A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a 55 year and a working adult. My marriage was never and easy one because our was a arranged marriage. I have been married for 35 year. My spouse is a highly egoistic character. Since day one i was not able to communicate with my husband. He hates to comunication. My husband was a good provider and a good father as well. He is 65 years old and he retired at the age of 55. Since the retirement he gardually started changing. Now he loves to travel alone and refuses to take me along.He chats on the computer all day and talks sex to total strangers.I chance upon this message once when I asked him he said he was only passing time by talking to these people. when he travels he will just disappear for few months without a word and when comes back he expects me to welcome him without questions ask. There are alot more changes in him and he expects me to accomodate his behaviour if not we will fight like mad day in and day out. He says that he wants his freedom and he don't care about anyone including me. He wants me to take whatever he does with a smile. He did something and I got mad and stopped talking to him for the past one and a half year now. He acts as though nothing happened and did not appologise. He carry on doing things which upsets me. Emotionally I am upset and hurt. I don't want to go for divorce at this age. Pls advise. Thanks
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male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (25 February 2013):
You don't want a divorce, so you basically have three choices:
1.) Ask him to go to marriage counseling (he'll refuse).
2.) Accept his behavior and stop being upset about it. Be his version of the perfect wife: one that never questions him and is always there when he needs you. This may help your marriage because he'll probably start treating you a little better, but you probably wont be happy.
3.) Stop worrying about what he does and worry about yourself as a single woman. Do things that make you happy, whatever they may be, with no regard to what your husband thinks. This is what he's doing to you.
Really, you should be getting a divorce because neither of those are good options.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2013):
 well I suggest if you don't want a divorce you have two options
a. do nothing and smile at him when he gets home from his visits.... and keep him happy at all times while you are miserable
b. move into your spare bedroom, start moving money from your joint accounts to separate accounts.... stop taking care of him... .live your life to please you not him.... take a lover.... make new friends... only go home to sleep and bathe... treat him like he treats you and stop trying to save the dead marriage.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 February 2013):
 You write: "...I don't want to go for divorce at this age. Pls advise. Thanks ..."
Reminds me of a question I saw in an advice column some time ago. The writer said that she wanted to go to law school and, possibly, become a trial lawyer. "But," she said, "... I'm 52 years old. When I finish law school, in four years, I'll be 56 years old."
The columnist wisely inquired: "How old will you be, in four years, if you DON'T go to law school?????"
So, for you.... a similar question: "At what age DO YOU want to get a divorce????"
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Ilha (25 February 2013) has given you some excellent advice.
But if you decide that you really want a divorce, I would make sure that you have the skills to support yourself.
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A
female
reader, Ilha  +, writes (25 February 2013):
Dear OP,I understand what you going through. I am in a more or less similar relationship where I have been married for 12 years. Mine is partly arranged marriage. I did all I could to have my husband love me. I communicate to him what I need. I even tell him how to get more information so that he could understand what I need from him as a husband and lover. My husband claims that he loves me but he never shows it or demonstrates it at all. His actions do not show his love though. However, he is a great father to out two precious children. Just like your husband, my husband can go on vacation or working trips on his own and never calls home. My kids would need to call him if they miss him. I have given up on my marriage but staying on because of my kids. I have get on with my life. I have been busy doing my thing. I have also told him I no longer cares what he does and I want to do my own stuff. We are going to marriage counselling though, this is our second time seeking counselling because I want a divorce. So I am not sure what the outcome would be. But I notice since he sees me not being bothered about him, he has tried to be a better husband but I am not giving in easily. After 12 years of giving my all and he never appreciates at all, why should I now give in to one or two nice gestures. But I do say thank you when he does that and then continue to be not bothered. Just giving him back a taste of his own medicine.If you do not want a divorce, you should stop being bothered about him. Do what you like. He is treating you in this way because he knows when he comes back, you will still take care of him. Have friends, go on your own vacation or outings. Make plans to do stuff on weekends with your own family or relatives or friends. This is the time to enrich your life, learn about yourself. No can make you feel unloved, unwanted, unappreciated and hurt unless you give them the power. You own your feelings so you have the power to decide how you should feel.I have seen many couples who are no longer in love still stay in a marriage and have their own separate life. The choice is yours because he will never change. You can stay on and be miserable, stay on and do something useful with your life or divorce him. I have given you three choices, choose one that would best work for you.Take care and Good luck. May you find the strength to cope with what has been laid out to you.xxxxxIlha
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): Hi, I agree no one should be treated in this manner. Are you a working woman, are you financially independant? I am all for telling him to get lost and going for a divorce but if you are financially dependant on him and will be worst off should you leave, I would make sure before I leave I am financially secure. I dont think it would be easy to start working again at your age. So no matter how emotional you are you should think it through this divorce, if your life would get more difficult. Everyone will say get a divorce but you are best judge of your situation.
Also if I have given my life looking after this man and his kids, I expect to be also looked after in my old age.
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