A
female
age
30-35,
*mrsrocha
writes:So basically for the past 2 weeks or so I've been extremely horny. Like to the point that I think I might cheat on my husband if given the opportunity. I also gave myself my first orgasm ever last night. I am not being satisfied by my husband at the moment. I feel like I have to beg him for sex. When I come on to him he rejects me every time. I'm not super unattractive or anything just a little chunky, I mean I've had 3 kids. My problem is I can't stop watching porn. I do it at work even. I would say I watch it at least twice a day. Last night I actually master bated to it and omg best night ever! I tell my husband I want to have sex all the time and that I watch porn but nothing. What do I do? I don't an to cheat on my husband but I don't know how long I can go unsatisfied.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2015): "So , the OP's sexual needs are "basic " in the sense that she probably will try to cover them before, or at the expenses of, other accomplishments . ( As apparently she is doing, actually, since she is more worried about her sexual gratification, than about maintaining a loving intimate monogamous bond with her chosen official partner )."
Exactly what I meant actually. And that's why I think it's easier,both ethically and otherwise, to simply choose (i.e. again moral dilemma,not a physical one).
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2015):
 Female anon reader : sorry I would not want to sound pedantic or polemic, but I think you are using Maslow's pyramid in too a decontextualized way.
Regardless of the fact that just because Maslow came up with a theory ( in 1954 !, which is eons for modern psychology ) does not necessarily make it etched -in- granite true
- regardless of the fact that human needs have been theorized and categorized since then in tons of other ways ( Herzberg, McClelland, Heller and tons of others )- Maslow never wrote , and never meant, that sex is a primary human need in the sense that if you don't f..k you'll die or you'll go crazy . It's not like breathing or water, in this sense.
Quite simply, Maslow- by his own admission - uses " need " as the equivalent of MOTIVATION; and in this case, a motivation born by an universal ,physical, biological pulsion.
In other words : "need " as the impulse, the PUSH which will motivate the individuals to go and take care of certain business, BEFORE they can focus their energy on going to get themselves something at a more complex level.
So, if one is starving will be biologically motivated to go search for food BEFORE he goes searching for security then affection then esteem then self realization ( the other subsequent levels of the pyramid ).
And, according to Maslow, he will feel the pulsion to satisfy his sexual instincrs BEFORE dealing with other fancier stuff, like becoming popular or powerful or self actualized.
In this sense, Maslow defines sex as a " basic " need ( or motivation to action, which for him is one and the same) As something that people will care about before they'll bother caring about other things.
Same as, say, if you are a junkie the first and foremost thing you'll focus your energies on, will be how to get your next heroin fix ( and screw security, affection, esteem etc. ) That's your basic "need" , or primary motivation to action . But I think nobody would say that heroin is your basic need for being happy or livong a fulfilling life or staying alive and healthy.
So , the OP's sexual needs are "basic " in the sense that she probably will try to cover them before, or at the expenses of, other accomplishements . ( As apparently she is doing, actually, since she is more worried about her sexual gratification, than about mantaining a loving intimate monogamous bond with her chosen official partner ). But NOT in the sense that if she curbs or suppresses these impulses she is bound toward physical illness , early death, or severe mental breakdown - as a deprivation of sleep, food , water could induce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2015): Actually, SVC,
sex is a basic human need (or could be included in the "physiological" part of Maslow's psychological characterisation of needs).
So,I understand the OP-her basic needs are not covered. That doesn't excuse cheating (which is a moral dilemma,not a physical one), so OP, figure out what you need to do to cover your basic needs-be it a divorce or some sort of compromise with the husband.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 July 2015):
 if he has permission to sleep with other women, then you have the same permission to sleep with other men.
clearing it with the spouse in advance is not cheating.
the issue is he may not have any need or want of other women now... therefore he may revoke this part of the marriage.
DO NOT cheat. IF you are not satisfied and an open marriage will help, do that. IF he agrees. IF he does not agree and you feel you MUST have sex (food water sleep and shelter are the only things we really need we don't NEED sex) then you must end the marriage... get a good divorce attorney to consult on the grounds you would have to use.
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A
female
reader, imrsrocha +, writes (19 July 2015):
imrsrocha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice! I will let him know that I need my needs met too if not than I'll look elsewhere. I agreed to let him sleep with other women because sex is just sex and I have a weird fantasy of watching. Anyway I sort of do want an open relationship now due to my lack of satisfaction at home. I just don't want to mess up my marriage because I can't refrain from cheating.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (19 July 2015):
 Thanks for the follow-ups, OP. They make all the difference in painting a clearer picture of your situation!
Two things stand out about the additional information you've provided:
1) His porn use IS starting to become a problem in your marriage because he's choosing porn use over real sex with you. This is one of the signs of a budding porn addiction.
2) The situation where he can sleep with others provided he informs you first seems quite inequitable because there's no similar agreement in place for your needs.
As far as the porn goes, I still believe it's time for you to sit down with him and explain the ways in which his porn use is damaging the marriage for BOTH of you. Ask him what he thinks a fair compromise would be and hold him accountable for some progress in this regard.
As far as the one-way open marriage goes, you have every right to let him know that if he doesn't wish to meet your sexual needs, you insist upon the same freedom to look elsewhere. Explain that you will happily extend the same courtesy of telling him first... but it's not fair that he currently has a choice between porn AND other women AND you when he wants to get off, but meanwhile you are limited to those rare occasions when he's in the mood for real live sex with *you* specifically.
I think most women would feel quite resentful about the situation you describe, so you're completely justified in wanting and needing something to change.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2015):
 Has he agreed to an open relationship? It sounds like you let him sleep with other women so you could have sex with other men. Some husbands don't want real sex anymore because they don't want their wives to get pregnant, even those who use birth control. It's an irrational fear. The idea of a 4th kid is overwhelming to him.
You maybe able to scratch an itch with other people but this is no long term solution.
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A
female
reader, imrsrocha +, writes (19 July 2015):
imrsrocha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's crazy because my sex drive has like tripled and his has diminished at the same time. And you're right he just turned 21 so ya there's something I just can't figure it out.
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A
male
reader, IanHenryCooper  +, writes (19 July 2015):
 I am a new "Uncle" on here, so I'm not sure exactly what is allowed in terms of a response, but I recommend a quick fix in the way of a masturbatury exercise.Other than that, long-term, I agree with the other aunties that you need to have a proper discussion with your husband - I also cannot see why he is turned off from sex. I reckon I must be around twice his age and I am still horny.
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A
female
reader, imrsrocha +, writes (19 July 2015):
imrsrocha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have asked him why he doesn't want to have sex but he just says when I want to do it he's already watching porn so he'd rather masturbate. I tell him he makes me feel unwanted and like he might be sleeping with someone else but he denies it. We do have an agreement though. He's allowed to sleep with other women but he has to tell me first.
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A
female
reader, imrsrocha +, writes (19 July 2015):
imrsrocha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I've told him that I don't understand how he can reject me and that it makes me feel like I'm unwanted. He placed the blame on masturbating. He says once he starts watching porn he wants to masturbate to itThat's a lie though he wasn't watching anything at the time he rejected me. I don't know how to tell him without making him mad that basically if he doesn't start giving it to me I will find it somewhere else. I shouldn't have to beg someone to have sex with me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 July 2015):
 Have you had a serious discussion with your husband about this? What does he say? You say he rejects you, but other than that, have you had a proper discussion with him about this? You need to talk about it, it's the only way to solve this.
In the meantime, continue masturbating. The ability to reach an orgasm is only doing you good, so congratulations for working that out! Don't cheat though, remind yourself that you're extremely horny right now, and it's the horniness that's talking, not your intellect. You married, and you need to respect your husband. If you are sincerely unsatisfied to the point of not being able to tolerate it any longer, then you need to get a divorce, not a lover.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (19 July 2015):
How is your husband getting his needs met?
If you're close in age his libido *should* be pretty healthy and he is either driving himself crazy going without (unlikely, because you're constantly offering sex) or getting his rocks off another way, possibly through porn.
If he does use porn and is using porn exclusively, at the EXPENSE of your sex life, this is not "healthy" porn use and you need to sit him down and insist on changes in his behavior.
If he is also in his 20s/30s and his libido is nonexistent (i.e. he isn't interested in sex OR porn) there may be an underlying health issue to blame, and I would suggest he see his doctor for a checkup, because it is not common for a completely healthy man of that age to be totally disinterested in sex.
In the meantime, your sexual frustration is completely understandable. But cheating over a two-week spell of unrequited horniness is NOT the right answer, especially with young children involved. Continue to meet your own sexual needs if need be, but do NOT involve another man unless you are OK with the prospect of your husband finding out and potentially not forgiving you, which could end in a messy divorce.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes resolving the issue!
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