A
male
age
51-59,
*olfer
writes:I am married with a wonderful and dedicated wife and have 2 kids. I also have a foreign girlfriend who is based in my home country. I have been with her for over 3 years. We have enjoyed the best sex life, among other times like trips together. In the past 3 years, I have also made love to my wife but never enjoyed it as much as with my girlfriend. My girlfriend is now past 30 and has decided to go back to her home country. She feels that she cannot go on with me this way since we cannot get married. It is true that I cannot give her what she wants (ie be married to her). I cannot even spend the night with her in my home country. I really don't want to lose her. I have offered several alternatives on how we can still be together. Obviously, she is refusing everything. She wants to start life afresh by marrying a man and getting married. However, she did say that if she did not feel like she can be accustomed to life back home, she may return to my country and perhaps we can be together again.In the meantime, and one more month left, we have stopped being intimate. I really miss her, in all ways. She is also fairly cold to me. Nonetheless, I am still allowed to visit her everyday at lunchtime. 1-1.5 hours, and that's it.I know I am not doing the right thing as I have more to lose should my wife finds out about this. I also have to stop cheating... but I just cant! Can someone tell me how to manage this wreck in my life!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Your a fool. You are also a man with no integrity, respect or values. You have no guts as we call in in my country.
It is hopeful this women has now had enough of you and your games. Hopefully she can have a life now without your involvment.
You will have another affair I am sure. You have no remorse, guilt or repect for the people in your life. What a shame. For them.
What are you wanting us to say to you. You made your bed, NOW LIE IN IT!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): I have to agree with Annalisa on this one. You have neglected you lovely wife for sexual fun. The woman who has stood by you and had your kids deserves better. Thank goodness this other woman has the sense to walk away. She wants a husband and i bet your wife thinks she has a one. How can you go home and make love to your wife after you have been with the other woman. Sorry but i think you are a pig and dont deserve this lovely wife of yours!! What would of happened if your wife had found out and your bit on the side didnt want you after all, dumped and it would of served you right.
So if this other woman decides that she wants to come back are you going to continue what you left off? Sorry, but you wont get any sympathy from me, if you are kicked to the kerb by them both.
What about your kids? dont they deserve a 100% dad and family?
I hope you walk away from this other woman and be the husband that your wife deserves, personally i want to kick your smug arse!
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 There comes a time in everyone's life when they sit back and look at the cards being dealt to them in life and decide whether or not they like what they see. This time has come for your girlfriend. She's had enough of playing second fiddle to your wife and having to share you all the time. She wants (deserves) someone who can be there for her and share her highs and lows and because you're already married, you can't do this.
Women aren't sex objects! THEY have feelings too you know. Instead of being so selfish and complaining because you'll miss her (obviously because the sex is great), why don't you concentrate more on your own wife and improve your relationship in all ways. Give her the love and attention that you're giving to this other woman. If you actually took the time and sat down and spoke to your wife I'm sure she'd say that sex with YOU wasn't too hot either so come on... stop sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, buck up your ideas and let this other woman go and HAVE a life again and you concentrate on putting your OWN marriage right.
Take time out to get to know your own family again, spend time with your kids and spend some quality time with your wife. If you really put some effort into your marriage and concentrate on your own family then you won't HAVE a wreck of a life but a wonderful strong family unit. You have 2 wonderful kids there and a wife who probably thinks the world of you! That's more than some men have in a lifetime so WAKE UP MAN... before you end up with nothing and your wife walks out on you too!
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): You are likely to come in for a lot of flack here..........it will be interesting to see what responses you get Fortunately on this site there are a lot generous spirited emotionally intelligent people! However, you are cheating on your 'wonderful and dedicated wife' so you are also cheating on your kids. Your mistress is being sensible in trying to extricate herself from what she sees as a hopeless situation that can only lead to misery and loneliness for her. In my experiences, there are some cases where women can carry on a cold hearted affair with a married man, just for sex and money but more often than not, the 'other woman' gets hurt and gets to the point where she has had enough and realises she wants more from life than to be someone's 'bit on the side'.When I initially read your email, I thought you sounded like a selfish introspective male who is having his cake and eating it plus a few cherries on the top by the sounds of it. It is not my place to judge but it sounds as though you have lost control of the situation a bit as opposed to just cynically trying to get advice on how to keep them both going so you continue to have your goodies. If you are genuinely distressed about this and really want to sort it out, you would probably benefit from seeing a counsellor. You talk about what you 'have to lose' - do you mean the general financial and physical marital comforts and benefits or do you really not want to lose your wife for the person she is and for what she means to you, outside of the house, children, money etc. Also, if your wife does find out she may well kick your ass (and who could blame her) and you could end up losing, her, your house, your kids. But you know all this already. You are going to have to behave like a real man for the first time in a long time and decide what you want. I personally would always advocate trying to save a marriage/long term partnership, especially where there are innocent children involved (it is after all not their fault you can't keep your trousers on when you are out of the house(. And regarding your mistress being 'cold' towards you, I'm not bloody surprised. I think you need to get a grip. Your mistress has had enough and buggered off (and who can blame her) and your wife will do the same if you are not careful and you will have no-one. You are privileged to have a wonderful wife and two children...........do you know there are loads of men out there who would love to have this and would treat them properly?? You don't need a mistress as well and if you do, then you need to look at why. Are you just a fickle philandering personality type or have you genuinely got yourself emotionally caught between the two women. You say you miss sex with your mistress which you prefer to sex with your wife. In a long term relationship sex will have its ups and downs but YOU HAVE TO WORK AT IT not run outside and get it elsewhere. There is more to a marriage than just sex and you can rekindle the spark in your marriage if you try.If you have problems within the marriage, I would suggest professional marriage therapy. Your mistress has done the right thing by you and your family and by herself and it will be hard for her, so don't make it any harder. You've been having a lot of fun but now you are seeing that it came at a cost to you, which is a good learning curve. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. Hopefully you won't do this again. You have made it clear you don't want to lose your wife and family so you will just have to get over your mistress and get on with it. If on the other hand, you cannot live without her and you cannot save your marriage, then you will have to offer your mistress a full time relationship. You are going to have to choose between them. Also, if you do leave your wife and go with your mistress, will you cheat on our mistress eventually??I am sorry if this sounds rude or harsh but I have seen so many people (women and men) over the years distraught by their partner's cheating it can literally make people like they are falling apart and I feel that you are thinking about yourself here as you do not mention anyone else's feelings. You speak about the pros and cons to yourself ie 'she is also fairly cold towards me' and 'i have more to lose' and 'i really miss her in all ways'. It could be that your post is just written in a certain way so it is a communication issue and I'd be interested to hear what other replies said but when I read this, I got a sense of 'me me me' as if you are just worried about yourself. Anyhow, I hope you get this sorted out and manage to work out what it is you want, who you want to be with and that you don't hurt too many other people along the way. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, faith_believe_love  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 Hi..hmm torn between two lovers, eH??. I dont know whats going on your mind and i also cant judge you but i feel sorry for your wife really. WHich of these 2 woman you really really love??. I think the reason that this woman was cold to you maybe she was fed up with this kind of relationship that she have with you you know shes trying to get away with you. Loving someone which is forbidden is really hard yes you can enjoy those nights of pleasure with each other but the fact is you two can never be together. I believe that you still love your wife pls. just let this woman leave if you really love her you should let her go and let her be happy let her find a man that gonna marry her that will love her much more than you do. Shes doing this because she too is in difficult situation she loves you but theres limit she cant own you WHole. Try to think of it and you'll see. GOd Bless and take care.
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