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I feel I am not good enough and cry everyday

Tagged as: Breaking up, Health, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 October 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 10 October 2017)
A female United States age 22-25, *izunaNoYume writes:

I am 25, single and VERY lonely. My now ex bf recently broke up with me because he lost feelings for me. I think it is all my fault, but he says it is not. He says his feelings fizzled out over time and insists there is no new girl. I am scared of my ex falling for another girl. I don't feel like I am good enough anymore, especially for marriage and relationships. I am so heartbroken over this situation and I cry everyday because of it.

I am a pharmacist who is currently pursuing postgrad education. My self esteem is very low because of this event and also due to previous failed relationships. All my friends are getting married and I feel so terrible because I cant find anyone who will like me. I am scared that I will never find my soulmate and that I will be forever alone. I feel extremely unattractive and I dont feel beautiful anymore. I am not desperate for a man, but I feel so sad because it feels like all the good men are gone.

Please help me! I wish I could find a kind person who will love me forever, but it just seems so impossible every single day. I am afraid of never having children and being forever alone. I have tried dating sites, but it feels like I cant find anyone.

View related questions: broke up, heartbroken, my ex, self esteem, soulmate

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 October 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou have just recently been through a break up so off course you are going to be upset and feeling down, all that is completely normal. Give yourself some time to heal. If you need to cry then cry but once you start feeling better then go out in to the world and be happy. Remember you do not need a man to be happy. Work on being independent and believe me the right man will come along when you are not looking for him. Go out and make friends, enjoy your life. You are only 25, you are still young and you have your whole life ahead off you.

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A female reader, KizunaNoYume United States +, writes (10 October 2017):

KizunaNoYume is verified as being by the original poster of the question

KizunaNoYume agony auntOther advice would also be helpful

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A female reader, KizunaNoYume United States +, writes (10 October 2017):

KizunaNoYume is verified as being by the original poster of the question

KizunaNoYume agony auntThank you all :) Your advice was helpful! I am trying to piece myself back together again. FYI I forgot to mention that this break up was fairly recent.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (10 October 2017):

Dionee' agony auntDear, you're only 25 y/o. There is so much more to life then a relationship that you wish you had.

Firstly, I agree with your ex that it isn't your fault, sometimes we do fall out of love and there's nothing that we can do to change it so it's best that you accept what has happened and try to deal with it in a healthy way.

The fact of the matter is that you're so desperate to get married that if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else that you're pining after. It doesn't look like you care who it is that you marry and build a life with at this point, as long as it's someone who is willing... this, my dear, shows; that you are not ready for an adult relationship at this point in time. You're just fixated on this because everyone else is doing it and it's the popular thing to do among the people that you know but look; your path will never be the same as everyone else's...surely you know that? Nobodies path in life is the same. So what if you aren't getting married right away? It clearly isn't the time for that right now so if I were you, I'd shift my focus. Focusing on your post grad qualification will be best for the time being. It will help loads towards helping you become the woman that you're ultimately meant to be.

Marriage and kids will surely come later on. If you were 60 y/o and losing hope then that would make sense but you're only 25 and besides, more often than not, the best relationships are the ones that we don't actually see coming so who knows, maybe if you shift your focus and mature a bit then Mr right might come your way.

As for the sobbing every day, we understand but how about instead of crying, whenever you feel the need to break down; try doing something that used to make you happy previously.

Another thing, you sound as if you don't practice self love. The key to radiating confidence is to love yourself. Clearly it's something that you're struggling with and need help with. I'd suggest either seeking counselling or learning to appreciate yourself. A way I love to do this is by taking myself out on little lunches and walks, just me. I spend some time actually spoiling myself and loving who I am without having to depend on someone else for happiness. It really does work. You pick up your own bill and show yourself that you really are great company and don't need anyone else to make your life amazing. You can take yourself to a spa and just have a relaxing day all by yourself.

Misery loves company so learn how to be happy and confident and KNOW that you ARE enough.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

N91 agony auntYou want to find someone? Stop wallowing in self pity for a start.

How is someone else going to value you if you think nothing of yourself? What good is crying everyday? Is that solving anything? Didn't think so. It sounds cliche but people do pop up when you least expect it.

You sound quite desperate and in turn that will make you extremely needy when you actually are speaking to someone, which for me personally is one of the most off putting traits in a potential partner.

If you don't feel attractive then do something about it. Join a gym, get your hair done, pamper yourself or buy a new outfit. Do something to feel good about yourself. If you don't feel confident then how is anyone else going to want to be around you? Nobody wants to spend time with someone being negative and especially not pursue romantic interests with someone in that mindset.

What you're currently doing is weeding out partners that weren't right for you. You're so young still, I'm almost 26 and never had a gf and I'm not worried in the slightest because I know I will one day get together with. Someone. I don't cry and feel sorry for myself because who is that helping?

You really need to toughen up.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 October 2017):

If you feel so badly about yourself; because you need some guy's validation, then you're not ready for an adult-relationship. Life has risks and no guarantees.

I understand how it feels after a breakup. You feel eviscerated. Like someone dropped a ton of bricks on top of you. Been there, and done that.

You're very young. You have to gain strength and confidence through experience. That means both good and bad. You first have to have a few failed-relationships to learn to survive them. To develop tolerance, perseverance, and discernment. You also have to deal with different male-types or personalities; in order to find the right match for yourself.

The timing of events that occur in the lives of others has nothing to do with you; or what destiny has in store for you. We all follow our own paths. Don't be envious of others. Your blessings are timed according to your needs.

Love, marriage, and kids come eventually. We're not always ready or suited to have them. Your life is not set to keep-up with the timelines and lives of other people. Having a man doesn't determine your value; nor confirm that you'll be happy because you've got one. You're convinced that relationships are the only way to happiness and fulfillment. Then why do people divorce? Why are there dysfunctional-families? Why don't they stay happy forever?

Practice loving yourself; so you'll know how it feels on someone else.

You've yet to learn that there's much more to life than having a boyfriend. You've got some growing-up to do. You've got to know who you are, and like who you are. My first true love died of cancer. I had to learn to live without him. I still had to be happy and enjoy my life. I found another great guy. I've been dumped before too!

You're not ready for any kind of relationship; because you're too fragile. You have no resilience. You still think like a little girl; instead of realizing that life gets tough sometimes. Over-coming obstacles is survival.

If you have a rough time with relationships; it's because you're clingy, too delicate, and you need the validation from others to feel good about yourself. If you're not already confident and happy with your looks before a relationship; you're bringing nothing to the table. You're easy prey to men who use and discard weakly or frail women.

If you don't like yourself; how is someone supposed trust you with his heart? You're insecure, you'll break it. You let men make you feel bad if they reject you; and suddenly you're nothing because some jerk went for another woman. Maybe because she has the confidence in herself you don't have.

You're smart and accomplished. Even if you have had failed relationships; at least you can attract men. So it's not how you look, but how you feel about yourself. How you recover!

Low self-esteem will make you needy and insecure. You'll fall apart too easily when things don't quite go your way. You've got to be strong. You've got to withstand rejection and betrayal. You can't put all the power in the man's hands. Keep some for yourself. Be independent. Bounce back!

Love yourself first. Realize your own power and strength. Don't look for men to compensate for your shortcomings. Stop being ruled by your insecurities. Take charge over your emotions. Self-worth comes from within. You've got to be a good strong woman to deserve a good strong man. Who's going to watch his back and preserve the family when his strength gives-out? Who can he rely on, if everything rests on his shoulders alone?

Getting over a breakup is a difficult emotional process. You fight your way through to recovery. You'll develop strength and endurance by doing so. If you're a pharmacist, you know you have a life-span of another 50-60 plus years. You'll find someone in that much time. Work on your self-esteem and self-confidence. Men can't give that to you. Nor can they take it away, if it's homegrown. It's grows back if you cut it down.

You had better power-up; because there may be more breakups before you hit the jackpot.

That's how life goes. Be thankful for your blessings, make yourself happy, run under your own energy; and stop placing your worth in the hands of men. That's a weak-spirit and you'll never survive being a wife, or a mother. That takes guts and strength. Lots of women want it, but aren't up to the task. Too busy blaming men for their own lack of preparation for life. If you never marry, you've still got to live and be happy. Being single isn't a curse. Being married doesn't make every woman happy.

You'll have to teach your kids how to survive and love themselves. How can you do that, if you don't know how yourself?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (10 October 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntWow! 25 and on the shelf! Poor you!

I am gently kidding of course. Sweetheart, you have your whole life ahead of you to find the right person.

Dating is all about meeting people, deciding they are not right for you and moving on to the next one until you find the one who IS right for you. Always remember that it is not just a case of THEM liking YOU but also YOU liking THEM. Don't ever settle for someone you are not really into just because THEY are into you.

How long ago did you and your ex split up? If it was fairly recently, then the crying is understandable. You are mourning a loss and it is natural (for some) to cry. If it was quite a while ago, then perhaps you need to go and see a counsellor to talk through what is making you so sad.

Head up, plaster a smile on your face and go out and be determined to enjoy life. When you meet the right one, you will understand why the others did not work out.

Hugs.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (10 October 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntIf you are crying everyday go see a doctor or seek counselling, stop trying to find somebody new until you are feeling more positive and less depressed.

Do more of the things that make you happy, even if you have to force yourself. Go for a daily walk, even if it is just around the block ... make a list of simple achievements to complete by Easter next year where you do something you have never done before ... like bake a cake from scratch or sing out loud to Christmas carols wile you do your grocery shopping.

Take little steps to start with, build a life for yourself, which will help you regain your confidence and sense of self worth, become a person you would like to spend time with.

Sending good wishes ...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2017):

My love don't feel bad you just have to pick yourself up at the end of the day. I am 24 and the guy I was engaged to left me for another girl I was sad but I had to pick my self up because crying gets you know where. I would say just learn to love yourself go on gender and be happy five years from now this guy won't matter. Love your self and others will do the same

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