A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, Over the past year, I have begun the process of "growing up". I'm getting ready to graduate from college, moving out of my mom's house, I've been applying for jobs, etc. In a few days, I'm leaving for a New Year's vacation with my boyfriend, and this will be the first time I have gone away with a boyfriend. Now here's my problem, although my mom is not happy about all of these changes, she is being fairly supportive, thankfully. I don't at all feel that I'm making any bad decisions, but I still feel sort of guilty that I'm doing things my mom doesn't really approve of. I'm glad that she's letting me make my own decisions, but I feel bad that she disapproves. I think maybe this is just part of growing up, and I'm not even sure what I'm asking, but should I feel bad? Should I try to get over it and enjoy myself? Is this normal?Thank you all for your input! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your replies! You really helped me feel better about what I'm doing. I'm greatful that my mom is so supportive, but at 21, I am ready to begin living my own life!
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 (laugh) Of course you feel guilty... just as she feels guilty for being upset that you are growing up and leaving home and no longer need her.. For mothers this is called the "empty nest syndrome"... you give your life to your kids, for 18years they come to you for everything, then one day, they get boyfriends, they go college, they want to get jobs and move away.
Perfectly normal in our western societies.. in some societies children never leave home, but everyone, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles just live in one big house together. But we don't live like this, and she would hate for you to stay at home because your to scared to go out in the world.
You must grow up, and growing up means leaving and trying new things. Just like one day she will get old and die and you'll cry and want her to be with you forever.
Not the way life works I'm afraid. Now off you go on holiday, have a great time with your boyfriend. Your mum must be so happy and excited for you. Doing things she never got the chance to do, or doing things she's done before and having all the fun she once had.
Wanting your mother's approval is a good thing, it shows you love and respect her. Doing what you need to do anyway shows she brought you up to be strong, brave and with good brains.
You just continue being you, yes she will miss you, but if you don't go and do interesting things she won't be able to boast about you and say how proud she is that her daughter is clever, loving and independent.
Give mum a hug and a kiss, she'll get used to it by next year, it's just all new and strange, remember for 18years she was the only person you needed to be so close. Maybe in the future you can give her some grandchildren and then she'll play mummy once more.
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A
female
reader, BettyBird +, writes (2 January 2012):
Hi,
The changing times and "parents approval" are definitly not mutually exclusive.
Most parents rarely approve of everything their children do but it sounds like your mum is aware of the fact things aren't the same as when she was young and is allowing you to become a young adult.
The face that you are even considering any guilt over this shows a great deal of maturity and I am sure your mum would be really pleased you are growing into such a considerate person.
In reality moving out, applying for jobs and graduating are things that she will definitly be supportive about,it seems like the only thing that worries you here is the boyfriend situation.
Maybe if you share a little with her and tell her the feelings you've said here she will see how mature you are and that you are very capable of making your own decisions but will also show how you still love her and value her opinion and will always come for help. This will relax you and your mum both about the changes in your life whilst still consoling her that you will always need her.
I hope this all goes well for you and you had a good trip.
Thanks
Ta Ra xxx
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 January 2012):
 Simple. Decide who is going to LIVE your life.... you, or your Mother. Whoever is the answer to that question is the name of the person who can (or cannot) make you feel guilty about the things that you do.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (2 January 2012):
this is classic parent behaviour when their child is becoming an adult, its good she is supportive which shows she cares and wants you to be happy but she is just sad at the realisation that you want to be independent now. As you say you're not doing anything bad you are living your life, moving out, having fun, graduating, its just all part of the process its not that she disapproves just that she finds it hard to let go of her little girl :) just remind her that you'll still need her around and that you love her, she'll know this already but its just to let her know that you'll both be fine :) good luck
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A
female
reader, Ima FreAk! +, writes (2 January 2012):
 Hiyaaaa,
Every mum is bound to disapprove things I mean my mum disapprove tattoos and and any body piercing except ears, she even thinks the carilage piercing is extreme. So every mum has their own "what they hate". So don't worry it's perfectly normal.
Maybe your mum doesn't wanna lose her princess which is what usually happens but your mum has started to let go slowly which is good and even though she is supporting you, now it's your turn to support her.
Even though she disapprove of the things you're doing don't go overboard with it,so you know keep in contact with her, don't let her outta your life kinda thing, give her more roles to do you know. I know this is weird but I think of my mum as my friend as well so take her shopping and have some "mummy" time.
You can't change what she disapproves coz sometimes mum says a solid NO to things but you shouldn't feel guilty coz your mum probably disapproves these things coz she loves you and wants you safe. Every mum wants their little princess safe!
Hope my advice helps!
Good luck and have a fun holiday!
Lots of love,
Ima FreAk!
x
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