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I feel as if my husband doesn't love me any more...

Tagged as: Faded love, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 June 2007) 63 Answers - (Newest, 2 February 2013)
A female Ireland age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been married for nearly 4 years and in Feb this year i fell and broke my foot and it has took til june for it to repair, All this time my husband and i have been under stress with money etc, as i can go back to my job until it is fixed. Anyways i feel like my hubby is not in love with me anymore because

1) he never holds me close at any time.

2) Only tells me he loves me when he is leaving for work and sometimes on the phone.

3) We never make love anymore, its just get into bed and goodnight and sleep.

4) He never talks to me about anything, when he is home from work all he wants to do is watch tv or play rome war games on the pc.

I have asked him if he is having an affair and he tells me no, he also says that now i have made him hard towards me because i keep asking but all the facts seem to be there for me to read.

He says that he is just stressed and worried but i don't understand how i seem to be the one left in the cold.

Please someone help me, i really love him and he is my soulmate but i am frightened that he is slipping away.

View related questions: affair, money, soulmate

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013):

I have to say this, I have been going through these same feeling with my man. It sounds like you have become to dependable. Once you become that your no longer fun we become boring to them. Just as a chair, we sit down without worrying about it breaking, because it is dependable. But if the legs were weak we would check first before we sat. They just don't even notice. The more they can depend on us, the less they pay us attention it seems. I wish mine would realize what he has before i'm gone. Good luck and god bless.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2012):

I'm in a lonely marriage and have been reading other ladies post but the most aggravating parts I see is facts that some people seem to think that the poor men have all the stress!

Well that's crap!!

Any good therapist worth his salt will tell you that you HAVE to have communication. Makes sense.

Problem here is there isn't none. I HAVE tried and tried till I'm blue in the face. Yea, I hear "I love you" a lot, but that's the extent of it. He talks more to me when he's got the time of course from work then he does when he's home.

I NEVER get to finish what I'm talking about that he doesn't have something else to do. Up and off he goes. If I was bitching I could understand but I can be talking about something on the news and I'm always still talking while he's walking off! This is a lonely life!! When he's in the house he's in the bedroom on the computer, watching tv or sleep. Yea, I've gone in there to talk to him and he's turned up the tv or gone to sleep or said he was trying to hear what's on tv.

If I try to carry on a conversation I have to literally follow him around. He never wants to go anywhere with me. He does everything alone or he's going riding (harley rider) with somebody. Have I ever met any of these people hes rode with? Nope. Odd, huh?

Funny how he likes to keep checks on where I'm at or with or doing. Never got nothing good to say just mainly sarcasm, but he calls it playing. The man doesn't know how to play. I have had my entire family say they would not want my type of marriage. Were roommates with a marriage certificate. Somebody mentioned oral sex. With this type of life I can't say I really wanta go suck this mans d..k! I've lost the desire to "make love" with him. I get some hugs, and a peck on the lips and love you's but theres more to a marriage then that. I spend more time out with my grown children then I do him. Why? Because I don't want to go alone. I've asked him to go out just the two of us, but it's always some kind of excuse. Usually it's he don't feel good.

He's done doing everything he wants to do of course, but when it comes to go going out, he dont feel good. I see couples everywhere I go together. I don't have that. I don't feel right cheating since I'm not that type. I will say this to the ladies who think that cooking nice dinners, keeping a spotless house etc will win their men over, it don't work and if you think about it it's crazy!

Are you his wife or housekeeper and slave. Do you think he thinks that way? If he did, then he would fix dinner, clean house for you!! I give up. He just walked by and said his usual "hey baby". Big thrill. Hard to love somebody (I must be a idiot for loving him, though sometimes I don't) when you can feel you life sucks. I've seen him tear up when I said maybe we should split. I've talked a million times about what we could do for each other.

Does anything change? No. After a while you don't expect it to. I want my old life back. Single, nice job, decent apartment!!!!

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A female reader, blondie49 United Kingdom +, writes (13 September 2011):

blondie49 agony aunthello im blondie im pleased to meet you hun im so sorry you feel thec way you do but i can say one thing to you i no haw you feel that was ny life for years untill i said no more no man has the right to make yolu feel that way there is only so mush you can put it to this it take to to make a marrige work if it is just one of you it will not work has for my husband iwell he whould not own up to cheating so i went along with him till one day my front door noked and it was the outher women im not saying your husband is cheating but its something for you to think aboutgood luck

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A female reader, almostperfect Philippines +, writes (29 January 2011):

I am married for almost 5 years with a 2 year old son. We experienced up and downs in life but we still remain calm and keep supporting each other. I do all the chores, cook good foods, taking care of our son and everything but I still maintain to be sweet to my husband and make love every night. First Tip, We have to consider that our man had greater sex desires than us women. Anyway , both will be happy and enjoy. I know it's hard to do this due to tiredness but this would help save your marriage and it feels like you have honeymoon everynight. Second Tip, do some hiking every weekend. It would keep your bonding and more chance to share each other. Or do some walkings before or after dinner. We do this as our exercise everyday, I always tell to my husband that we need to be healthy for each other and for our kids. Third tip, try to maintain your figure by doing exercise at home or by dancing. Men would love to have a sexy and pretty in and out wife. Fourth Tip, go out for dinner with some close couple friends that are open minded and talk about funny things or even wild things. Man wants also to laugh and share with other friends sometimes aside from

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010):

I really just posted the question in google to see if I am the exception and not the rule. I see tht I am not, but that there are plenty of women who feel they are neglected by their husbands. I am 67 years old and have only been married to my present husband for five years. We met on the internet, and besides talking daily on the phone, and many test messages and multiple emails in the course of a year. We managed to get together twice in a year. Ilived in TN and he lived in TX. He sent emails that would have made any woman swoon, knowing she was an object of his love and devotion. Once married though, the sweet man I had been communicating with for a year, slowing became uninterested in talking or listening to me. I will fast forward. We now in 2010 sleep in separate bedrooms, our day consist of both of us working, me making a meal, answering some emails, watching some TV usually by myself. He gives me 10 minutes of his time when he comes home. Period. Thats it. He heads for his computer, where he stays till and if he decides to watch some tv, by tht time I've gone to bed. Next day we repeat this glorious routine. I can hardly remember the last time I had any affection from him. He shows much more attention to our dog and cat, than to me.

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A female reader, out of reach Philippines +, writes (8 July 2010):

I''ve been married for 14 years, and having this feeling that my husband doesn't love me since two years after our marriage in 1996 is the worst battle I am going through. I guess the only reason why we're still together is our children. I know that my husband is suffering as much as I do.

Year 2005 he left us for another girl, he said that he really love this girl more than he loves me, it was like a nightmare but then I realized that what he said clearly justified I was right all along... He really doesn't love me. I wanted him to be happy and I wanted to have a peace of mind, so I decided to let him go..

After a few months their relationship did not work out which left him no choice but to come back to me. He said he was sorry and that he was wrong. I chose to accept him knowing that I will always be his second choice, hoping that he learned from his mistake, he would realize I am worth loving and things will be better the second time around.

I was wrong... Nothing has changed. I know he still loves her and I can't do anything about it. My nightmare now becomes my reality.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010):

I really do not understand how these men can be so callous to the person they are supposed to love. My husband seems to be very unhappy also. It is to the point that I cannot take it anymore. I am pregnant, about 1 week from due, and a few days I had contractions so bad I thought for sure I was going to go to the hospital. And the whole time I am contracting and feeling like crap, he is playing World of Warcraft. In fact, that is what he does from about 5 min after he gets home everyday, til bed. Then he always falls asleep on the couch or in the computer room. He seems totally unhappy and disinterested with me, and when I try to talk to him about it, he gets pissed and says alot of hurtful things, which at this point in my pregnancy with hormones and feelings of being unattractive as well as anxieties, just gets me crying so hard, and so long I can't even sleep. But, he goes to sleep and sleeps like a baby, while I stay up trying to gain control of my emotions. I feel so alone. I am sure he either simply does not love me, or there is someone else. I feel like I am about the equivalent to a bookshelf to him and he could care less if I am here or not, as long as I do not have any "feelings" he has to deal with or talk about. I used to see in his eyes that he loved me and he used to be so caring and always held me close when we were out or I was upset, now when we go out (which is usually to the grocery store we never go anywhere to have fun or spend time just him and me anymore) he is always 5 ft in front of me and when I am upset he just gets mad, and I get more upset, and he gets more mad, to the point I am almost crying uncontrollably, I can't believe the things he says to me, it is like he hates everything about me. I feel like I do not know him anymore, yet we were so close and happy before, and until this started I thought we still were. But I do not want to make anyone unhappy or be with someone who does not want to be with me, so I think maybe our relationship is ending and I will be on my own with my 2.5yr old and my newborn. Wish me luck. I guess nothing does last forever.

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A female reader, anonymous101 United States +, writes (14 June 2010):

My advice to women that have their husbands behaving like you don't exist: CHEAT. As many times as you get a chance, and no matter what, don't tell him. That will make you feel loved and wanted. hahaha

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A female reader, tuyanaa United States +, writes (10 June 2010):

I am same way like all you ladies

My stupid husbans and i married for4 years since o know him has been changed his friends and his job 7 time last 3 and half years and of course he doesn't care about me my place at all...

I feel sad anxies tried as much i can

he tells everything to his mom his family doesn't know how he messing up his life

and they are in his side

stupid bull i desided to cheat on him to get myself again i am done with him i am sure he will never could get someone like me,,

that is gonna be his fault

i cook,clean house want to work trying to save his money

supporting him

now he staying home most of the time that is freeking me out when i try talk to him he says he doesn't know

wheniyell at him it is my fault

i don't need him no more

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010):

Dear poster from (29 March 2010) who is married to the perfectionist:

My husband is exactly the same way! We've been together for 13 years. He is so critical if things are not perfect around the house, if I do 10 things before he gets home, he will find the 11th thing that I didn't get around to, to be mad about. He is so critical of my body, but when I call him on it he says things like "I wasn't saying that to be mean, I just thought you'd want to know".

You ought to take a look at some websites about passive aggressive/narcissistic

men. They don't change. My husband even goes to therapy, but then acts exactly the same at home, it's all for show, so he will look like the nice guy. Being married to someone like this is awful and lonely.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010):

Found this site quite refreshing and it helped me understand WHY I am feeling sad and alone.

My husband ONLY pays attention to me when I am mad at him, withdrawn, or distance myself from him. He'll ask only once if I am mad at him, then just accept that we don't talk for weeks. Talking doesn't help, no matter when.

Whenever I have chatted with him, he never gives me eye contact (he expects eye contact from me when he is talking), ignores me, never takes me serious, no hugs, no "I love you", no terms of endearment, and sex??? What is sex? I forget!

Sex is maybe once a month...but, I feel like I am starving for affection and attention...I get crumbs. We sleep in different rooms anyways.

There's only so much you can take in a marriage before you break down and cry everyday. I often wonder WHY he even got married, if he seems to like being alone.

I would rather be alone, than be married and lonely.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010):

I came to this site seeking help for a problem that I was only just considering. I was not expecting to hear dozens of other women speaking about very serious issues. Many of the posts I read alarm me. Please seek counseling if your husband is being mentally or physically abusive. I actually feel better about my marriage after reading these posts and that is sad to me.

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A female reader, Bettys18 United States +, writes (2 May 2010):

I'm having the same problem. I cry almost everyday and when I try to tell my husband that I feel sad and unloved he just tells me that I'm being a bitch and too emotional and that we only do what I want to do. We've only been married a year and things started changing between us right before we got married. He wanted to play his games online and on the playstation more than what he even wanted to talk to me. We fought a lot and I wanted to call off the wedding but gifts had been sent and invitations were out. I just couldn't do that to my parents. We would fight so hard that he broke doors with his fists if I would try to leave. I just thought things would change when we got married. Things DIDN'T. I will admit...I do say things that will hurt deep when I'm mad. I provoke things I know. One day I went to far and he beat me pretty hard. Of course I took him back and he hasn't done anything since then and that was about 8 months ago...but I don't think he loves me. I've tried to be good. Tried not to set him off...I just want to feel needed. He doesn't plan anything. I had to plan our 1 year anniversary because I think gaming is much more important. And when I planned that I didn't get the right hotel and I sprained my ankle that week so walking far was hard. I was just a failure. I just wished he loved me the way he used to. When I first met him he was crazy about me. I was dating someone else at the time and he wanted me so bad. He would do anything to have me over. He was my neighbor, so he would cook and invite me over with everyone else. I could tell he loved me by the look in his eyes...so could my parents when he asked to have my hand in marriage. He was such the gentleman...always thinking about me. Now I have to ask him to brush his teeth...He went 5 days before I asked him yesterday!!!! He wants nothing to do with me, but yet I have to be accountable for where I'm at all times. I don't know what to do! After writing all of this I'm amazed at how awful he sounds, but yet I love him and don't want to be another statistic with divorces. Men suck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010):

hi I'm be married for 2 years and my husband something thing ...

i feel sad next to him ...i feel so down...before i get married im modeling ...i have my baby Oct 21 09 and my baby destroy my body is now destroy and i feel sad, ugly,and my husband its not the same ...he change allot ...and its make me so sad,i be cry almost everyday off my life....

he leave to work give me kiss, and say i love you ..and when when talk on phone he say love you ...

but when he get home from work he does not speak much to me...

i feel he not LOVE ME NO MORE =( BUT HE NOT WANT SAY ...I FEEL SO ALONE, i have my baby boy but i want my husband attention i talk to him , and he say he not going to change he like that ...he no like when i start talk...

i dont'T KNOW WHATS GOING TO DO

PLEASE HELP

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2010):

my husband is the same,, the main thing you can feel is confident you know you have done your best, you are not his employee, men appreciate a confident woman, i really do understand you problem.

you do need someone to talk to otherwise men have a way of making thing seem your fault, if you share with someone who knows you well and who you can trust they will tell you that its not you, and all you need is to be sure of yourself if things do go wrong and you are not perfect, just take it on the chin you didnt take a qualificatioon in being a wife and you are allowed to make mistakes good luck and love yourself.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2010):

My husband is a perfectionist and I feel I have to earn his love by being the "perfect" wife which is btw impossible. If I don't act or do things a certain way, he punishes me by shunning me sometimes for weeks. He's admitted to this. After 5 1/2 years of marriage it has truly take a huge toll on me and lonely has become the best word to describe me. When I do things right, he's so great but the roller coaster ride is killing my soul. People tell me we make the perfect couple because he puts on a show in front of them. Out of respect for our relationship I tell them nothing. I tell no one what really goes on behind closed doors. Confronting him only makes it worse. I really feel he plays serious head games to confuse me and makes excuses to sabotage our relationship and not let anyone in. I don't feel he would cheat but cheating is not just a physical relationship. If he's not talking to me...then who?

We've gone to counseling, but he feels that fixing "us" means fixing "me". He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong.

At a total loss....Need some advice....

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A female reader, IcyCol United States +, writes (28 March 2010):

Girls, I just need to say YOUR ALL BONKERS! They are men...men are not women nor will they ever be. Do NOT expect your man to notice all the little things you do when hes not around, because it just won't happen. Out of sight, out of mind is the mantra when it comes to them. Now, I'm not saying that your man is out there cheating, but why not try this: Do Not clean the house until he's home, show him all the countless things you do that fill your day. Do Not feed him dinner unless your hungry, if he asks tell him you'll make dinner in a while when you finally have some time to do so. Do NOT have it waiting for him. If its there every day, whats to make him appreciate it? Do NOT put out for him regardless of your mood, wait until your actually feeling amorous, all that jive about women needing time to warm up? NONSENSE! We get horny just like they do except that we're expected to put out at once, why? Because that's what we've been taught. Regardless of the fact that we're all supposed to be equals, its still a process that hasn't been perfected. Men still see us as the homemakers and the moms and cooks and maids. Take all that away and you have the woman at heart. It's time for us women to stop beating ourselves up over what the men think, and do things for ourselves. If you feel like doing some laundry go ahead and do it, if not...then don't. If he doesn't like it...well he knows where the washer and dryer are I'm sure. Now the funny part is if he brings up the fact that it's not done. Turn around, plaster a smile to your face and say "Gee dear, I didn't think you noticed something like that," and walk away and busy urself with something else. Men are dumb, deaf, and mute unless you force them to do something else. And to all the women who complain about their men coming home and just watching tv? When he walks in the door, plop your ass on the couch and watch something you want, if he says anything just smile and say "O sry dear, I finally just got a minute to relax, I'll be with you in a bit." YOU ARE NOT THERE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM, YOU ARE A PARTNER IN HIS LIFE, NOT A MAID, NOT A COOK, AND NOT A SEX SLAVE. YOU ARE NOT HIS MOTHER, DO NOT BABY HIM. HE HAS ARMS, LEGS AND A BRAIN AND HE SURE AS HECK CAN TAKE CARE OF SOME STUFF ON HIS OWN. Number one rule, live for yourself, don't worry about making someone happy, you can only make yourself happy, that is each persons job to themselves. Don't expect to wake up one morning and life to be blissful, take your pleasures where you find them and try to smile at least ten times a day and laugh 3 times :) This is a recipe for life, love and fun. And for all the moms out there, if your husbands ignoring you...ignore him in turn an eye for an eye ladies, men will take advantage of your nature if you let them.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010):

... This is how I feel, and I looked it up and I am shocked that so many have written about this.

I feel like my husband dosent love me because he dosent hold me for those extra 5 seconds, he just comes home from work and expects everything to be ready and waiting for him. We have been blessed with a daughter and I feel like I have all the responsibility. What happened I was this super sexy woman who was paid to go to clubs, who had people chasing me left right and center to end up being this mans slave.

That was how I felt before I came to this site, but reading some of these opnions and testiomanials I am reminded that these are sensationalist claims, extreme to say the least.

It is wrong for someone else to tell you to give up on your marriage, or say that its not worth it

I decided to marry my husband because our baby died, I had a miscarriage and my hubby was there for me he was scared for me... He held my hand and showed me support... In that momment he was the best man that he could be. That is why I walked down the aisle, not because of a ring or a fancy wedding but because of his heart and dedication to me.

In the hard times these memories are sometimes lost, the real reasons why we love someone.

I am currently going through post partum depression and i was yelling and screaming at my husband and he took it all.. he helped me get help he helped me to face my fear

he takes me to the dentist to fill my cativities and i tell him off the whole time but hes there and he does that for me

He lets me basically sit around all day, and Ill tell him im not in the mood for cooking and hell take me out

he has no idea how to be romantic but he knows valentines is roses and dinner

............all of this and i feel like he dosent love me

We dont have passionate sex everynight, but when we do I love it it happens like once a month or two..

Honestly I have no idea what lies in my husbands heart and neither do any of you other women

did you stop to think that they feel unappreciated?

I told my husband that I feel invisable and you know what he told me that he does too...

no one said that a marriage was easy... someone here said something about us women having a voice... That comment made me angry because letting things slide and giving oral sex to ur husband isnt losing your voice its surviving a relaionship...

if my husband gave me shit for all the things i did wrong or could have done better Id really be deaf so guess what ladies we are messed up flawed and broken

its okay to not complain about something even though its getting on ur nerves..

HAVE FUN stop worrying about everything have a momment do something so stupid and laugh its the best medicine

go laugh right now try it go draw a mustache on your face and pretend to be a french man in your mirror and laugh hey if your brave enough go up to your husband and show him

forget sexy

forget smart

forget riches

and everything else and just LAUGH!!

i love you all, you are all appreciated by someone and I wish that I could have a one on one with you. Remember I feel as unloved as u do but I am trying to change my perspective

if you ever want to talk you can email me more than happy to listen to you

[email address blocked]

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010):

I am having the same trouble with mine, but, add a couple of things #1 we can't have a baby 2# My husband has psoriatic arthritis, but, anyway. We have been married over 20 years and he acts like he hates me! Yesterday, I was telling him (in the car, so he would listen) that my pain was so severe (from not being able to have a baby to him not even showing he cares for me) that I have prayed to God that if I were in an accident, that I would just die. My husband hardly said a word except he said "Well, you don't want to live mangled". I totally understood what he was talking about, but couldn't there be a "I love you and sorry we can't have a baby and don't want anything to happen to you?" I am already on 20mg of prozac and 200mg of Welbutrin.

By the way guys and girls who think guys will change and listen to us, if he already don't want sex from his wife and perhaps would rather satify himself on the internet with no concern for us wives, talking, begging, wineing and dining them DOES NOT WORK!

Everyone seems to forget that men are not the only ones who are under stress here and yet we still want our husband's and are concerned when they don't want us!

Sorry to be so blunt, but, I am fed up with it! Talking, yada, yada, yada doesn't work. Believe me, I have tried everything anyone could ever suggest and he will not tell me what is wrong or why he don't want me. In fact when I tried to talk to him about it, he told me to shut up and "I could kill you!" (for bringing it up of course because heaven forbid I loved him and are concerned). So, no amount of sex that women are "supposed to bow down and give them is going to fix sex problems or any other problems.

If they are not going to talk and don't care already, nothing is going to help!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010):

I am in the same boat. My husband and I have only been married just over a month and 2 years together before we got married. He does not hold me anymore, only says I love you once in a great while. I no longer feel that love and I feel empty and alone. At times I feel like I should just find that elsewhere and I would be ok but I love him and I want this from him. He went from being so expressive to almost nothing but he does not seem to care. He won't even try.. I am lost and don't know how to handle this. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I wish I would of never married...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010):

Have you ever thought that your husband is under stress? i appreciate you must be, but at the moment its your husband having to try to keep the roof over your heads by working. you say he isnt interested in bed, make the first move, talk to him and ask him if he has any worries or concerned. In any good relationship its all about give and take, good and bad times. feeling lonely like this can often break the relationship up so please do domething about it before its to late.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010):

I would just like to YELL- wake up before it is too late!! My husband use to look at porn on the computer and our sex life was okay. I quit eating so I could look like those women, I thought that way he would want me not them. I became very ill but now I am okay but we have not been intimate for 4 years!! About 2 years ago I tried to get things going and his body could not respond!! That was it! I moved to the couch and I am still there and I think he does not really care. He says he loves me but it is my opinion that actions(or inactions) speak louder than words! He is just "playing" house and going thru the motions. He even had the nerve to say to me that he "made a promise to God" I say that God does not intend married people to live a "lie" just to keep up appearances. I am now just the housekeeper and cook. He goes to work and comes home and falls asleep in front of the TV(NEWS channels only) nightly!! I am not even fifty yet and feel as if my life is just passing me by. Am starting to wonder if all these years were just a lie. He got a home and some children to carry on his name so now he's done. Get out before you end up like me!!!!!! LONELY.EMPTY and HEARTBROKEN!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009):

So glad to know that I'm not alone. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and he recently told be that he has been hiding his unhappiness for years. WHAT? I am at a loss. We live in the same house but I feel like he's decided to seperate without telling me. He told me we would talk about it after the holidays.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009):

honey sometimes i feel the same way my husband acts different when his parents are around like one of his parent came down and said it was cold in here he adjust the temp but if i tell him i am cold he tells me to get under the blanket so yes i do understand and really i am at the point of telling him to go and fuck her stop fucking me im just that tired

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009):

Give it time honey, it's like that sometimes. Give him oral sex when he comes home from work one day and see if that works. I'm sure it will

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009):

I tried to get my husband to give me a backrub, he told me to have my physical therapist do it. wow.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009):

I find it so annoying that we have to play ridiculous games in order to be appreciated! When was the last time men sat around and talked about how to manipulate their wives, in order to feel loved?! It's soooo ridiculous! Don't get me wrong, I came to this site to find the answer, however it seems to be a no-win situation.

All this mind play, is the reason why many women have turned from nuturing to cold. I don't want to "pretend like I don't care", or ask less questions....it's taken long enough for women to gain their voice, so I don't think we should encourage each other to lose it. What will be next?! I may be wrong, and I may stay in a boring marriage for the rest of my life...but maybe I'll encourage my daughter to be a lesbian. Who knows...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009):

so im one of these husbands apparently. my wife sent me this page in an email while i was at work after my grandmothers funeral. to be straight forward ladies i do love my wife to death, however in my line of work im often stressed and need time to myself to process everything that happens from day to day to suppress ptsd. ptsd runs high in my level of work. having a normal family life is hard and we got married after she already knew this. so i play video games to help...its actually a known therapy. now we are having all these fights. but i have never left the house or let her leave the house without giving her a kiss and nobody has ever slept on the couch, we always sleep in the same bed. this just doesn't seem to be fair that she has posted me up with these guys when i try in my own way.

And yes our sex life hasn't been the best lately. and yes its partially my fault. im not at home very often. i work 24 hour shifts 3 days a week. and when i get home im usually dead tired. i never really want her to know what happens on my job because i think it would freak her out. so yes i do this that require little activity and not a lot of stress but im awake and around for the family. My wife always accuses, never asks, me of cheating. to be honest, since we got together 2 years ago i can't even look at another woman like i see my wife. the fact is she glows all the time. this is very unfair

ladies please understand men do things like me not to hurt anyone or to try to ignore you but to protect you. we always have underlying reasons for our actions. im sorry if it doesn't make since. but you would have to walk in a a pair of a loving mans shoes before you can start in on us like this. this isn't true for everyone, but for me it is. and i hope my wife reads this so that she may understand better.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2009):

My husband and have known each other for 5 years, and we have been married for 1, lately it seems that all we can do is argue with each other about everything under the sun.

He is unable to say a single complimentary word and i find my self turning into a nasty tit-for tat type woman which was never me. he seems uninterested in anything that has to do with us.

He refuses to make conversation at all but finds loads to say to everyone else!

Recently I hurt my ankle and am unable to stand for long periods of time or move around a lot, the doctor asked me to stay off my feet for 2 weeks as this is the 2nd time its happened, and i feel that my husband resents the fact that he has to do all the household chores and the cooking, but its perfectly ok if i do all these things with a sprained ankle.... sometimes I just feel that I have made a terrible mistake getting married.

sometimes I wonder what's going to happen if we bring children into this equation.

the answer to all this , I havent a clue myself, talkign hasnt seem to help cos everyhting is good for a week and then it goes downhill till the next time i lose my temper

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009):

Hi,

I have just found this web site and can't believe that other woman are going through what I am going through. I have been married for almost 9 years and am pregnant with our fourth child. Before we had children I felt as if my husband would have done anything for me. Now he doesn't even want to sit next to me to watch t.v. I realised a month ago that my husband will only say I love you after I say it first. I have stopped saying it and so now I never hear those words from him. When we go to bed he just rolls over and goes to bed.

I have tried talking to him but that hasn't helped.

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A male reader, keitht03 United States +, writes (23 August 2009):

I see the option to post anonymously ,but I no longer have anything to hide. I was one of those husband that many of the women talk about here. I read every post here because I now realized my wife wasn't alone and I really was an asshole. To those that have a husband that spends more time on the computer than with you I have a solution. It's the same solution I told my wife to do if I ever fall into that life style again. "Smash the Screen" That's right break it into pieces, he'll know you mean business then. I wish my wife did that to me before cheating on me. She was right I wasn't paying attention to her. I spent way too much time on the computer and never realized how much she was hurting. I ignored her and made what I did online more important then anything she had to say. She was not the only victim though. She worked well over 60 hours a week and we worked opposite schedules. We were both working hard to save money. What were we saving for we had no idea, we just thought we needed to save. I never saw my wife for 3 1/2 yrs. Yeah we lived in the same house,but I never "saw" her. It was almost as though we were friends paying mortgage. She told me she had been cheating on me on March 29th, 2009 our 6th year anniversary. We grew so far apart that we both didn't realize the day she told me until after. I truly wish my wife went to the extreme to get my attention before cheating on me. Like any thick headed man I would have gotten the picture.

Things are much better now. We go to therapy and we listen to eachother. We are not only friends again,but best friends again. I am still in the proccess of forgiving her and thought it will always hurt what she did, eventually I will forgive her.

Just thought I would share my experience with you. My email is available if anyone needs to know more or wants someone to talk to.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2009):

I was on here looking for answers to my problems. Never in a million years did I think there were other women going through the same things I am. I always thought that it was the women who never "put out". My husband was Mr. Romantic. He played the piano and sang songs for me. Surprises every time I turned around. A romantic getaway, a card on the pillow, a candlelit bath, a bedroom lit with candles with music playing, you name it I had it. He was so in love with me, and I with him. I could tell just by looking in his eyes. He left for Iraq July 2007 and returned in Feb 2008. He always wrote me love letters and sent me cards, but when he returned something was missing. He was now a new person. This wasn't his first deployment to a war zone, so that had nothing to do with it. But now... I'm lucky if I get a sticky note saying he went to the store. As far as intimacy goes, it's gone. We just had another child. For the first one, he always made me feel so loved and so pretty. With this one, he made me feel like I was the ugliest thing on the block. I'm at a loss, I want my husband back. I've tried talking to him, but nothing every come from it. I've tried backing off and just being friends, but I really want more. I really think down deep he still loves me, but the spark, romance and intimacy is definitely gone. I hope some of you got the love back, and if you have any suggestions I'm listening. Thanks.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009):

i hate him.

he hates my family.

*today I saw a strange hug another strange because they were in pain - he has never hugged me like that before.

he's emotionally unavailable.

he makes me hate myself for loving him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009):

so good to know I am not alone

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009):

Honestly, I think this is very typical in all marriages. There comes a point in the relationship which it just stops and one spouse takes it for granted and is bored, but still they still love each other. It seems like in the beginning of the relationship one person loves the other more or is the same one who has problems later with getting affection and closeness. Men are complicated they want it all the hot wife, good mom, good cook, positive attitude, great in bed, and constantly caring to the husband. But come on this is out of control no one can do that. Men need to get rid of the fantasies and love their wife. All we want is to have someone show they care, by just a few things. Kissing, Hugs, and listen= sex and happiness for the husaband.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009):

this is a very common problem seen in couples. All i can say is that he is losing interest and joy in a relationship .Just try to pep him up and dont ask any questions which might upset him or doubt his integrity. Take interest in his activities , plan few dates with him for him . Always welcome him home with a smile and see him off in morning with a smile . See if this works.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009):

I understand, I have been out of work since sept of last year due to a complicated pregnancy. I continue to have problems and see my husband has distanced himself from me. He hardly ever talks to me, he speaks to his friends and laughs and jokes and with me nothing. I never felt so alone. I just want him to love me. He doesn't touch me. I feel like we are just roomates. I don't know what to do. I hope everything works out for you.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009):

I have been married for 14 years. I'm a very affectionate man who feels love through words of encouragement and physical touch. My wife feels it more from acts of service. I have been working my Ass of to serve her and communicate my needs, but it has come to the point that she says she has no desire for me sexually. She will be with me sexiallly and I appreciate it, and I can bring her to climax, but she really has no desire for me and has told me so. She views sex with me like doing laundry, something to check off the list. I'm taking her flowers, going on dates, texting her love messages, giving her girls nights out and all that.I am an attractive man and other women have told me this, but I will not cheat on my wife. I just want a hug, hand holding, some passion to be reciprocated my way. I feel she is just not into me anymore. I have a lot of love to give, but need a lot also.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009):

weve been married 30 years for the past 8 years hes been self employed thinks more of work collegues than me and the boys we have 4 . He never gives me money and i work to pay all our utility bills and to buy food HE pays a very small mortgage and as he says you have to spend money to make money so he feeds the car goes to work then waits up to 6 months to get any money back. Over the years i have got various credit cards to live on and now due to a reduction in working hours i cant meet all my commitments so i have had to enter a DMP and he doesnt give a damn. im so fed up i think id be better on my own.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009):

i'm a single lady who enjoy being single for now

not because its the best option but however you have to be very careful when it comes to using the right partner for you self. at the end of the day you want someone that will have you feel good, like you for who you are and just respect you. i'm sorry if you are feeling like this in you relationship then i must say that you need to sit him down because that is very unacceptable. Also you will need to be certain and be truthful to your self woman.... DO YOU THINK HIS WORTH YOU. coz i'm sorry, a lots of dude out there dont know the defination of LOVE. this is very sad that we fall into lust but think we love. anways i believe that communication is one of the key in terms of having a perfect relationship so yeah sit him down and talk to him. if his not interested and dont seems to care then i would advice you to let him go. life aint that hard. someone better would always come your way.

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A female reader, beth0029 United States +, writes (30 March 2009):

wow i'm not alone! i've been married for almost 10 years .belive me the love is gone .no sex except when he's in the mood .i try to talk to him but i'm always the bitch .every thing i do is so wrong . icook clean and take care of the kids and house. but it's never enough idon'tknow if i should stay or leave .i still love him but it's just not enough any advice

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A female reader, renee09 United States +, writes (22 February 2009):

renee09 agony auntI can really understand where your coming from.I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years.He use to tell me how much he loved me,and how he didn't want anybody else but me.I thought he was my soul mate.He came in during a tough time in my life when me and my son was struggling after his dad walked out on us.So when he came along and told us everything would be alright.I believed him,but I soon found out he was just telling me what he wanted me to hear.I thought I was going to marry this man.But soon after we had our daughter,he started treating me different.He never talks to me anymore unless he is leaving for work and that's when he tells me he loves me,and that's the only time he tells me he loves me.When he's not at work he watches tv all day,or he sleeps,or he's acting like he's busy.I don't feel very pretty anymore,because acts as if he doesn't notice me.He gets mad and calls me names for trying to let him know I'm hurting.He also moves out every time we as he would say "argue".He has moved out over 500 times in ten years.I feel so stupid.I keep letting him back but lately I just don't care.Even though I'm scared as to how this is going to effect my daughter if I do leave.I'm even more afraid at how this is going to effect my son.Because I don't want him to think that this(leave) is what a man is suppose to do everytime he feels things are to tough.Yet I don't want my kids to think that by me staying that its ok to let someone treat them like this.

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A female reader, Lonely247 United States +, writes (29 January 2009):

I am in the same boat as all of you. I have been with my husband since we were I was 15 and he was 17(I'm 24 now and he is 26). We have been married for 3 of those years. We used to be intimate all the time. Now the only time we have sex is if he is drunk. He says if I want to have sex then I should give him oral first. That's the only time he wants to touch me. I am always the one to say I love you to him followed by a muddled LOVE YOU TOO after. I send him texts throughout the day but dont hear back from him. His friends send him texts and he responds immediately. He comes home from work and says hi to the dogs, hugs and kisses them. It takes about 35 minutes before he says anything to me. We go to bed... and he rolls over, puts a pillow on his face and goes to sleep. I miss not having any kind of emotional connection. He used to have me bring him dinner when he would have an all night shift. Now he doesnt want me to come anymore. I feel like I am just there to do laundry and watch TV with. I just... dont feel wanted or needed. I havent felt desired since we first started dating years ago. I figure... he will never change so I have to deal with the cards I've been dealt. Hope everything changed and worked out for you.

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A female reader, Ms. Rosie United States +, writes (17 November 2008):

I think your husband is a rude, disrespectful person to treat you in this manner!! If possible, kick him out for a while, or go back to Mom....make him think about the way he is treating you, and let him know you deserve better and you will not stand for any less!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008):

I am going through a similar time with my wife. I feel she has left me, I don't get any attention, a hug, a "I love you" I am always asking or initiating those things, I am always trying to make conversation but I am tired now. I am worn down with the disinterest and the lies. She talks on the phone everynight so much to her friends yet not one word to me unless i ask something or talk to her. NO sex for ages doesn't help either, i feel rejected and i feel that we are just two people sharing a house for the sake of it, i really don't know what to do, i agree with an earlier response that u cant force someone to love you. I know she used to love me, we have been together 7 years now, it is hard, it is empty and lonely and i am really stuck. I feel like why should i always make the effort, i don't get anything from her and she is always so boyant and friendly with others, arranges to go out until late at night, hardly calls to let me know where she is...i hate my life at the moment.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008):

Ladies, ladies, use a little imagination!

Just a few ideas:

Switch the electricity off and treat him with a candlelit dinner.

Tell him you are so sexually starved, you consider hiring a toyboy.

When in need of affection or a hug, ask him: "what must I do to get a hug"?

If he is watching tv in the room, surprise him with a porn video.

Use some pain in your back as an excuse and ask him to rub your back with cream.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008):

I FEEL A LOT BETTER NOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WAS !

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008):

don't worry trust god your marriage is a covenant between you,your husband and god I garantee if you pray about your marriage and believe god he will fix any problem you may be facing you just keep being the model wife that god ordained you to be and watch him move in your life. remember prayers are useless without faith.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008):

I was horrified to read that one of the people replying to your question suggested that if you had put weight on you should lose it quickly! Listen girl, it sounds to me like you are not happy. The answer? Life is too frigging short to worry abour someone who is not showing you the love, care and attention that you need! Get out of it - get out there and have some fun!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008):

It could have been me typing the original post. Ya know, I read all these posts about "oh he's stressed, oh he needs space, oh he needs this and that and and and... tell me... WHEN are the men supposed to GROW UP and take responsibility for their wives?? I don't mean financial. I mean emotional. It's part of the job!!! I am a mother of a two year old. I don't get to sit around and mope if I am sad. NOPE. I have to continue being a mom. Like right now for instance, I am sad, mad, hurt, confused, tired of my marriage the way it is now... and I am typing this post looking for answers. At the same time, I am playing ball and giggline with my girl. But my husband?? When HE's in a mood?? He gets to mope. He doesn't have to play ball. He doesn't have to be a dad. He doesn't have to be a loving husband. He just gets to sit in front of the TV, playing video games or surfing on the computer. WHATEVER!! I am tired of hearing all the excuses as to why we have to treat the man like such a delicate flower. THAT's BULLCRAP!! OH, did I mention that I also work full time, standing on my feet 9 hours a day, 5 days a week and I can still manage to come home to my husband and want/need a hug. After he's walked passed me 16 times and ignored me, I finally break down and ask for my hug. And a sex life?? What's that?? I am always the one asking for sex. He turns me down. OH, and don't even try to mention my "hounding him" I only ask about once every 2 months so I don't have the guilt of bothering him with it. He NEVER askes for sex. And his job?? Ain't NEARLY the stress of mine and our finances are just fine. So... you tell me?? Where do ~I~ go from here?? I don't think he's cheating. I just don't think he' cares. I've told him, talked to him, backed off, got close, turned the TV off, left the house... what else is there??? When do I give up?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008):

I would say to both of you ladies. ''good riddens'' We should all three start another 'sex in the city' show . I'm with both of you on this, something I've noticed that helps, is when you go out and do things on your own. treat them like you are being treated...

I got rid of the computer and TV for a bit. It worked really well. It was amazing. Old habits die hard though so here I am sitting in front of the TV on the computer... but it might work for you too, just try it once. Call the cable and disconnect it, and take the computer and put it in the closet. (Still respecting his hard work so make sure to save all his games if he has them up )

But I bet, going like that when there aren't any distractions you will be happier.

Best of luck ladies!!!!

Xo

A

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008):

i know how you feel.....im going through a similar thing right now. i was just writing in a journal every time i broke down and cried because every time i did that and tried to talk to him i got the "why are acting like this" trip. so i started letting it out in a journal. i had been feeling more and more depressed and unwanted and neglected, i lost some weight (im not really overweight to start with) tried to be nice, let him play on the computer as much as i could bare,but still no change. finally one day after a big fight, i told him i just give up. im not going to keep trying to get his attention, because im sure there are men out there that would love and appreciate and not take me for granted. i ave him the journal and left for the day with the kids. i got texts soon after with him saying sorry and he didnt know i felt that way....thought things were getting better, untill today. is back to normal, and i told him i wanted to talk tonight, all i got was an attempt to have sex and when i turned him down because he had promised to talk to me tonight, he went to bed. so here i am, having to vent on my own again. i dont exactly know what to do, im trying everything i can to please him and get his attention, and im getting so tired of working so hard just to get an "i love you so much" and for him to pull away from the computer for awhile to say im more important......so if you find something that works, let me know! but in the meantime, maybe the writing how you feel for while then giving it to him to read will work for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008):

Man do I hear ya! I am going through the same stuff. I have asked God to bring him back. Let me tell you what my mother told me...She said, Laney, you don't want someone, that don't love you. You can't make someone love you. Maybe you two need to spice stuff up a little. Keep in touch. Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008):

i feel the same way with my husband we been married for 7 years, he not interested in sex anymore when he was extremly inrterested in it when we married, he spends all his spare time on comp and never listens to me, he tells me he loves me but doesn't act like it, hope things work out for you :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008):

im going thru the same thing im sorry

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2008):

I actually found your post as I was trying to figure out my wife's issue and mine. I've been married nearly 5 years and we have a 4 year old daughter. We are less affectionate and intimate than we use to be, and I disconnect some just watching TV when I come home and going to bed. I'm typically exhausted after working full-time and doing extra work for the church or side jobs to make additional money. My wife works part time, and is typically tired and hates her job. We are trying to pay down bills so she can quit. I don't know if your husbands issues are the same, but in my relationship I feel really stressed and sometimes unloved or disrespected. I try to initiate affection with my wife and she does not respond. Sometimes she initiates with me and I don't respond. I think it really will take some persistance on your part (since you can only control you) to reengage your husband in the relationship. I always appreciate when my wife treats me consistently with respect and/or tries to do something for me, like cook dinner (I like good food, and my wife doesn't cook often,) or if she just comes up and hugs me after I come home from work. Additionally if you can lower the stress on your husband anyway that would be helpful. My wife could do so for me by simply lowering her expectations for our life that place additional burden on me (I want a new house, new car, I wish I could buy that TV, Camera, Clothes, etc...) as all of those comments just remind me of the difficulty we have to buy everything we both desire and I feel that everything my wife can't buy that she wants, she is placing the guild directly on my shoulders. I don't know if I answered more or questioned more but I gave you one man's perspective

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2008):

My husband is jekyll/hyde...mr. cool/fun around everyone else, cold and mean to me....is wife. I have suggested couseling. He flat out said he will not go. He is disrespectful to me, rude, and laughs if I ask for an apology, always saying that I owe him one "first", when i haven't done anything. I want a divorce, he refuses to consider counseling, I have asked multiple times

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007):

Your body tells a lot. If you added soem weight to you, this might be a reason for him to act cold to you. Also you might want to be a little cold too to him and act like you dont care too much. If you really put some weight on you, a good advise is to start exercise ASAP. Make sure that all the time you are smiling around him, be happy to him and have an positive attitude. Look in his bag see what he has there. Smell his clothes. If possible go to his work place and see who he is associating with. Talk to him about things.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007):

I hate him

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2007):

I think that he is just stressed, just as he stated. Believe me, it doesn't sound like there is much to worry about. Your husband is probably worried about how to pay the bills, I don't think he loves you any less because you hurt yourself. Once things are back to normal, you will probably find that he is his old self again. Give him some time.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thamx very much for your help it a real god send to know that i am not the only 1 to have problems.

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A female reader, spirited United States +, writes (8 June 2007):

Seems like you have a man similar to mine... whenever there is a problem... it consumes ALL of him. He seems like the kind of person who can't set problems aside, and when he tries... it's by disconnecting from everyone and everything. Accusing him of infidelity is only going to add to the distance. He probably feels as if he is trying to make ends meet and in spite of it all, you think he's cheating on you. Most likely, he isn't. You just feel out of touch with him, and it worries you. He doesn't hold you or talk to you b/c he feels as if there is nothing in him to feel good, and he probably doesn't want to be around you to make you feel worse. And you are probably like me, the "i-don't-care-how-bad-it-is" type. The solution here is a little compromise from both parts. You can't expect him to be so forthgiving, he feels as if he has nothing good to give. And he needs to lighten up. So... give him something to lighten up about. I know how it is to be tight on cash, I'm going through a similar situation right now. Talk about happier things, when your mood changes, his will SLOWLY come around. Don't expect an instant reversal.

This is just a little game on how to turn him around. That's all it is, the clash of the moods. He's worried and distant, and you're needing him... which feeds the vicious cycle. Break that, and you two will be much better off.

Good luck!

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A reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (8 June 2007):

I Dont Lie agony auntRelationships do not only revolve around the feeling of love. It revolves around everything else that goes on in you and your partners lives. Understand that he might be stressed out about the fact that you both are strapped financially, also the fact that now his financial responsibilities towards to family has increased because of the loss of income from you. The pressure may be getting to him after all and its not unreasonable to react the way he does. Everything you've mentioned suggests to me that he is just stressed out, nothing to do with his love for you diminishing or anything of that sort.

You had a sit down one to one talk with him, which was the right thing to do, at that time. Once he refuses to open up, you have to start reading the signs. Pestering and smothering him is not going to give you any more answers than you already know, in fact, it might push him away even more, so be cautious on that one. The way to work around this is to support him support you. In other words, whilst he's having to bear the family burden temporarily (and taking care of you whilst your foot heals), you can show him that you really appreciate it. One way of doing that is not to pressure him into anything he doesnt feel like doing. I know you feel that talking will be the best solution out of this one, but believe you me, it doesnt always work in every situation, and sometimes, retracting ones stance is the best way about it.

When you have fully recovered and back at work, things should get back to the way they used to, if no or little damage is done now. Good luck.

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