A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear allI just need some advice.A good friend of mine told me she had feelings for me last November. I didn't have those feelings so rejected her and she was upset. It was tough for some weeks but eventually she stopped being upset and we seemed to be friends, but wouldn't talk that often.Now she called me out of the blue, and asked me again. I told her the same. She asked me for a reason why I didn't like her, and I can't give one really, I just don't feel like but I wouldn't want to say one anyway as she would blame that and there is nothing wrong with her I just don't like her in that way.She basically begged me, crying and saying she can't get through this. it's 4 months since I first said no.More than anything I want to make her happy but I know to do so would be a lie and hurt her more later.I'm worried about her but don't want to give her false hope. what can I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 February 2018):
 Honestly it sounds like she is going through a tough time. She has developed feelings more you and she is struggling to let go. Unfortunately the best thing that you can do to help is stay away from her. A friendship will never work between you both because she sees you as something else. You sound like a very fair and decent bloke but you need to be tough now and tell her there is no reason why but you are just not romantically interested in her and then ask her not to contact you again. I know it is a hard thing to do especially when she is your friend. But its the kindest thing to do so she has a chance to get over you.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 February 2018):
 Personally I'd cut contact, she isn't taking no for an answer and the more you speak to each other the more she's going to think things are progressing well.
There's no easy way to do this but you can't be friends with someone when one of the people want something more serious, it's simply not possible. You've politely said no and she's resorted to begging, the only way out here is to back away from the situation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2018): Resorting to tears and emotionalizing is often the way males are manipulated by females. What it comes down to is this; she's not taking no for an answer.
You not only hurt her feelings; but you put a dent in her pride, and bruised her ego. You have now opened a challenge.
When someone declares romantic feelings for you, a simple no is not enough. They need time and distance in order to reset and detach those feelings. You can't keep contacting her thinking your rejection should do the trick. Evidently it hasn't.
You must explain to her as compassionately as you can; you have to give her time to sort-out her feelings. Which means you will not be in-touch for a while. That means restricting all forms of contact, and to leave her alone. Do not respond to tearful-pleas, drunk-texting, tantrums, or emotional-outbursts.
Unless she is mentally-unstable, she will not do herself harm. Yield to that, and she's got you by the balls!
If you give-in to her tactics of manipulation; you are confirming that she does in-fact have some control over your feelings. Therefore; she will be led to believe if she persists, she'll win you over.
You can no longer only be friends. She wants a boyfriend, and you have to allow her the time and distance to get over you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (1 February 2018):
 You need to keep contact to a minimum for a while and certainly no physical contact because, by the sounds of it, she will cling to any threads she envisages as encouragement or hope.
Is it possible she is feeling vulnerable at the moment and is reaching out to you to help her through a touch time? You know her as a friend so know if she has suffered any loss recently that could make her so needy. This is not an excuse for her behaviour but could be a reason for it. If so, then perhaps you could have a word with other friends of hers so that they are aware and offer support without you getting involved?
It's a shame when you have to lose a friend because your agendas are different (been there, done that) but sometimes you have to distance yourself to avoid giving them false hope. You cannot force yourself to feel things you don't feel for her. Wish her well but keep her at arm's length so she can get over this and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 February 2018):
 She isn't necessarily a spoiled brat or crazy, just someone who has developed strong, unrequited feelings. That doesn't mean you have to give her an answer other than "I'm sorry, I just don't feel that way about you", but it does make her actions understandable, as a young woman.
However, I think you need to put distance between you until she moves on. It will take time. You can't make her not like you any more or stop her having hope, so just stick to your original answer and distance yourself if she keeps bringing it up.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (1 February 2018):
I wouldn't block her necessarily, but be clear with her that "no means no"and if she can't handle that you're gone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 February 2018):
 Jeeez, that is crazy!
Sorry OP, you feel the way you do and I'm sorry she is using tears and drama to try and manipulate you into being interested. Honestly, If I were you, her behavior would make me back away FAST.
I think auntie BimBim is right, tell her you don't feel any chemistry at all. And that chemistry is important to you.
It's NOT your job to fix this for her. The girl had a crush and you didn't reciprocate her crush and now she is upset because her "fantasy" (crush) didn't pan out. It kind of sounds like she is starting to obsess, which means YOU need to back away and minimize the contact with her.
OP, she isn't your friend. She is someone who has a crush on you and who doesn't WANT to accept reality.
Yes, it SUCKS to have a crush and the other person doesn't feel the same. THAT is what a crush is! Not really YOUR problem. And I get that you don't want to hurt her feeling, so be honest and be gentle but also BE FIRM.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 February 2018):
 She's nuts! Or a spoilt brat whose parents never said no to her.
If he is part of your social group and you may need to interact with her just tell her the chemistry isn't there and limit your interactions.
If she isn't part of your social group then block her on everything, and if she becomes stalkerish take out a restraining order against her. Nobody needs the sort of crap she is trying to lay on you.
...............................
|
