A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. I am 24, he is 27. We live together. In the beginning (first year and 4 months), he was always extremely lovey dovey. Always sending cute texts every day, always telling me how much he loves me, etc etc. Whenever he would leave for work or come home from work, he would always give me a kiss and be extremely happy to see me. He would also buy me flowers on a regular basis for no reason at all. He would plan fun things for us to do on the weekends, and he treated me as if I were his world. Things lasted this way for about a year and 4 months. After that we started having a number of problems which put a lot of strain on our relationship. The problems last for about 6 months on and off. Constant fighting and disagreements, breaking up and making up. Well, in December we finally talked everything through and realized we really wanted to make our relationship work. Since then, we haven't been fighting, we're getting along just fine, but something is not right. The incredible love and affection is not quite there anymore. No more goodbye/hello kisses, no sweet texts, no cuddling, no "i love you's". He never initiates sex anymore, he rolls over on his side of the bed at night. We haven't had sex in 42 days. No more flowers. It just seems as though the great romantic I fell in love with is gone. Instead of planning fun things for us on the weekends, he chooses to play basketball with his friends instead.I don't really want to bring this up to him, considering we just got back together and have been getting along. I feel as though this will start a fight and I also don't want him giving me love and affection simply because I'm ASKING for it.What could be going on? I know he is not cheating, he is definitely not the cheating kind, and I ALWAYS know what he is doing.He just started a brand new job in January, could that have something to do with it? Stress from work? A shift in priorities? Or does he simply not feel the same about me anymore? What should I do?
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (24 February 2012):
 We are not inside his head, therefore no outside source can explain his behaviour for you - that is where communication comes in. We can speculate for you, there could be hundreds of reasons why his behaviour has changed - but at the end of the day the only person that KNOWS why his behaviour has changed is your boyfriend. Only he can give you the answers you need.
But if you would like to know why his behaviour has changed, here are some possible causes:
1. He has met another woman through his new job and is falling for her (yes he might not be cheating as you 'know' where he is, but ever thought he might lie to you and pretend he is somewhere else?)
2. All the arguing in the past and the 'on/off' nature of your relationship has taken its toll and he simply does not feel the same for you as he did at the start of the relationship
3. The honeymoon period is over (as happens in most relationships), that intensely romantic period tends to fade naturally as you become more comfortable with each other and you stop 'trying' so hard to impress each other.
There could be a host of other problems (perhaps he is developing a mental health problem - the low sex drive could be a symptom of depression) but as I said before, I am just speculating here and I dont know the real answer - your boyfriend is the only one who knows his own mind.
So what should you do?
I still stand by my first answer - talk to him!! If you want to know why the affection is gone and why you are not having sex anymore, then you have to ask him. Otherwise you are going to spend months and months wondering what is going on, losing your trust in him, losing your own self-esteem - things will go from bad to worse.
I know you dont want to ask him to be more romantic, but if romance is very important to you and he is no longer meeting your needs then you are left with 2 choices - tell him how you feel and explain your problems with the relationship, or leave.
A lot of men can forget about making a woman feel special, they genuinely just get comfortable in the relationship and stop trying so hard. So they need you to talk to them for them to realise that they are not making the effort anymore.
Take my ex for example, we were only aged 23 and 27 at the time we were together, yet our sex life dwindled to having sex maybe once every month/2 months. I hated it, I was so unhappy and I did occasionally try and tell him we should be having more sex etc. However it never got better and I got so fed up with our life together I ended the relationship. And guess what he said? He told me he wished I had made a bigger deal out of it because he didnt realise it meant so much to me.
Sometimes you really do have to make a big deal out of an issue to get through a man's head, they dont understand the importance of romance like women do and to them it is not a big deal if they buy their partner a bunch of flowers or not. So you need to make it clear that is is very important to you and this issue is becoming so serious it is making you question the relationship.
I know this isnt what you want to hear, and you want to find a magic solution where you dont have to say a word and all of a sudden the romance will come back. But that doesnt exist I'm afraid - men need telling sometimes!
Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): I have a similar outlook to yours. It's one thing to mention your needs to your partner. It's another for them to do those things out of true love for you. It has to come from a true place--done freely. If not, then it is a relationship of obligation. I had this problem with my ex. He asked "What do you want from me in this relationship." I told him (and they were really easy things). But he just didn't do them. I kept giving and doing for him because I thought he might learn or take a hint on how to "give". But if a partner is not that interested (for whatever reason), the things you ask them to do will be out of duty and not out of the love they have for you. I'm not sure how to get that back with your guy. I hope you can. But if not, then you might have to consider moving on to someone who can offer you those things. So very sorry...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionK c100, DearCupid created the title for my post, and put more emphasis on the "afraid of starting a fight" aspect of it. That's the least of my concerns. I just wanted to hear from an outside source, why his behavior has changed so drastically. The reason I am so hesitant to bring this up is because I don't want him showing extra love and affection simply because I ASK for it. I want it to come naturally and because it's what he FEELS.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): Why do people think that horrible things can be done and said to their partner, and then finally have some momentous "peace talk" and that should make everything go back to the way it was before the horrible things were done and said?
I'm guessing he just does not feel the same way about you anymore. Negative experiences of an intense or chronic nature tend to color people's perceptions of the other person or situation, some times permanently. When he used to be so lovey dovey in love with you, that was BEFORE he had experienced the nasty side of this relationship.
Now that he has seen that side of you (even if he was part of it), he just can't see you the same way anymore as at the beginning. New information has been added to his brain concerning this relationship, and it just can't be erased like it never existed. He may have chosen to stay with you and make it work, but he's probably seeing it very differently now and has adjusted his expectations and attitudes accordingly, and choosing to stay for different reasons. either that or he has his guard up subconsciously around you.
I think it will just take a lot of time - whereby things are PERMANENTLY better between you two and you don't regress back into old negative patterns - before he may start to feel more positively towards you again.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (23 February 2012):
If you cannot have a conversation with your partner about something that is troubling you through fear of it starting a fight - then you have MAJOR communication problems and this relationship will never work.
Without communication you dont have a relationship, simple as that. If you are unable to talk to each other and raise any concerns in an adult, mature manner then you either need to get relationship counselling or break up, you dont have any other choices.
You cannot sit around unhappy but not talking about it because you are afraid of what might happen, imagine if you stay together and you get married, how are you going to make a marriage work if you cant even talk to him about one problem like this?
The only way to resolve problems like this is by talking, if you cant talk then you are going to sit on these feelings and they will build and build until one day you explode and then you really will have a major fight.
Learn to talk without fighting, or break up. There are no other options for you I'm afriad.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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