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I feel like he likes me but isn’t sure about taking the next step?

Tagged as: Crushes, Dating, Flirting<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 January 2019) 10 Answers - (Newest, 28 January 2019)
A female Australia age 18-21, anonymous writes:

So I’m in a bizarre situation at the moment. I’m 20 years old but I only just had my first kiss with this guy I really like. We met at a party and started messaging every day. I was going overseas so I invited him to a friends party - he didn’t finish work until 11 but he came over after, then drove me home. I was then overseas for almost three weeks, but we still messaged every day and when I got back I asked him bowling. He suggested we also get dinner. Our first date was so good, we spent six hours bowling, getting dinner then going back to him place and snuggling on the couch. A few days later he invited me over to help him set up his desk and we got dinner again then watched a movie and he kissed me. The next day I went over again and we went to the cinema and he kissed me again. Then he went away for New Years and started working 12 hour shifts so I couldn’t see him, then he had to fly overseas for a week internship. We were still messaging everyday and I kept alluding to wanting to see him when he got back, and he said “looking forward to it”. But something happened when he came home, he went to a party and didn’t invite me, and seemed to be holding back a bit over messenger. Then I finally asked him out again and he said he just wanted to be friends. He said he wasn’t in the headspace for dating and that his lifestyle made him too busy. But he also said he really enjoyed talking to me and spending time with me. I knew from mutual friends that he hadn’t had a relationship in a long time and is perhaps afraid of commitment. I’m just feeling very sad and confused, because I feel like he likes me but isn’t sure about taking the next step? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (28 January 2019):

N91 agony auntHe isn’t being rude. He knows you want more than friends, he doesn’t. Therefore he’s trying to let the conversation die out. If anything it’s sparing YOUR feelings so you can move on. Trying to stay ‘friends’ with him won’t help anything as you will always be hoping he changes his mind. He won’t.

The longer you try speaking to him the worse it will be when he finds someone that he wants to date. Stop trying to speak to him, whenever you see him keep the chat to a minimum but remain civil.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (28 January 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI suspect the next time you post, it will be along the lines of "he has blocked me and refuses to speak to me at all and things are very awkward when I see him".

You are clearly choosing to misinterpret all the signs he is giving you and still hankering for a relationship with him. He is being rude to you because he is trying to get you to back off and doesn't want you to get the wrong impression about his intentions, which you are clearly doing anyway.

You might not be able to avoid him completely if he is in your "circle of friends" but you CAN stop messaging him. It only feels "weird" because you refuse to let it go. It must feel a lot more weird from his end, you REFUSING to let go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

A lot of you are saying to just cut my losses and move on - i will try my best but as this guy is a part of my friendship group i will inevitably be seeing him at social events in the future. We are still sort of chatting, but he is being a bit rude when I'm just trying to make conversation. It's weird not talking to him after chatting every day for months!

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A female reader, mystiquek Japan + , writes (27 January 2019):

mystiquek agony auntMen usually say what they mean and mean what they say. They normally don't mince words. If he told you that he just wanted to be friends, believe him. Don't try to read between the lines or look for a hidden meaning. There isn't one.

A few good dates are nice but it doesn't mean its going to turn into a relationship. Accept his words and move on. Find someone who will appreciate you for who you are and is into you. Enjoy yourself you'll find the right guy!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2019):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Honeypie the problem is that hes in my circle of friends, so i have no way of blocking him completely. I am still messaging him occasionally and we have an event coming up that i know he will be at. He is a really nice person and i want to get to know him as a friend, but i don't know how that will work for me as i clearly want more. It's a hard one and i don't really know what the appropriate response would be.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (27 January 2019):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, if someone tells you they don't care enough about you to be with you, BELIEVE them. Yes, he MAY get on with you. Yes, he MAY like spending time with you. Yes, he MAY like chatting. However, he does not want to be in a romantic relationship with you.

Take a deep breath, hold your head high and walk away with dignity. If you don't, you will regret it in the future.

Personally I would draw a line under it and not fall into being friends. You have different agendas for the relationship. If you hang in there in the hope he will change his mind, you could be wasting a lot of time hoping for something which may not happen.

I do understand how hard it is to let "the first one" go but, believe me, you WILL survive this and you WILL find someone else. When you find the person who is right for you, who actually wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them, then you will understand why this relationship didn't work out.

Be strong. You deserve to be with someone who has no reservations about your relationship.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (27 January 2019):

N91 agony auntAnon_123 is spot on.

I was someone who used to have a ‘fear of commitment’ and that really does just mean that you’re not the one for him. When the right person comes along you get over your ‘fear’. Thats what happened for me anyways.

He’s clearly told you that you’re not the girl for him, accept it and move on. Just because you had some good dates with someone doesn’t mean you’re going to get together.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (27 January 2019):

Anonymous 123 agony auntAfraid of commitment is a nice way of saying that he's not interested because when you meet the right person, there are no fears. It's on the lines of, "it's not you, it's me" and "I need to focus on myself right now".

Basically, in plain and simple language, he's not interested in you as a romantic partner. Does that mean he wants to be friends? Probably no there as well. He's saying that to soften the blow of rejection.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (27 January 2019):

Here's some advice that many readers might be able to us. Particularly the ladies.

Sometimes you meet a nice-guy, and you go out on a few great dates. Then all of a sudden, he tells you that's the end of the road. This is his stop.

Dates don't always lead to relationships. It's how some of you ladies out there roll. A few great dates, and she says. "lets be friends!"

It's okay to be optimistic. The best way to go, is to pace your feelings. Don't let yourself get attached too quickly.

Enjoy yourself, but hold-back just enough; so you can land on your feet, if he decides to bail on you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 January 2019):

Honeypie agony auntNope, OP

You aren't listening. He might like you as a person but he doesn't want to date anyone right now, INCLUDING you.

Whether he is afraid of commitment or not, HE WASN'T looking for a GF and when things started with you he realized that he had led you on.

I'd wish him well and NOT go the "let's be friends route" but block him instead. YOU want more than HE is willing to give.

Being "friends" with him will either lead to FWB or you hoping for more - both scenarios will probably hurt YOU way more than it will him.

Let him go.

If someone DOESN'T WANT to take the next step (and you do) THEY aren't for you. They just aren't that IN TO YOU.

Sorry. I'd wish him well, block and move on.

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