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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I can't believe I'm writing this, my head must be mashed! Well, where do I start? I've been married for 4 years and have a beautiful daughter coming up to three years old. I care for my wife deeply but cannot honestly say I'm in love with her any more.Our sex life ended when our daughter was conceived and we are now in separate rooms which seems to suit us both. We openly acknowledge the situation and both don't seem to mind (I probably instigated it to tell the truth.) Life is ok and I thought I was relatively happy.I have a married female friend of about 3 years at work whom I've always confided in and have enjoyed a lasting friendship. Problem is we had a work Christmas party last Friday which we both left early (classic!), ended up kissing quite passionately and told each other that for quite some time we were had been in love with one another. I sit next to this girl at work and after 3 days we decided that it was madness to carry on a relationship that would devastate our partners and more importantly for me would mean I lose my daughter and the security of a nice house.So today, at lunch we decided that we wouldn't be the typical couple who thinks nobody at work knows what's going on and decided to end it before it's really begun though we would stay friends. Thing is, I feel totally empty and depressed and don't know how I'm going to work with this girl and deny what happened. Plus my marriage last week felt comfortable, now it feels monotonous!I think we've done the right thing in ending this. Maybe I just need the confirmation of human kind to know I've done the right thing. Any thoughts?
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affair, at work, christmas, conceive, depressed, girl at work, kissing, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, G_G  +, writes (21 February 2007):
Dear "mashed head" Your honesty to strangers is a good start in the right direction. At least you realize that being attracted to a co-worker is a typical scenario especially when you are not satisfied at home in your marriage. I have been there and done this as well. In fact I am in the midst of an affair with another in the work place for over 8 months now. Crazy I know. We are both married. I have tried to end it more then twice, but I am or we both are compelled to carry it on. When I married, I did not marry for love, but more so for security. Dumb reason, I know. My husband even knows that I did not love him when we married. I needed his stability. At least that is what I thought. We both had been previously married, so this is no new thing for us, marriage that is. Why are people really getting married for in the first place? Is it something that society says we must do to acknowledge our commitment to each other, biblically ordained or just a whimsical thought that we will live happily ever after. Bah hum bug that is so not true! Marriage is work! Any relationship is, no matter how it first got starter, the beginning is never the same as the middle or the future. Life changes people. We must learn to change together, but is that true reality? When I see couples or hear of couples who have been married for 40, 50, 60 years, are they really happy or have they just mastered the art of acceptance, and by choice to stayed whether they were happy or not? Some do not like change, they stay for the sake of the children, etc. What a life. What is life all about? Too complex for me to answer. And no, I have not made a decision to stop my affair. Even though I am a believer in the word of God, we all fall short each and every day. I guess I am not one to give advice and find it hard to take advice as well.
A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (13 December 2006):
 You and your wife are in the baby doldrums. It does not mean you will Never get that sparky back. Did something physically happen to your wife during her pregnancy that would have made it impossible to ever have sex again? If not....then don't give up hope. Because sure you see her different and she's busy with baby and alll the stuff that goes with kids...they sound like a good idea....and then you love them....and all the world pales in the shadow of the bABy.
It is common to have an affair. You are very honorable to have realised you have made an error that could really devastate your life and fixed it before it went ballistic.
Now...I would sit down with the wife....(AND DO NOT CONFESS TO EASE YOUR GUILTY MIND) and simply ask her what should be done about your sex life. You love her, love your life together....but you have no intention of being celibate....how does she feel about her own celibacy.....where can we find a solution.
Many women simply don't like sex....so what...some don't like turnips. But if you enjoy turnips....and she won't cook them....then you should be allowed to eat at a restaurant that serves them from time to time. LOL
I don't think you are foolish in anyway by wanting to stay together for the children. Of course it works more often than you think....because while your busy staying together for the kids....sometimes you fall in love again.
Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (13 December 2006):
 The probable reason this happened was because of
a.the proximity of this girl at work, so you need to find another job to remove this temptation
b.boredom within your marriage, so try to find the 'spark' you used to have...easier siad than done!
All relationships get tedious from tiome to time, but you ahve to work at them. Take it from a woman who makes herself fall in love with her husband evry six months or so....you have to work at your marraige. Please try, at least for the sake of your child and do not give in to the temptation again.
x
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A
female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (12 December 2006):
 Hey Anon,
You care deeply for your wife... it's not impossible that you should fall madly in love with her again. It's not impossible that this marriage will succeed in giving you what you need and want. It's falling apart around you, it's time to work on it. Marriages are worth putting effort in. You say it is monotonous, but when was the last time you made a romantic gesture to your wife? Get a baby sitter and take her out. Have some fun again.
Its worth a try.
-Sally
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006):
Ha! you are right it is classic. But they are classics because they are true.
You did the right thing by ending this when you did. I think you know how this ends in the classic way too- a big mess on both side, you guys get pushed together, and eventually when its no longer forbidden, you and the new wife get divorced too.
There are a lot of things out there you dont do even though they would feel good at the time- this is just going to have to be one of them.
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A
female
reader, Nikita +, writes (12 December 2006):
 Hi Anon, You did the right thing in ending the affair.You really need to concentrate on sorting your marriage out. You say you're not in love with your wife anymore. I think the best thing would for you to talk with her. You've both slipped into a comfortable routine with you sleeping in separate bedrooms. Can you honestly say that you want to spend the rest of your life like this? If this continues then you will end up having another affair because your marriage is not fulfilling your needs. There must have been something wrong to start with if you started sleeping apart from the conception of your daughter. Have you ever thought about getting marriage counselling? I know it will be hard to work with this other woman but you did the right thing. It would have led to a lot of hurt if you had continued and you were found out. Talk to your wife. Ask her how she feels about the situation honestly. Does she still love you? See if she will agree to counselling. If not then the right thing to do would be to end your marriage for both your sakes. You will still be able to be an important part of your daughters life. No matter what, your are her father. Good luck. Hope it works out.
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A
female
reader, beautifulxxbrunette08 +, writes (12 December 2006):
 i do agree with eddie...a marriage cannot go on this way. don't stay together for your children, and just the security of a home. it isn't worth not being happy. although, you did cheat. it was wrong, yes...but ending it definately was the right thing to do, even though it will eat you away inside because of what happened...how do you know that your wife feels the same as you do? for all we know, your wife could still be madly in love with you but she doesn't want to force you into something is she is getting a bad vibe from your actions. think to yourself?? does my family deserve this?? do i?
xxx
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 December 2006):
It seems you've already begun the process, at home at least. As for your co worker, what has she done? Cheating is cheating. The only way to do this, in an honourable fashion, is to end your current relationship. You didn't say though, how your marriae fell apart. It seems that point was swept under the carpet. You went from conception to no more sex, 4 years later. That doesn't make sense.
Your fisrt step in the wrong direction was confiding in the woman at work. I think it's very common. The one you passed the entire work day with. Little by litle the seduction begins. Each morning,she primps herself at home, not for her husband, but for you. You look forward to her walking in the office. Your spouses didn't stand a chance. Everytime you walk out the door, your wife is running around in her slippers or changing dirty diapers. The other woman is putting on her happy facae, to see you. You tell eachother everything you want to hear and grimace when you discuss your spouses short comings. As you said, it's a "classic" Do the proper thing and stop betraying your wife. Either find out how to fix the marriage or end it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 December 2006):
 You did the right thing. Try and see if you can find what it was that attracted you to your wife to begin with. If this marriage is beyond repair and all avenues (counseling for one)have been explored then you may have to separate and divorce. Everyone deserves happiness. Good luck!
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