A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hiya everyone I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now we have a 19 month old daughter together we have talked about getting engaged as we were discussing this yesterday my boyfriend said he doesn't want to get engaged but we will if I want to am I right to be upset about this as I thought getting engaged is something both of you are supposed to want I've told him I don't want to get engaged unless it's what we both want them he couldn't figure out why I was upset about this now I feel like he doesn't love me enough to want to get engaged what do I do thank you
View related questions:
engaged Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 A lot of people when they move in together and have a child marriage goes out the window, a lot of people don't want to spend money on a wedding when they can use it for there child, I mean really what will change? You are living together and you have a child, for you what will marriage bring? It really does not mean he does not love you enough, he probably just does not see the point when you are happy as you are.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 July 2016):
 Not everyone sees marriage in their future; that doesn't mean he doesn't see a future with you, just that marriage isn't a step that he wants to take. Although, having a child means marriage would be added security, so I advise it, unless he's not for you.
You have to figure out if him doing it because he knows it's what you want is something you're okay with, or if they need to want it badly too. If you *need* them to want it badly too, you're with the wrong guy.
This is the best compromise you can get from him. Is it enough for you?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2016): "what do I do"Accept the reality that your boyfriend has no interest in getting engaged (or married) because he has nothing to gain from it. As it is he's enjoying the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibilities, and should he get bored then he can easily walk away leaving you stuck raising his kid. At this point getting engaged would be redundant; traditionally a formal engagement is a period when a couple plans their wedding and prepares for married life. Given that you're already shacking up and have an almost two-year-old kid there's no point in it. And from a practical standpoint, if you're naively dreaming of a diamond ring and/or big wedding then that ship should have sailed when you had a kid. Your daughter is your first priority and any money you may have planned on spending on unnecessary frills would be much better invested in her future, perhaps by starting an education fund.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2016):
 You went ahead of yourselves by having a baby first. I am not saying it's necessarily a mistake. You do not know if you have another chance of getting pregnant again. You were still at your prime age to carry a baby. Your boyfriend probably liked the idea of being father but you should not take that as the ultimate commitment from a man. Engagement has no point. It's either get married stay single from now on. He is okay to say engaged but not married, because it is much easier to "disengage" than to annul a marriage. Wanting to get married requires more than just love. One has to have a belief that love is forever, and a burning desire that his loved one feels secure, and a pride that he is a provider.
It won't work to say "if you love me, prove it with a ring." He probably is someone who lives by the day and does not care about the future. He is comfortable with the status quo. Marriage feels like a financial trap with no real benefits to him.
If you ask, what do you do to make him want marriage, and to realize you are the one he should commit his whole life to? Or are you asking if you should leave him because he doesn't love you and you should find someone who actually loves you back?
I don't think he is as clueless as he sounds. He made it seem like you should be happy because he begrudgingly accepted your proposal because it is the right thing to do. I guess when you have a baby without getting married, it gives a message to the guy that you aren't the vulnerable woman who yearns to have a prince who sweeps her off her feet, proposes and make you his woman. He just sees you as some woman who is so glad to share his gene that she couldn't care less if there is no future security. If you had to say "if I knew you never see me as long term, I would have never had the baby with you." It's too late.
If you marriage is what you want, you need to break up with him and find a man who believes in marriage. Marrying out of obligation rarely works.
...............................
|
