A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need someone to tell me to grow up. I don't think I deserve any sympathy or kind words. Here's my situation:Last year I split up with my girlfriend. We'd been together for 5 years and were always so much in love. She wanted children though and I didn't. She started putting pressure on me and we split up. I moved away and a little while later I started dating someone else.Today I found out that my ex is starting to date again and I'm totally messed up. I love the woman I'm with now very much but it still hurts that my ex is moving on with her life. I know I can't talk, because I've done just that myself and am a complete hipocrite for thinking like this, but it still hurts. She was my first real love and the first woman I felt truly cared for me. We did everything together and shared so much in our time together. She was and still is one of my best friends.I know things would never have worked out between us because we wanted different things. I don't want to get back together with her because there was a very good reason for us splitting up. I guess it's because I still loved her when we split up. I think I'm sad because I was never able to give her what she wanted and that now she'll be able to be happy in a way I could never make her. I think I'm feeling a good dose of male pride as well. I've been crying a lot of the day since I found out, but know I shouldn't feel this way because it's best for both of us.I'm just wondering how I should feel. Is it right that I feel sad? How do I get over the way I'm feeling?Thank you in advance.
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best friend, get back together, my ex, split up Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010): Thank you for your kind responses. I took some time out last night to think things through and what you've all said made a lot of sense. We were together for a long time and were very happy together and also shared a lot of things.
I love her but I know I'm not in love with her anymore. There were other problems in our relationship but I'm still very protective of her and don't want her to make any mistakes. It was bad enough me leaving her but I don't want her hurt by another man. I suppose it's not my problem anymore.
I haven't met the guy. I hope he's decent and looks after her well. She'll always have that special place in my heart.
A
female
reader, jc82  +, writes (7 March 2010):
 My first boyfriend is getting married this summer and it bothers me to think about it, and I cried and was very upset when I first found out (although I am already married to someone else). I think its normal, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for being upset. On the same note, you have to let it go. Find a way to remind yourself of the present, and pull yourself out of the doldrums.
For me, getting over the feeling was just remembering how happy I am now, thinking about my future with my husband, and remembering the good as well as the bad about my ex. Also, I do my best to no longer keep tabs on my ex. Its best NOT to know, because it changes nothing and just leads to unhealthy dwelling on a situation that is not going to change. Plus, you have your new partners feelings to think of, and its not fair to her if you keep nursing positive/negative feelings for your ex.
So... as requested: grow up! Grieve, and move on. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): Are you sure you're not still in love with her??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2010): 5 years with her and you wouldn't take the plunge?
I think she was good and patient. Girls are getting less and less patient nowadays, so you had a blessing there.
As for why you feeling whatever you are feeling, you loved/love her. You were just scared about the father aspect. Probably still are.
As to her "Dating" again, that's not a shut door by any means. You could open it again, but, you'd have to get on her same page. She waited a long ass time for you my friend
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (7 March 2010):
 It will hurt for a while, you havent got over her yet.
Just focus on your own relationship now, stop dwelling on your old relationship and move on with your life.
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (7 March 2010):
 She will never be replaced in your life as your first love. There really is no such thing as blotting someone out of your memory. Fortunately for the both of you, there is no animosity to contend with.
You are feeling quite naturally and you recognize that because deep down most men wish to feel useful and fulfill a role in the lives of the people they love. Now it would seem she is attempting to fill the role you once had in her life with someone else. Also that she will be sharing the same fondness she shared with you with someone else.
Right now the issue is acceptance. Dwelling upon all of this excessively will begin eat at the relationship you currently enjoy...women smell this stuff a mile away. Be mindful of your feelings and learn to accept the decision you both made.
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