A
female
age
36-40,
*heartmykiddos
writes:I am 25 years old, my husband and i have been married for 5 years and we have 3 children together, ages 4, 3 and 1. My husband walked out on the kids and me the day i was discharged from the hospital with our newborn babygirl (12 months ago) and he moved in with a "friend". He left us with no vehicle or money (i had been a stay at home mom for 4 years) I had 2 toddlers, a newborn, no income, a mortgage and bills that needed to be payed and mouths to be fed. He didn't offer to help me at all, he said he had to help his "friend" with bills and since he wasn't living in our home anymore that he was going to have all of the utilities shut off. I was completely devestated, i didn't know what was going to happen to my children or myself. I ended up having to get on welfare because he refused to pay childsupport or to help me at all, he said he didn't have any money left after helping pay his "friends" bills, I had found out a couple months later that the "friend" he was living with was another woman. A short, frumpy, unattractive woman who is a decade older than my husband and myself. He claimed that they were just friends, that she needed a roommate and he needed somewhere to stay because the pressure of having another baby was too much for him and all he wanted to do was start a garage band and make music. I believed that they were just friends because like i said, she is a decade older, she is short, frumpy and less than average looking. Though after a couple months i figured that if they started out as friends they were probably more than that now. My husband and this woman made my life a living hell, they tried to take my babies from me, they called me names and even made fun of me for being on state assistance, even though the only reason i was on state assistance is because my husband wasn't paying childsupport and I didn't have an income, I was still healing from childbirth and trying to get my childrens and my life back on track. After a few months of crying, praying and getting into the swing of being a single mom, i started working part time and going to school full time. I felt like i was taking back my life, i wasn't crying over the loss of my marriage anymore, the kids were doing great and I had found peace and joy. A few months ago (8 months seperated at this point) my husband came to my house, he appologized, said he made a huge mistake and that he wanted our family to be together.. He maintained that he never cheated on me, that they were just friends and that their relationship status was purely roommate from beginning to end, never anything more than that. So i believed him, i figured he had no reason to lie about it for 8 months while we were going through a divorce and then to continue the lie, so he must be telling the truth. He told me how much he missed me, that we are soulmates and he has always wanted only me, that the pressure of having another baby just got to him and he needed some time but that he wanted to come back and be a family. So i let him come back, he has been back in the house for almost 4 months now and we have been getting along good. But a couple weeks ago his ex "roommate" emailed me saying that i should ask my husband where he was while i was in labor with our baby etc.. So i asked him and he said that she was crazy and is just trying to cause problems. A couple days later I noticed that my husband had been in my email account and i started looking in my deleted and sent items and saw that they had been emailing back and forth.. My husband hacked my email account to tell her to stop emailing me and she was emailing him that i was going to find out the truth eventually.. So i asked him what was going on and he still tried to deny any relationship with her.. I pushed the issue and he finally confessed last week that he had started having an affair with her during the end of my pregnancy, that he was with her before he came to the hospital for the birth of our daughter, that she had been in our house while i was in the hospital etc.. I feel so dumb for having trusted my husband so much. I feel double betrayed. I feel unhappy, I want him to leave but he won't. He is such a liar i feel like i don't know him. lies on lies on lies. How do i make him understand that he has caused too much pain for me to just get over it..? What am i supposed to do?
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affair, cheated on me, discharge, divorce, his ex, liar, money, moved in, roommate, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): Hi There, i know you may want your family intact but this man walked out on you, why prolong your agony. you are so young but you have done an excellent job raising 3 kids alone. why go backwards. i do not know what you are going through right now but know this, you are strong and you will survive on your own. your kkids are lucky to have a mum who wants the best for them, but what about what is best for you. hun, you deserve better and you need love, respect and affection. one day you will get this.
-LoveGirl
A
female
reader, iheartmykiddos +, writes (4 September 2010):
iheartmykiddos is verified as being by the original poster of the question Jonas,
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond :) I appreciate your input. A few people have asked the same question as you in regards to having 3 kids by the age of 25.. My husband and I had met in school, he was getting a degree in welding and I was working on a healthcare degree, we dated for a while, he asked me to marry him, he said he wanted to start a family right away and I wanted to have kids eventually anyway so we decided to try to have a baby, i got pregnant right away. I had a great pregnancy, I had our son natural, he was healthy and we were happy. I decided I wanted to stay at home with our baby, my husband wanted more kids, he had a great career and i felt blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom, i was in love with being a mom, so we did what family's do, we grew. I know we are and were very young, we rushed into marriage and into having kids and into buying a house, but it seemed like a normal progression, albeit fast. I am very happy with the 3 beautiful healthy children I have, I am definitely done having children though. Having 3 little kids has made this situation more desperate and i feel guilty all the time, I so badly want our family to stay together but I feel like my kids will be better off having come from a broken home rather than living in a broken home.... ? At what point is it ok to say, enough is enough? Would i be stronger for continuing to try to make my marriage work, as long as we both shall live? Or does that just make me dumb considering all that he has put me and the kids through.?
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (4 September 2010):
 You were able to make it on your own with him gone for 8 months, so you really don't need him. Can you leave and stay with your family? If his temper is as bad as you say it is, you need to leave this situation as a matter of safety. Get another order of protection if you must. If he refuses to pay child support, apply for all of the assistance you can get from the State and they will make him repay them for any benefits you receive. Work with the financial aid office at your school to see if you qualify for more assistance as a single parent and a public assistance recipient. See if you can get the 3 and 4 year olds into Head Start or preschool so you won't have to pay for daycare for them while you're at school. Look into on-campus housing or low-income tax credit housing so you and the kids won't be out on the street in the event of foreclosure.
You don't have to tolerate this situation, but you do need to take some time to start exploring your options and planning your way out of this marriage. By being strategic, you can get out of this mess and get your life back on track.
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A
female
reader, iheartmykiddos +, writes (4 September 2010):
iheartmykiddos is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for responding. It's nice to know that I am not being selfish by wanting him to leave.. When i try to talk to him about how this situation makes me feel he says he just wants to forget about it, and i want to forget about it too.. but i can't! I feel like he isn't really sorry for the affair or for the way he has treated me and the kids because he isn't making any steps to try to help the situation. I feel like he is using me because he needs somewhere to stay and because he doesn't want to pay childsupport. The division of childsupport had finally started garnishing his paychecks for childsupport, he was so upset about it that he actually quit his job! He is working again and I've told him that I am going to again pursue childsupport because I don't completely trust that our marriage can be saved. He is not happy about that at all. As far as school, the reason I chose to work part time and go to school full time is because I haven't been able to find a job that pays well enough for me to support myself and 3 kids with. I have promised myself to never be so dependant on a man again, especially financially. The only way I feel that I can acheive that, is to get a college degree. The court ordered my husband to continue to pay the mortgage after he moved out (a temporary order) whichhe never did i've tried to pay as much as i can towards the mortgage but it is so far behind now that the bank is considering foreclosure. My parents helped me get a vehicle, a mini van with low miles. I had alot of support from my family and from the state to help me get my feet on the ground, i felt i were moving forward in my life. With my husband momentarily back in the picture I feel like i have taken a giant step backwards. It hurts that he doesn't understand the pain that he has caused me and our family and that he doesn't seem to understand the devestation he caused, he completely turned the kids and my world upside down and it feels like a slap in the face that he seems to think it is okay for him to come back into our lives acting like everything is ok. I feel like he should be reassuring me daily, professing his love and devotion to me and to our family, basically kissing my ass, he has alot to prove. But he has done nothing to help me financially, he doesn't help with the house or with the kids, as a matter of fact he loses his patience with our kids and yells and cusses at them for doing things that kids do, then he gets mad at me for not reacting the way he does over spilt milk and mud on the floor. He says that I don't care and I let them do whatever they want, which is not true at all, i dont "let" them make messes, but sometimes they do, i choose to pick my battles with them, there is no point in screaming and cussing at kids who are 4, 3 and 1. All it does is scare them and make them cry. My kids get upset and tell him to go back to (the other womans name)'s house, they say things to me like "can daddy leave again please" It breaks my heart, he just doesn't get it. When i tell him "you aren't even trying. why are you here? i want you to leave.." he guilt trips me by saying that I am giving up on our marriage and that i am trying to break our family apart. As I am writing this message he is playing video games and not giving our kids the time of day. I got up early with the kids, got them and myself bathed, dressed and fed, took them to daycare, went to work, picked them up from daycare and came home, made the kids a snack, changed the baby's diaper, did the "your baby can read" program with the kids, did laundry and made dinner, after i write this i am going to play with the kids then wash dinner dishes... my husband has been home playing video games and watching tv all day, if i even ask for help he get annoyed, so i don't ask anymore. How can i get him to understand that this isn't working? I have said all of these things to him but he just sits there, if i push it then he gets angry and violent (i had gotten a protection order against him 2 years ago) he has a terrible temper, i just want him to leave!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 September 2010):
 Divorce his cheating ass, contact Child support services and seek child support and full custody.
Honey, focus on you and the kids, he isn't worth a pot to piss in.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (3 September 2010):
 Next time he goes out, change the locks. File for a divorce. If he causes trouble, turn to the police. You are a woman with three children, they will take your side.Do not feel ashamed about turning to the government for help, they were wrong to insult you, they insulted thousands if not millions of other people. You have my respect for taking care of your children so well.I wish you Good luckI hope that helps.
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