A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm so angry as I write this post and a little confused. I was talking to my boyfriend of 9 years the other day and he asked me about something that happened to one of my friends that I could of swore I never told him, I brushed it off thinking I must of told him at some point and just forgot. Anyway I always close all my apps on my phone cz the battery life is rubbish I opened my phone the other day and my wattsapp was open n I thought I closed it, again I brushed it off. I deactivated my Facebook about 2 months ago because I never use it anymore and was applying for new jobs n there's stupid pics of me on it when I was young and silly there was no need for it anymore.. I went out with my friend the other day and she wanted to geotag me and I said you can't my Facebook is deactivated and she was like no it's not I checked and it wasn't the only way to reactivate it is to sign in normally and you wouldn't know it was deactivated and your reactivating it. My bf has all my social media passwords and my phone pass code he's not crazy controlling or jealous well out loud anyway it's just we've been together so long n I have the same password for everything n I've had it for years he just knows it I didn't think he used it. So I hot out of the shower the other day and he was on my phone I asked him what he was doing n he said just on the news app I have on my phone n that's when I realised he's been snooping on me. We have a happy relationship sex at least 6-8 times a week speak everyday we started this new thing this year where we do something on our bucket list evetyweekened n it's been great.. What I'm saying is nothing has changed(I stayed at my old job in the end so it's not a new job) I dnt work late I see him on weekends why the hell is he snooping on me I feel so violated and my friends to they tell me private things they would never tell him and now he probably knows in 9 years I've never even got close to another guy never given him any reason not to trust me I'm loyal n Id do anything for him I've never even thought of looking on his phone. I confronted him about it and he said he's just looked a few times too see what I get up too but we talk every night about how our respective days were he knows what I've been up too. He says he trusts me with his life and I can go through his fb whenever I want he's had the same password since he was 15 I know it I wouldn't dream of using it I dnt want to see his fb that wnt even the score like he thinks it will. I just want to get this out there he's a gentleman he treats me amazing he's never shouted or swore at me he's understanding and generous which is why this is such a shock to me. I havnt spoke to him in a day now I feel betrayed and violated and dnt know how to get back from here. Do you think he's secretly paranoid and jealous? Am I overreacting? I'm really confused.
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female
reader, Campari Milano  +, writes (26 February 2017):
You are not overreacting at all!!!!No one has the right to go through anyones phone!When you are in a long-term relationship, there comes a point where you do know each others passwords and PINs, because that trust is there. To violate that trust is a very serious matter. And to think that offering you the opportunity to do the same makes up for it is ridiculous!Do you think that he understands how wrong his actions were, and that you are stupid?Or is he stupid and you have to explain it to him?I am glad he is a really good boyfriend, and I understand you wanting to repare the damage.The thing is, you can't repair anything until he really comes clean about what he's done, and why!I can tell by your post that you don't trust him anymore. You want to, but you can't. What kind of relatioship is that?I would be more angry about that than anything!You cannot let this get brushed under the carpet. This kind of thing festers, and bubbles and destroys everything good you DO have.Good luck.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 February 2017):
 This would annoy me as well. Off course you are upset, you are entitled to privacy and he has violated that. It sounds like he has some trust issues, or at the best he was just being nosy, but still it is not cool. You need to sit him down and tell him how this has made you feel. You both need to talk it out and tell him you feel he has no right reading private messages.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (20 February 2017):
 Here's the thing:
I know exactly how you feel because I have been on the receiving end of snooping as well, only in my case, it was old-school pre-internet days. It was back in the days when everything was on paper and I have always been meticulous in saving phone bills, bank statements, important receipts for write offs, old check registers, tax returns, and other records. They've always been filed away, and in the case of a tax audit, personal or business, I'd be absolutely ready with every I dotted and every T crossed.
Well, someone I was with rifled through all of my phone bills for the past 3 years to see if I had been secretly talking to other guys. He also rifled through bank statements to see if I had spent money in suspicious places. He did this by sneaking my file cabinet key and doing it while I had run to the store to get something for him. Needless to say, I dumped him so fast his head spun. And he was a real stalker, believe me.
******
Here's the problem, and I'm going to be very straight with you because it's a mistake WAY TOO MANY people make nowadays, and in my opinion, IT HAS TO STOP!!!!
The guy who snooped and rifled through all of my stuff stole my key. I didn't give it to him.
YOU gave your boyfriend of 9 years all of your passwords as a "show of trust". He has all of your social media passwords because you allow him to know it and you haven't changed yours. (Bad idea, but that's irrelevant). You *GIVING* a password is like giving a boyfriend keys to your apartment. He's going to enter. He's going to log into your stuff. It doesn't make it right, but what do you expect?? He's not obligated to know your stuff because he's your boyfriend. Just because he "opened the kimono" and gave you access to his stuff doesn't and should not obligate you to do the same.
I don't doubt for one second that he showed you his in order to get yours. But I'm going to tell you - a MARRIAGE, meaning you are legally bound to each other, meaning your coupling is now a matter for the courts and for public record, should be the only thing that should get you to give up such sensitive personal info as passwords, SSN's, bank accounts, social media, phone codes, and the like. Not living together or even dating longevity, or you're opening yourself up to identity theft and snooping and carelessness with your personal identification. What if he had snooped, left sensitive things open, and you got your phone stolen? What if it was your bank account he had open? Does he take your purse and go digging in it, because a phone *IS* a purse or a wallet in terms of what you should protect.
IMMEDIATELY change all of your passwords. I know you're attached to that password, but it's time to come up with something new to get attached to. You're at risk for ID theft anyways due to your not changing them, much less a snooping boyfriend.
He is addicted to checking up on you. It could be just as harmless as him feeling closer to you when he does it, or if he's the accusatory type, then he's insecure, jealous, and paranoid. But if you don't want him there, take his KEY away. You allowed him to have it, as you have his, but it's time to take it by changing it. If he throws up the "You don't trust me" or "You have my stuff", invite him to change his own passwords. You didn't ASK for that level of personal privacy invasion, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. It's not the right of a partner to have access like that.
And something else - what I'm about to tell you will get a lot of cheaters and lapsed former cheaters really pissed off at me, but do you have any idea how easy it is to cheat on a partner who thinks they know everything? So *WHAT* if you have his passwords! He could buy a second burner phone to hide from you, or create a hidden dating app, buy a second cheap laptop or tablet, turn off a phone's GPS tracking when he's not where you think he should be, it's still easy in this technological day and age to give someone the slip, and the most gullible of people are the ones that think they have "full access" to their partner's personal life. The real pros have hidden separate bank accounts and credit cards that nothing short of hiring a forensic accountant or private investigator could suss out.
I kept things to myself until I got married. After I married, I handed all of my goods to my husband, because now what I do financially legally impacts him. I'm a private person, but from him, being he's my SPOUSE, not boyfriend, not fiance, he gets that access. In my opinion, nothing short of that will do. I don't look through his stuff anyways because I trust him, but there have been times when he's ASKED me to go into something of his and get a code or some info, and vice versa. I know his phone code and he knows mine. But it was no "trust" thing. It was because we're married, and the two officers of "Family corporation, LLC" are keyholders.
You need to first change every single password you have. Then you need to run a credit report on yourself to make sure he hasn't used what he's learned about you to open accounts in your name. I *KNOW* someone that happened to - he had bad credit, so he opened a credit card in his fiance's name behind her back and maxed it out.
The fact that he RE-ACTIVATED your Facebook is nothing short of fraud. He is NOT you, and that's actionable in my opinion. That goes beyond snooping, and shows that he IS deceptive. I'd leave him or at the very least have a really long talk about how that will never happen again.
Then if I were you, I'd never give him access to another thing again until the ring is on your finger. If he doesn't believe in marriage? TOO BAD. No marriage license? no passwords.
Also, LOCK YOUR DAMN PHONE! You have a phone lock code, right?? I know that that's a pin number and not your 15-year old password. If you don't have a code, there's no excuse, and if you have one and he got in, it's because you gave it to him, so you need to change it and UN-give it to him. They even have apps that catch snooping partners in the act.
Tell him how you feel. Tell him he doesn't have the right to do what he's been doing, and like Honeypie said - if he wants to know more about you, he should TALK to you and get to know you instead of invading your privacy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2017): Wow people are being really harsh on your bf. Since when did snooping become the worst crime of all? These are the same people who would be advising others to forgive this and that, cheating and all sorts of thing. But my goodness because the man looked at your messages you can never talk to him again?! Honestly i dont see it as a big deal. You had nothing to hide from each other. Yeah he was snooping, so what he was curious. No its not great but it sure isnt the huge crime everyone is making it out to be.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 February 2017):
 Personally, I couldn't stay with him. If you do snoop, you own up without them asking and apologise. You don't wait until you're caught.
Whether you stay with him or not, change every single password. Write them down somewhere privately (on a locked phone app or where he can't get to it), so you can have a different password for each account. Never tell him any of them, even in another 9 years.
I'd suggest couples' therapy to weed out why he really looked at them. Otherwise, you should probably break up because there's something underlying and you can't trust him without him getting professional help with you.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (20 February 2017):
He does not trust you. You feel betrayed because you have been. He is not a gentleman he is a sneaky creep wearing a gentlemanly mask.
You want to know how to get back from here. Back to what a jealous paranoid control freak who does not trust you? Remember he may apologize profusely and swear that he will never do it again but he will be lying. He will wait until he is certain your guard is down then he will begin spying on you again only the next time he will be much more careful. If you want to live your life knowing this guy is looking over your shoulder without your knowledge go back to him, if not Dump The Mother F***** Already!
And no you are not overreacting one iota!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2017): Well I completely see why you are upset and feel violated. I totally get it, you are doing NOTHING wrong, you just don't want him to go through it all because it is private. However, there are two perspectives to every problem. I don't think he was right to do what he did, but in his defense, social media raises a huge grey area for modern relationships, which people have never had to navigate before. So I think a lot of people are still trying to figure it out, and it raises insecurities in many many people.This is because social media enables people to live a whole other life on their computer essentially. Of course in your case it was a completely harmless other part to your life! But, look how many stories there are of flirting, cheating, sexting, etc (just look on this website of problems!) in social media forums. So I understand that maybe he had never seen what kind of conversations you have on there before. He probably just wanted to take a peak and make sure everything was A OK. I'm sure he felt and sensed that you were trustworthy, but just wanted to have that concrete confirmation- you know? Just like sometimes people who are being cheated on need hard evidence that they ARE being cheated on, sometimes people who truly believe the other person is 100% good and faithful just want to 100% assure themselves of that as well, if that makes any sense.Again I'm not saying this is right, but I think many many people get that urge at least once in a long term relationship to either take a peak at emails, social media, whatever, just to confirm what they know about their SO. Could be idle curiosity, and no doubt underneath it is some instinct to make sure the other person is who they say they are, is being completely faithful, etc. Can you honestly say you've never taken a peak at a document, letter, or email when it was left around/open? I think you giving him the passwords was just too much temptation for him to not take a peak. And perhaps he even felt to some extent that by sharing each other's passwords that was giving permission to check up on each other whenever the other person feels the need. I mean, why else would you bother sharing those passwords?On the positive side, it is a really good sign that he has shared his passwords with you as well (for years!) and welcomes you on to his facebook, etc. As you say he has always acted in a respectful and loving way toward you. I wouldn't let this one incident impact your relationship. I don't think he is a bad person for snooping. I think he is a man who loves you and couldn't resist the urge to check up on the girl he loves. If it gets obsessive I'd have a problem. Go ahead and change your passwords. He has had his little peak into your life and sees that you are innocent just like he thought you would be. Now he should be able to let it go, and you should forgive his snoopiness. Curiosity killed the cat. No one is perfect, this may be his flaw.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 February 2017):
 First, I'm sorry I would feel violated too!
Secondly, without telling him CHANGE ALL your passwords.
HE violated your trust by snooping, it's IRRELEVANT that you had given each other your passwords. THAT does not GIVE him the right to go through your things. It's also NOT OK for him to dismiss this with a "you can just go through MY stuff so we are even" kind of BS thing.
So I would SIT down with him and EXPLAIN WHY you feel violated and betrayed. IF he wants to know what's UP in your life, he can FRIGGING ask you! And if he trusts you with ALL his life and ya-da-ya-da there was NO reason for him to REACTIVATE and go through your FB - those are NOT the actions of someone who is FULL of trust. IS it?
So after you have the chat, change your PASSWORDS (all of them) and don't give them to him until he has given you an EXPLANATION you are satisfied with (IF at all). I think He has LOSt some of YOUR trust in him and THAT is something HE needs to figure out how to rebuild.
But don't let this fester. TALK it out.
Is he secretly paranoid? Or jealous? I don't think either. I think me may have felt the excuse to deactivate your FB had more to it than what you said. Old photos from the past can be removed and deleted so shouldn't really be the reason to deactivate an FB (if you otherwise use it).
However, you won't know till you talk this over.
And no, OP I don't think you are overreacting.
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