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I don't want to cheat, but I want other men!

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 June 2007) 21 Answers - (Newest, 25 April 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been with my husband for 10 years. Before I met him I was very sexually active with many different partners. When I got with my husband and fell in love I thought I would change but over the last year or so I have wanted to look elsewhere. I thrive on dating different men.

I love my husband which is why I was honest with him and told him how I feel and what I want to do. He listened and said he would give me time to make a decision as to whether we separate or carry on. I dont want to stay with my husband and cheat on him as we always promised we wouldnt do that. I am unsure what to do but my desire to have an affair is very strong.

Its nothing to do with my husband either. I just like dating different men. We have 2 kids so I am trying to do everything to make everyone happy. I am not happy being married and to be honest knew I was doing the wrong thing when we got married, but its easy to get caught up in the moment. I was young then and now I have grown up I have realised I dont want to be tied to a marriage, and thats with anyone, not just my husband.

I need some advice from you. Am I going to make a huge mistake by seperating from my husband or is it better to do what makes me happy?

View related questions: affair, fell in love

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2013):

I have been with my husband for 8 years next month. We went through a very rough patch financially and emotionally, during this time we were living with my parents. My husband became distant and I asked for a divorce several times with neither of us doing anything about it (probably because of the money it cost to divorce). I was tired of not feeling loved, not having physical intimacy and generally being treated like a child (both by my parents and my husband). I got very depressed, and decided I wanted out. I decided to cheat, a lot. I thought I was being shown love, by the men I was being with, even having one wanting a long term relationship with me. But it was all not real, it was fake. My father died, I got thrown into a weird emotional term-oil and the man that wanted a long term relationship with me, could not handle my distance while I was healing, he started dating someone else (whom he is married to now) and hurt me as most men have done in my life. My husband and I started going to counseling and we worked out a lot of issues, we got our own place and that has further gone to help our relationship. However, am I happy? Not completely... but I can tell you--- if you have someone who will not blow up on you when you come to him expressing your interest in other men, and loves you enough to let you have time to make that decision, I would say it is better to stay with him and put your lust aside. Try and do role playing or have him pick you up in a bar, because he seems like a man that is worth keeping. Ultimately it is your decision but if it is about sex... remember married people have more sex than non-married people (on average), you are 10 years older now and it might be harder to have as many dates as you would prefer to have... not saying to be rude, but as an almost 30 year old woman, I have a lot less options than I did at 20 and I don't think I am bad looking at all (based on compliments that I get)... but it is the way it is, men want women younger and younger... unless you want to date men in their 50s and 60s...

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A female reader, jess4rmthesw United States +, writes (29 October 2010):

I am kind of in the same situation....I have 2 children a 5yr old and a 3 yr old i Love my husband to bits and pieces I love being married, but i find myself wanting to cheat with another man.....i am just not satisfied with my husband sexually we have tried creams and different positions energy pills to get him sorta in the mood but he just isnt any good and just plain does not want to most of the time he would rather sleep or play video games....i dont want to leave him just because of it....so i feel in my situation maybe it might be ok to have a discreet affair with no emotional attachment to take care of my needs....but in your situation if u are just not happy being married at all and want to just be free to do whomever and whatever u want then i think that maybe u and ur husband should split but be very good friends (if hes understanding about the whole situation), but u also have to be ok with the fact he might find someone else who could possibly become part of your kids lives and just all come to some sort of peaceful agreement for your kids.....then u just be free and happy:-) I hope that made sense good luck:-)

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A male reader, TheTruth1969 United States +, writes (10 October 2009):

For whatever reason, sometimes in a marriage a partner may decide to cheat or be unfaithful. People like this feel like they are missing out on something and think that they will find it by being with someone else. They will justify their cheating ways by telling themselves that their marriage is having problems.

If you are thinking of cheating there are a few questions you need to ask yourself. Do you really even love your wife or husband? If you do not then at least have the dignity of leaving this person first. There is no excuse for hurting someone like that. If you still love this person and want to resume a relationship with them then there are a few things you need to consider.

Do you have kids? Remember, when you get a divorce after committing such act you are not just divorcing your spouse. You are ultimately divorcing your children as well. Do you really want some other man or woman raising your children playing the role of mommy or daddy? Think about it. Please if you are going to step out then do it the right way, Leave and be honest about it. Don't dump on your spouse and then split up leaving this person with all of the responsibility of the children and all of the pain that you have caused. You can't leave someone like this and expect them not to bad mouth you to your children.

As much as you both don't want the children to be hurt-They will be. They will find out about it. The children will think that you have cheated and have lied to them also. They will also put blame on the innocent spouse for leaving. With all the pressure you have put on him or her they now have to be blamed for your selfishness.

If you should be so lucky and your spouse decides to stay after you have cheated, know that life won't be a bowl of peaches for a long time. You may never get back to the love you both once had for each other.

Trust is a hard thing to regain once it has been lost. Your family and friends will have a hard time looking at you for a while. You will not only have to prove yourself to your spouse but everyone around you. You will feel like you are always on trial.

There will also be the guilt that you will be caring around. It will become very heavy after a while. There will be nights of endless tears that come from your spouse. You will be ready to move on but he/she can't. They feel dead inside. It is hard to comfort someone when you are the cause of their pain. This will be the hardest thing that both of you will ever have to go through.

Think about it before you decide to make these kinds of major changes in your life. The little bit of gratification you will receive now will leave you and your family with years of pain. Is it worth it? You will never get what you think you want from cheating.

You need to ask yourself why do I feel the need to cheat? Then you need to get help and deal with those issues first. A marriage can be saved. Like anything else you have to work on it everyday if you want your marriage to grow and be healthy.

Go seek help before it is too late. Cheating is bad news. If you believe in God then ask him to come in and help you with your marriage.

By cheating you will ultimately be cheating yourself out of a chance at a happy marriage.

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A male reader, EroticSexyMan United States +, writes (11 August 2009):

Hello. This is for the woman who's been married for 10 yrs & wants to date & have sex with other men. I know you don't like being tied down (or maybe you do) but in a marriage I mean. See I think that a (cheating wife) is very sexy & erotic & naughty (not to mention a few other things) but the question you have to ask yourself is would you rather be with other men sexually other than your husband or do you want to be discreet about it & cheat on him behind his back (even though you said you'd never do it). I know what it's like to LUST after someone else. Believe me the drive & feelings are so damn strong sometimes they drive you crazy & make you think thoughts about cheating. You have to be happy & if you're not happy with your husband & you want to be with other men then it's your decision to make. You said you have kids. So the question again you have to ask yourself is WOULD YOU RATHER CHEAT ON YOUR HUSBAND BEHIND HIS BACK (which is very hot erotic naughty nasty slutty & sexy) ALL IN A GOOD WAY OR WOULD YOU RATHER SEPERATE FROM HIM? Let me know. I hope to hear your answer soon. Good luck & God bless.

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A female reader, sadone09 United States +, writes (6 July 2009):

I can't give u no advice because I'm in a bad situation simular to your's but I will say the grass isn't always greener on the other side so really think b4 u make such a big choice.I wish u the best of luck.

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A female reader, kezzyb United Kingdom +, writes (17 June 2009):

i am feeling much the same as you are i am feeling very lost and i am not sure what to do i frive on attention and i have a couple of other blokes intrested in me and i havent cheated since we have been married and we have now been together 9 years i know every one says women have a 10 year glitch but im not sure that is what it is i am a very open person aswell i have even talked about having an open relationship as long as its protected and safe i think you should think about this then you have a stable relationship to go home to but you both see other people and in away if you find your feet somewhere else and so does he it takes away some of the pain

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008):

Seems to be a challenge to keep that new feeling going in a relationship.After 20 years in a marriage I also felt like I wanted to cheat and I did, I dont regret my actions but I do wish I could of put the energy into making us BOTH happy(My man and I).....Instead of saying should I do what makes me happy...Say.. What can I do to make US happy, the man that you love is still where you left him...try to remember him.....IF your mind is made up and im sure it is.. Then....Welcome to my world....Alone...Am I happy now ?......."THE GRASS WAS GREENER, BUT IT DIED QUICKLY" GOOD LUCK GIRL....

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008):

I understand in some ways i have the same feeling for other women, and it all comes down to one thing and thats sex and lust , i havent cheated iver but if i had the chance i dont think i could stop myself .

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008):

Hello all-

I am going through the same feelings right now. I want to tell you my story so that you can understand the advice I am offeriung. I have to say you should look at yourself, and what is lacking from the marriage from your partner. You are very serious about your desire to be with other men - I don't think that it is all a sexual desire.

My story: Tomorrow I am going to go to counseling myself on the matter. I plan to give my husband some time to change, and to look at him with love during this time, and to be supportive of behavior changes. I myself have been putting everything into our relationship - being the flexible one, the caring one, the mature one. I mean, he won't let me choose what we do together for any evening, the hours we go to the gym together or the chores that we do in the house. He is jealous, and I can't hold a conversation with him. I am going to find a way to tell him that these are the faults with our marriage and that I want him to have real conversations with me, to negotiate our budget, chores and leisure activities. If he cannot become more accepting and loving towards me, then I will leave him, because he is selfish, and I can't just be the one to keep giving. This thought of leaving him was brought about because I met a person that I like, who does listen and has conversations with me, and I realized that I don't deserve to go through my life with a husband who can't converse with me because he is too busy watching TV - that is not for me! I can't have a husband who never goes out with me... I love to go out, and I deserve to have a man who will go out with me.

I am telling you my story to help you see a frame that may reflect a part of your story.

Everyone on this blog assumes that your husband is a great guy. Maybe he's not always great or satisfying for you, and maybe that's why you want to go. Good luck, keep us updated on what happens.

-Amanda

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007):

I totally understand, I feel the same way. so don't ever be ashamed of feeling very sexul especially towards other men.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007):

Unlike the poster below me, I have no understanding of why you are like this. In the most loving way..when one cars for someone else in the healthiest sense...a relationship isn't about getting-it's about givingness, generosity and working through the problems that do come up. And believe me, hun, all relationships hit walls, challenges and stumbling blocks. My guess is that you are woman who, feels lonely and emotionally imamture unless you have great sex.. This has to do with self-love. Some women lack it so they look to other men to validate them, and being sexually available to others, is the quickest and most short-lived way to get a positive response and the attention she craves. You need to learn to be happy with who you are, first. So change your way thinking here. You both need to sit down and talk about your relationship. Focus on helping him to help you sexually..so all you can to bond and work this through together. If you still have a compulsion to cheat after all this, then I would have to say...you should split up so you can go out and have your fun with other men and not potentially be hurting this guy, who does love you. Breaking up will hurt him at first, but he'll heal, recover and move on to someone else. But I will state..you don't cheat while in a love relationship..that's pretty crappy not to mention immature and selfish. Good luck and take care.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007):

I totally understand that strong desire to get out of your comfortable home life and be with other men. I've gong through the same thing repeatedly over our 13 yr marriage. I've never cheated but have emotionally pulled away from my husband several times for this reason. It creates a lot of unhappiness for me b/c there is NO reason I should not be happy with my husband (and yours sound great if he's so calm and understanding about this) and my beautiful daughter. It is essentially the life that all singles complain about not having. So why can't I love it too? I think it has to do with inate selfishness and a past of unbridled affairs/dating. It's what we're used to and it's hard to conform to a "normal" life of housewife and mother. You will feel free if you cheat but you will also feel miserable once you see the results on your family and friends. I've gone to therapy over this one and it does help - you realize that that urge is something inside that you have to root out, just like if you were an addict. You have to constantly push it away and tell yourself you have the best life and there's nothing that can replace that. You must work on the urge from the inside. And if you're not getting what you need from your husband, talk with him and maybe go to counseling with him too. You may just need some excitement with him. Travel together or do something exciting TOGETHER that lets you see him in a new and exciting way. It helps make things fresher. And I always think I don't want some other woman being a step-mom to my daugther and I don't want some other woman to be with my husband. It takes a lot of work and effort but it is worth it in the end. Remember, it's never wrong to treat others right at the expense of your desires. You'll make a hundred ppl happy by doing the right thing, but make a hundred ppl miserable for a long time by doing the wrong thing. I don't think you want that on your life's dossier. Good luck.

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A male reader, Jerry B Canada +, writes (21 June 2007):

Question to the women who responded saying she should maybe leave. Would your response change if it was a guy saying the same thing? Suppose he said, "Honey, I'm bored of you and I want to go and have sex with lots of younger women."

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007):

thanks for the sensible answers. I just want to make it perfectly clear i have never cheated on my husband or anyone for that matter and please remember that i dont get to right the headline!!!! Also, i have no intention of leaving my children who are under school age. I will look into the therapist thing. Its got to be worth a go!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007):

I sincerely hope he`s got the sense to leave you. I hope he gets twice as many partners as you and has sex with all your friends (if you have any).

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007):

You make the equation of choosing you husband and remaining unhappy, or leaving your husband and finding happiness. Maybe there is another way?

I think ultimately you need to do what is right for you as you can not go on indefinitely trying to make other people happy at your own sacrifice as it will eventually end up hurting everyone involved. Just an idea but have you considered seeing a therapist about why you have these feelings of wanting other men despite loving your husband? From what you write I think you would find the right counsellor very insightful and you will learn a lot behind what is motivating you to leave your marriage. At least if you have given this a try, you can leave the marriage knowing you really did try everything you could to fix things first. All the best with whatever you decide to do.

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (20 June 2007):

eddie agony auntYou're playing with fire. What you're going to get out of this is a hollow existence, based on sex. What you'll be missing is the bond that love and marriage brings. The big picture is so much more than the thrill of sex with new partners. That only lasts for a while and you'll never get to the stage of true love.

I commend you on your honesty. It must have been gut wrenching for your husband to hear that he doesn't fulfill your needs sexually. The fact is, nobody ever will. You will go from man to man and they will use you for the sexual being that you are. They won't respect you though. In the end, you'll end up alone, without your kids, because you chose to chase men for sex.

I'd say you should spend some time in therapy, trying to understand your fear of commitment. Think about what you're giving up and what you'll gain.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (20 June 2007):

eyeswideopen agony auntSeparate. Your husband and children need to move on and perhaps they will be able to find a nice unselfish, MATURE woman to give them the attention they deserve.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007):

I would always say that being happy in life is more important than anything, but besides your husband, you have two kids to consider. They are more important than yours, your husbands or anyone else.

You have to think about what you will be teaching your kids. If you stay with your husband that you say you love but dont want to be married to, then you will be miserable and your kids will see that, and trust me when I say it has an impact on their lives.

If you split up, you will be happy, their father will be unhappy, and you will get to sleep around as you want. Your kids will be happy but will miss their dad, and you have to think about what the kids will think, you bringing different men home all the time.

What will happen the next time you get caught up in the moment and perhaps get married again, then decide it was a mistake and want a divorce again.

What ever you do, someone is going to be hurt. You just have to ensure that its not the kids.

You married your husband because you said you loved him. So whats happened that this love is no longer good enough?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2007):

You say you're not happy being married, indifferently with whom. Why seeing marriage as something that ties you, as a pair of handcuffs? After all, it's just a certificate. Of course, you have extra responsibilities, you must take care of the house, provide a healthy atmosphere for the children and so on. I think you must firstly identify the reason of wanting to have an affair! Is it the fault of boredom at home, your husband is uncaring? Ok, You'll meet another man, and run after speaking of engagements? What kind of life will you choose? Tell us in the first place what makes you unhappy in your current situation...

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A female reader, Missi United Kingdom +, writes (20 June 2007):

Missi agony auntits best to do what makes you happy, and if you feel you will be happier going off with other men then thats your call. It sounds like your husband is a very understanding man and cares about you a big deal, maybe you could talk to him again and ask for a break from one another, because once your out there you may realise you miss him and your kids more than you thought, that way you can see if your making a big mistake or not.

You never said how old you kids were so its hard to know how much it will affect them. If they are old enough to understand how you feel tal to them about it becauswe they are just as involved as you and your husband.

good luck with whatever you choose.

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