It's going to be a bit complicated psychological question, but I thought I would give it a try.I don't know if you ever heard about "self-deception"?Because I just realized, I might be dealing with it in my life. My husband seems to be in this state, and I think, maybe our whole marriage was depending on it. So what is self-deception? It is when you lie to yourself, but you really think, you don't. It sounds simple, but it is really complicated.... And can be very damaging, especially if you can carry on for 20 years with something like that. Well, I think my husband never loved me, and now I have a really hard time to stay with him. But because I can't confront him on his own lie, I can never be sure, and there is always the chance that I'm wrong... So why do I think this?Here is the story... A few years ago, in a very bad fight, he told me, that he never loved me, he just sort of stuck with me... But he never said this before, and after the argument, he fully denied it.. SoA few weeks after the argument, we tried to make love, and he couldn't get it up. After this, he never got a full erection. He became impotent. So he went to doctors, but he is not sick, so it is obviously psychological. It's been 4 years now..But he denies it... Yes, I think after, he admitted, the "truth" to himself, his whole world fall apart, and he could never look at me in the same way.I'm so freaked out now, because I feel I live with a real psycho.. I know, I can't get him to admit it again, but he is more and more withdrawing from me, and I feel I'm living in a lie... because I can't prove my point, I have no real reason to think I'm right.. And this a long long marriage, to destroy, just because of my own intuition.. Dear smart advisers, what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009):Hi
I think you will never know your husbands TRUTH however you maybe need to look at your own truth. What was your love built on? Do you know the real answer but hoping that he can tell you.
I wish you well and its quite true time is important the years but what about the rest of your years?
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reader, Country Woman +, writes (9 January 2009):OK here's my thoughts on what is going on in your marriage.
I was never married but was with a man for almost 20 years and it was never a straight forward relationship so I do relate to what you are saying, I will come back to that later.
OK self deception is a very powerful thought pattern and I think a lot of us at some point in our lives experience this emotion. We make ourselves believe that a situation is actually better than it really is or for that matter worse than it appears.
Now I am no trained counsellor but during our emotional break up, we did have a lot of counselling and one of my counsellors said that during arguments we do say things we don't necessarily mean but there are always elements of truth when we have these arguments and things are said.
You have basically flung back at him the words that he said about never loving you but sticking with you. As relationships continue sometimes we do get into ruts but did anyone have a gun to his head when he walked down the aisle to marry you - I suspect not is the answer.
Do you have children together? If so, he has experienced the joy of having had children with you and the whole stress and strain and also the enjoyment we get from our children.
The closeness you once enjoyed has been compromised because of this argument a few years ago and it has been a massive hurdle to overcome ever since. Perhaps his guilt in the way he spoke to you during that argument is the pure reason he does not get an erection at times of love making/sex. Psychological problems with affect anyone's sexual drive. I know as a woman that I have not wanted sex with my ex after having had a bad argument as my head is all over the place and the words continue to ring in your ears.
I personally don't agree that you should separate as that does seem quite extreme. What I do think you should do is to perhaps go and see a couple counsellor who could try to address the issues that you are experiencing right now. Maybe you will both hear things you didn't want to hear but at least you are both trying to do something about trying to save your marriage and reignite the passion once more.
One way and another you can always say that you didn't just quit, you tried to resolve the differences you have with some counselling. The other thing that counselling does help a lot of people with is to actually LISTEN to their partner and not talk over them or dismiss what their partner is saying. It is in my opinion worth a shot even if you cannot afford lots of sessions but just a few surely a marriage that has lasted this long deserves a little bit of effort on both sides.
As far as proving your point, you would find out the truth either way, however, if he totally dismisses the idea then you really do need to do some soul searching. You cannot live the rest of your life in an unhappy marriage, that is just purely unhealthy and we only get one chance on this earth so make the most of it and have a happy life not a miserable one that is mundane and part of a routine rather than an exciting life with someone you love.
Take care and keep us all posted eh!
Wish you the very best of luck.
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reader, yum yum +, writes (8 January 2009):I can understand your situation, its hard to deal with someone who is in the state of self-deception. The state of self-deception is similar of being self-deluted which is fooling one'self. The fact that you believe that your husband is becoming distant could be a sighn that he feels that you know and have identified somthing new and different about him, which is making him insecure. He could be feeling that you know more about him than he does himself. In this case you should try and speak to your husband about your feelings and try and find out what he is feeling and what he wants. If you are unhappy about this marriage you should then maybe consider getting seperated because this seems to be making you unhappy. However it does take a lot of courage to take that option because you have been a long time with him. Take care!
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