does not know how to love.
"i feel like i want to call him to justify he's actions but will i get the answers...." Rather than admit he's done wrong, he's more likely to turn things around and make it seem like it's all your fault.
You need couselling--getting out of a relationship like that is like getting out of a cult--you need to be 'deprogrammed'.
Now go and treat yourself good, like you deserve!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello dj8433
thank you for your response and i'll try answer your quest to the best
the relationship started as lets see where it goes
he's always come forward,pulled away etc etc
everytime he thinks im becoming distant he comes forward ,when he's got me he backs off
its been more of a sexual relationship for past couple years but with a little depth
we dont go out and do anything just stay in
he's never said he loves me only i think alot of you
he's quite malicious with he's words then denies saying anything
he feels comfortable and content for me to purchase and contribute everything towards the situation but himself contributes nothing...he treats me more like a pauper then a queen
he has in the past been the cuddley affectionate kind of guy but nothing to the extreme
he plays alot of mind games and loves the control factor and is convinced that i'll never leave him or go anywhere else.
i just dont understand the contradictions and why he feels the need to be so cruel with he's tongue when ive done nothing to harm him in anyway.
he doesnt open up and im not to ask questions,i no for sure he isnt seeing anyone else and quite frankly its up to him now but i just cant relax my mind with why did he treat me this way and why lie to someone he says loves my company and treating him like a king ......
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (15 July 2007):
I have a good friend that is the same way to his women. Many, many women. He has control issues big style. Not just normal male ego control, I mean control that goes to the depth of his soul. Does he tell you that he loves you if unprompted? Do you hold hand or kiss in public? Has he told you he has trust issues, and cannot give himself completely? Do you feel like you can't live without this guy? He treats you like a Queen (most of the time) and is the only "real man" you have ever had. The only thing I can say to you without knowing more about you and the situation is this ....What Do You Want? If you know the relationship is not going to go any further than this up and down back and forth, then walk away. There's 60 million more men in the UK. There's bound to be one for you that is a nice guy and a "real man".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2007): Dump the wanker. You deserve someone who won't jerk you around. He knows he can treat you badly because you'll stick around for the 1 in 100 times when he'll say something nice. Trust me, cut him out of your life. The new sanity will be amazing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2007): sounds a bit like my husband whom im seperated from. you just never know where you stand and they can say the most awful cruel things. i would advise you to read about a personality disorder called borderline personality disorder, you can find loads of stuff on the internet about it and you might find that his traits fit this disorder. but you have to look after number one and if you are starting to feel depressed etc... then stay away from him or at least have a break and then he may seek some help. hope this helps, ive put up with this kind of stuff for 20 years.
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