A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles. Please advise!! I split with my BF of 3.5 years about two weeks ago. The relationship was volitile and difficult. I really loved him , but was not seeing him enough , and did not feel he was making enough effort to keep me in his life, so finally came to it, and ended it. I calmly told him to his face and explained exactly how I have been feeling for the last three years, and what I thought . He was upset but took it well, and since then due to his better behaviour I have been in two minds as to what to do, as he has been to my house nearly every day with some excuse or the other, and called nearly everyday to see how I am. He is being nice, pleasant, calm and unlike the man I was seeing for three years. I know I should not have let him back in once I had ended it , but was curious to see how he was handling it and what he would do next. I have not softend and slept with him, and told him now that it's best to see how it goes and take it easy for now. He is not pressuring me for sex, is being nice and attentive, and now I am stuck as to what to do and wondering if he has changed and turned over a new leaf, or is being nice at the moment to get me back, and once he does will go back to being hard work and difficult. It's hard to tell. It looks at the moment like he loves me alot? he is not giving up, and sometimes turns up at my workplace at lunchtimes just to see me for ten mins. He seems quite sometimes, and just stares. I told him he needs to commit if we are to ever get together again and that there needs to be more contact. He is doing the right things so far, and surprising me. Do you think it is genuine? or just tryung to get me back on board only to go back to how it was? hes being so sweet. This is also the first time I have ever officially ended it. Thanks .
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female
reader, Thickchick100  +, writes (26 March 2014):
Best advice is your ex needs to remain your ex!!!I Don't rush back to him
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 March 2014):
 I think he has "changed" his approach, not himself. He knows what you want in a man, but NEVER bothered providing that. Now that you have walked away he wants what he lost, you. And if he HAS to play nice to get you back he will, but I think the moment you agree to try again, he will gradually revert back to the guy you dated.
No one changes overnight. Call me jaded.
This isn't about HIM though, this is about you. WHAT do you want? DO you want to take the risk and try again? Or do you want to end it 100% and move on. It's one or the other.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (26 March 2014):
 I think he's being genuine. He does not want to lose you. Maybe he'll revert to what he was before, but I think he'll be a little more attentive towards you in the future. Take it slow with him until you are ready to re-commit. I think it's great that he's trying hard to please you. It is an indication that you are important to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): Ha ha ha? Do you believe someone can change overnight?
Bad kids are on their best behavior only days before Christmas Eve; then it's back to mayhem, once the toys are under the tree.
The problem here, is you are still in contact and didn't go no-contact like you're supposed to.
Not only that, he has you all figured-out. He knows you're a wimp, and can't get along without a boyfriend. You need a man in order to be strong. He knows you want him back. You don't have the stones to stand behind your decision. He's waiting for you to cave-in.
You've never proven to yourself that you don't "need" a man; that you simply want one. How would you know how sweet he was; unless you've been in regular contact with him? You're not confused. You're weakening.
Take him back. Experience a little more hell until you finally decide you've had enough. There is very little you can advise people who don't have the strength to carry out a plan. You leave them to their on devices, let them trip over their follies; then you try to help them again. When they're really ready to put good advice to good use.
My dear, I got dumped. Not because I did anything wrong. I did everything right, he says. He was a party-boy, and he felt guilty about his hidden dark-side. I was in for the long-term. I had everything he wanted in a sidekick and lover. He didn't want commitment; or for me to see his faults. He did things while we were on vacation together.
I got a glimpse, it scared the living sh*t out of me.
I didn't let on. So he did me a favor, when he ended it before he thought I'd catch on. Oh, I saw the red-flags alright. He was also getting shady. I'm all the better for it now. Now let us here help you.
Cut off all access. No communication through social media.
Don't go where he goes. Don't answer calls or messages.
Put all evidence of his existence out of sight. Throw it away, bury it in the basement, give it away. Just put it all out of sight. Fight all urges to communicate, text, or respond to them. Let the baby cry. They soon fall asleep, if you don't pick them up. He's going to play on your sympathies. Wear you down. Persistently call and nag at you.
Show him you mean it. He is playing you for a big sucker. A wimp. You're not confused. You're second-guessing yourself; because you're feeling withdrawal symptoms. Afraid of being alone, even if you had to keep company with the devil.
Now is time to reach inside for your own strength. Take back the power you surrendered to him. He is pulling you in and he will probably dump you to get even. Nobody changes miraculously. Just because you dumped him? Nope, you showed him power. His ego isn't going to let you get away with that, girlfriend. As far as he's concerned, no female is going to show him who's boss. Dump him? No no no! He'll be soooo sweet you'll regret it.
Call your mother, sisters, and lady-friends. Rally female-power around you. When you feel your strength failing, you need backup-support. Someone to slap you back into consciousness. To clear your head, and help you to believe in yourself.
It was hard. He pushed you this far.
He left you no choice. Fights, anger, crying, and that nasty aching feeling in your chest. You lost your breath from crying so hard. Don't go through that anymore.
Read what the aunts have to say. Listen to a woman's point of view. I'm a gay man. I do have wisdom, and spent the past year in recovery from my own breakup; and helping others through theirs. I'm a strong and resilient person. It took time and will to get here. I've been dating too!
Just enjoying company with some really sweet guys. No rush, no pressures, and no worries. Just chillin'! Helping other guys and girls get through the hell I went through. That's my reward.
Let no man or woman bring you down. It's your life and your future. You are the guardian of your own fate and happiness. It's not something someone else gives you, or can take away. You gave him everything, and too much more. Now save something for yourself; so you can rebuild your life. You need all your energy to heal and move on.
Backsliding is for wimps. Show him your power.
Go get a hug from your mother. There is love and an energy they give off, you can't find anywhere else. I think you need it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 March 2014):
 You have asked the key question: To wit: "Do you think it is genuine? or just trying to get me back on board...."
The "answer" is "yes." You see, when we guys must go a while without our $ex... and the lady who partook of it with us... we can put up a face of indifference for a while. BUT, it soon sinks in that we are not going to get a little (ANY!) with the lady, from now on. SOoooo, we are reduced to restarting our quest for the next lucky partner.... and - in the meanwhile - will have to do without.... and THAT, Dear Lady, is EXCRUCIATING for us.
SOooo, we put our pride in our back pocket... and go to the lady and tell her just how much we have changed (makes no difference how much of a jerk we had been just prior to the break-up).... and hope that the lucky lady is gullible enough to believe us... hence, re-start the intimacies that we seek....
YOU are at that cusp, now. What will you do????
Good luck...
P.S. Once the lady proves gullible enough to buy our story, and put out for us... then all bets are "off" as to our REALLY changing to being nice, as we claimed.....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 March 2014):
If you want someone to love you and treat you right all you have to do is dump them.
Unfortunately as soon as you accept them back, you're back to where you started.
If you do take him back you need to do a couple of things. Take things slow, and be very clear about why you left him and that if things go back to the way they were you'll have no choice but to do it again.
I've heard that you shouldn't leave ultimatums but I don't know an alternative, except maybe just to stress how important certain things are to you and hope he does the right thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2014): 3.5 years is a long time to suddenly not love you anymore but it's also a long time of acting a certain way to suddenly change... unlikely.
Honestly the choice is up to you but if it helps, my ex (28 years old) acted the way you've described. He would be all lovey dovey when we weren't together and then the second I said okay let's give it a go, he's be nasty, argumentative and generally a horrible person. We did this 3 times and all 3 times he acted the way he did before until I finally called everything off and haven't spoken to him in months.
I hope that helps, just don't rush back to him.
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