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I expected my husband to be my best friend and partner but he isn't either

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 April 2015) 3 Answers - (Newest, 23 April 2015)
A female Canada age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I am a middle aged person who has been through 1 divorce, a 30+ year abusive marriage..now I am married for the 2nd time; I was not looking for marriage a second time, but after a couple of years I really thought he was totally different from husband 1. Actually, he is, as he is not physically abusive or mentally abusive. Yet, I believe we have a non-married marriage. His biggest focus is tequila and gardening. We have been married 4 years now. I did not realize he drank so much prior to our marriage, but it has escalated dramatically in a short time, from 1 bottle a week up to 3 bottles per week. He is a very highly functioning alcoholic. We were great friends, got married and then 3 months into the marriage, he had a minor heart attack and then the intimacy just Stopped! I don't mean it gradually went away, I mean it just Stopped. No hand holding, no kiss, no 'accidental' touching because he absolutely wanted distance. Ok, I thought, he is just nervous about the heart attack. But now, over 3 years later, he prefers to be left alone. I try to include him in my life and my work, but he asks me not to share 'work' with him. We cannot even have a simple discussion without him retreating to 'research' the proper way to handle a situation. He describes himself as basic black and white (I would agree) and he says that I am difficult because I am to abstract. I do not always plan my day, my week, etc based on plan a, b, c...

He is not a bad man, but he is not a partner either. I do not want to hurt him, he always says he loves being married (never says 'I love you'). But I am still wanting to go camping and take adventurous weekends. I am now accustomed to doing these activities by myself and he stays home. I guess I am looking for my best friend and partner and he is not interested. :-(

View related questions: alcoholic, best friend, divorce

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (23 April 2015):

Garbo agony auntAt 3 bottles per week, that means he downs half a bottle daily and has one sober day which is to recoup. If he is a highly functioning drunk, then he has his routine worked out down to the minute: he drinks the same liquor at exact times, and stops at exact times so that he can buzz off sufficiently to function at a job.

The point of this description is that you fit into his routine only as long as you are not a threat to the routine of drinking. That is the issue with any and every drunk, functioning or not.

Therefore, anything like hand holding, kissing or else you describe is a threat to that routine and the best way to defend such routine is by being simple (black and white), not want any extras, to limit interaction and to claim that he hasn't done anything bad to you so why are you on him.

I also think that the reason he upped his liquor dosage is that he feels sense of security and comfort with you and he will just let go on his addiction. By comfort, I mean a sense that you will not leave him.

So I think that you are correct: he is not a partner and do not expect romance and attention from him, unless he lets go of the bottle, which will not happen.

If you are content to live out your time in such relationship then don't do anything about it. His health will drastically deteriorate because alcoholics are highly deprived in all vitamins, supplements and bodily functions so some other ailment will really whack him down the line.

If you want to change him then I think you need to shake his comfort and his sense that you will be next to him irrespective of his drinking. I don't know what is the most appropriate way for you to shake up that confidence. You could perhaps find what would push his buttons better than I can guess from afar.

From other couples I know, however, a threat of loss of the spouse as in you leaving him does not work until it really happens. One other woman I know got her man together by accidently getting into an emotional affair with another man which the drunk husband discovered and that really changed his drinking habits. However, both of these cases involve a drastic and credible shakedown of his comfort so that loss of you far outweighs the loss of his drinking routine. If you can find what that would be for your man, than it will probably work in your favor.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015):

Are you getting anything out of this marriage? It doesn't sound like it. I think you should leave him.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (23 April 2015):

Aunty BimBim agony auntYou say you don't want to hurt him, but he doesn't give too hoots about hurting you, by not making you a priority in his life and also by keeping you on a guilt trip with his comments about how he loves being married .......

You are still young, you should be out doing the things you enjoy, camping and adventure weekends. Can you afford to leave him, do you have the means to be able to live your life without him in it?

If you are able to do that, then leave him to his tequila and garden, and go live your life to the fullest, and that includes giving yourself the opportunity to meet a man who can be a best friend and partner.

Good luck

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