A
female
age
51-59,
*indy1
writes:I recently started seeing someone and everything is going great...except in the bedroom! My previous relationship lasted four years but it was sexless, my partner had no interest in sex at all and I just resigned myself to a relationship based on companionship. I was single for three years before that so I haven't had an active sex life for seven years. Now I find that I am unable to satisfy my new man in bed and he often "helps me out" which makes me feel like an observer in my own sex life! I feel embarrassed as I am in my 40's but I just seem to have lost the knack! During the four years with my ex I felt unattractive and rejected by his choice not to want sex and now I am in an active relationship I feel like a complete novice! I have spoken to my new partner and he doesn't seem to think it's a problem and says that he enjoys our time together but I am getting to the point where I don't want sex or even want to see him because I feel like a failure in that department and the more I think about it the worse it's becoming. Any tips or suggestions please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2015): I think what's happening here is that you are adjusting to quite a major change in your lifestyle. It's a bit like if you have to move home very quickly and unexpectedly, or a bit like having to start a new job or cope with something unexpected happening - there's the thing in itself that's going on and taking place but, importantly, what's also happening is the process of you adjusting to that change. At the moment you are not adjusting smoothly and effortlessly. You are freaking out. A bit like if you have moved home and found all the rooms are painted blue and you hate blue but, instead of sitting down and finding out where your nearest paint store is and/or how to get there and maybe how to find people to help you to paint your house, you are just sitting there freaking out that you don't know what to do. Because you're simply not used to being reassured by someone else about how you feel, you're not accepting your new partner's reassurance either. Your now in a state of almost constantly self-criticising, frightened to make any move at all and believing your own self criticisms over and above what your new partner says. You've worked yourself into a state.I think the MORE you realise that this is what you are doing to yourself and the more you ACCEPT that this is how you feel, the more you will re-connect up to your feelings and the more confidence you will gain. These are your feelings and they are valid. If you try to override them, then it will cause the kind of problems you have right now.Instead of thinking "Oh my Goodness I must NOT feel like this" just accept that you feel freaked out and inadequate. Imagine you are your own friend and offering love and support. If your friend was saying to you "I feel totally inadequate and don't know what to do" you would probably incline to say "No, you're lovely and it will all be fine" BUT, if she's already gone further down the line and simply won't believe you when you say that, then you need to be thinking more along the lines of just accepting her feelings and saying something like "Okay, I can totally understand why you feel panicky and inadequate. You are allowed to feel like that for as long as you need to feel like that because I'm your friend and I understand. I still think you are lovely and that things will get better, but take as long as you need to feel what you are feeling. " In this way, you may find that your feelings of inadequacy will steadily dissolve.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): You already talked about it, which is great, I also think that if he knows your previous situation, he will understand better. And you can try switching up the narrative. What about instead of "being unable to satisfy your man" and "being an observer of your sex life" you two instead become a team on a quest of rediscovering sexuality and learning about each other?With my current partner, the sex was disasterous at first. We were just really unsynchronised and didn't work together. The learning curve was pretty steep after that because we decided to take it as an adventure. I think that sex is not just a fixed "skill" you've got, but it's a game for two. Just play :)Just a side thought: Maybe it's not as much the long pause, but that you've been used to a certain "type" of experience that dosen't go so well with the relationship you're in now (emotionally) and trying to do the same isn't working the way it used to. In any way, the process of exploration is great fun for both and eases a lot of pressure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): You already talked about it, which is great, I also think that if he knows your previous situation, he will understand better. And you can try switching up the narrative. What about instead of "being unable to satisfy your man" and "being an observer of your sex life" you two instead become a team on a quest of rediscovering sexuality and learning about each other?With my current partner, the sex was disasterous at first. We were just really unsynchronised and didn't work together. The learning curve was pretty steep after that because we decided to take it as an adventure. I think that sex is not just a fixed "skill" you've got, but it's a game for two. Just play :)Just a side thought: Maybe it's not as much the long pause, but that you've been used to a certain "type" of experience that dosen't go so well with the relationship you're in now (emotionally) and trying to do the same isn't working the way it used to. In any way, the process of exploration is great fun for both and eases a lot of pressure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2015): Why don't you ask him to teach you and show you what he likes. Because everyone is different, you are going to feel like a novice with each new partner while you figure out what really gets them personally going.
Play games where you try different things and he tells you if he likes it or not.
This could turn out to be a real bonding experience for you both :-)
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