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male
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anonymous
writes: I've been in a relationship for the past couple of months. Things have been pretty intense and we have a very good connection. We've talked about a long term future together - marriage, family, etc and I've enjoyed these conversations. My problem is that when it comes down to the crunch I feel afraid of making the final commitment to her. Knowing myself, I think its probably just a fear of taking that final step, but I'm not sure I really understand it myself. Any advice... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (31 July 2006):
 Yes, I'm as confused as Dazzerg. Do you mean the commitment of simply being in a long-term relationship, or marriage?
I'd say, whatever you're referring to, just let things play out. No one's standing by with a stopwatch, expecting you to make this move, or that statement and subtracting marks if you wait too long! Enjoy what you have with her, see where it leads. Gods, man. It's only been "a couple of months"; why so serious?
Although it can feel really wonderful to talk with someone you love about a distant future of marriage and babies, and growing old together, try to keep in mind that you have to have "downs" as well as "ups" with your partner, so that you can be sure you're really able to compromise, negotiate and deal with the inevitable disagreements that crop up.
What I'm saying is, you have to know that you can both "fight fair" and that means being together long enough to have had, and survived, several fights before you starting thinking that you're suited for a life together.
So don't feel backed into a corner, and don't do anything you're not yet feeling 100% sure of. Be yourself, enjoy what you have. When you feel comfortable and sure, it won't be a problem any more.
A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (31 July 2006):
 I am wondering what you mean by 'the final step' here, do you mean asking her to marry or saying you love her??? You are in a relationship; you have made a commitment. Its more than likely to early to marry or even think about it realistically so there is nothing wrong with being shy of that.
As for being in love with her and telling her then I think that is a different matter. Rather than let it be an issue id go with the flow and go with the moment your gut feels is right to tell her. Hope that helps.
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