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I don't want to be his sex buddy...it's all or nothing for me! Is he a lost cause?

Tagged as: Age differences, Breaking up, Dating, Faded love<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 November 2006) 2 Answers - (Newest, 24 November 2006)
A female , *torme writes:

6 years ago I started a relationship with this guy, I was his first, and due to my insecurities regarding our age, im 9 years older , I eventually broke up with him, to put it bluntly I hurt him a lot, mainly because of my feelings for him and what I thought society would say about us.

Its now six years later, we never stopped talking to each other we have developed a sort of good friendship, and I can easily talk to him about my relationship problems and he shares his experiences with me,all this time making me aware that he still found me attractive, though he knew it was a lost cause that we would ever get together, about 4 months ago, I suddenly realized that though I always loved him, I could be losing the one true guy for me, I had a good long look at myself and decided I was going to go for my own happiness, and society be damned!

So it was a bit of a shock to me that he despite all these years of telling me, he still cared for me, was not overly enthusiastic, we decided to give the relationship a try, it turned out, that after our breakup he became quite indrawn about his feelings and developed a wall, a tank couldn't knock down,he would date girls but he never opened his heart, but he was willing to give it a go with me ( red flag, but I didn't acknowledge it at the time)

We started the relationship thing, but im in love and basically I need emotional feedback, which he is not giving, he tells me that he is not at the same level im at, im all into thinking relationship and he is more like trying to catch up with me, to be fair, when I had my moment of clarity I never told him, I didn't get him used to the idea that I was in love with him, I more or less hit him with a ton of bricks and the announcement that I loved him and was ready for a relationship.

In a nut shell it was a disaster waiting to happen, because we were both working for the same goals at different levels, and we were not working together but apart, and the long and short of it, was that it was a strain for me to wait for him to finally get his head around to us being together, he constantly changing the nature of our relationship ( we were lovers, then dating, then not, then friends) didn't help at all

So he ended it, saying he wasn't happy and that we had issues.

2 weeks later we start talking , that's about a month ago, and since then we have agreed to be friends, something we never truly got to be, learn about each other and work out whatever problems we might have as friends, if that's done and something else develops great, if we cant work our problems out, then its clear as well, but we have decided to go into this 100% which brings me to my problem , as of 2 weeks ago we started having sex, I know its so not a good thing for the friendship we are trying to develop if any thing, it complicates things more, because I still have feelings for him, and I cannot look at us having sex as just sex, and though I have tried and managed successfully sometimes to not sleep with him, I sometimes end up doing so, I don't want to be his sex buddy, I want all or nothing, he seems to think, this is a natural thing and that in time the urge wont be so strong between us.

I am confused, from my point of view he is having his cake and eating it, there is no pressure for him, and for me im being torn up with the feelings I still have for him. part of me cant understand, how we came to this crossroads, he loved me for so long, why is he being so hard headed about his feelings for me, now that I have finally opened up, should I give him up as a lost cause or is there hope for us, and what he truly needs is time? , my sister thinks that we are basically in the same boat as before , just giving it a different name, we are still in the situation of us trying to work something out, except it is as friends instead of lovers, and having sex doesn't help, she would rather we either become friends period or never see each other again, its just not in the cards for us to be together.

View related questions: broke up, his ex, period

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A female reader, storme +, writes (24 November 2006):

storme is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear Rhythmandblues

Thanks for the advice I will try to clear some gray areas, its true I have known him for 6 years, but though we have kept a friendship of sorts, we havent really gotten to know each other, I guess i should truly say we have just kept in contact during the 6 years , updating each other on how we have been doing etc... but not hanging out as friends and trying to get to know each other better.

Regarding working on our goals apart, i meant , that instead of us working together to build a relationship, what happened instead was he would try to work it out by himself, (he is the thinking , loner type of guy,) instead of working it out with me, so I would come up with ideas, and try to run it by him, but he would sometimes listen and sometimes say, he needed to work it out for himself.

Reason why we decided on being friends now as well, as that he wants me to know him as he is , no holds barred, he claims he held his true personality from me in the past, also becouse we did not keep regular contact , we didnt always interact as well as we should have.

He feels that if we do get to do this, there should be no surprises for both of us down the line, but also it gives us the chance to work out our issues with out the pressure of us being together, by issues, I guess the biggest one is that we have communication problems, at times we dont get each other, I personally dont see it as a problem, we are different individuals after all, but he seems to think, we have more communication problems than is normal, and he beleives that partly stems from the fact that we are not attuned to each other, which leads him to beleive we dont know each other as good as we seem to think.

I guess you are right we are trying to work out if we have a future or not, though no one is coming out boldly to say so, and it could be the timing was just simply wrong, but honestly i didnt expect that something like that could happen

I dont want the sexual urge to go, i honestly dont think he does either, but i do think its a farce to say we are just friends when we get our kicks on the side, he seems to think that after a while we will be able to control it, and not tear each others clothes off the minute we see each other, if we never lost our attraction after 6 years despite the fact that we were in other relationships I have a hard time beleiving it will truly ever go away, we have both agreed that we definately have a connection that cant be explained.

I do think I should ask him to step up, but you also said IF the timing is right, for now i dont think it is, I see that he is making an effort, and he is thinking things through, he is opening up to me, and i would like to believe that this change is partly due to the fact, that he hasnt the pressure he had before , he needs to work it out on his own time, my problem is that i dont want to be his sex buddy while he takes his time figuring out what ever he feels he needs to figure out and also i dont know if im just being too impatient or if there really isnt much left to save

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2006):

Hello, after reading this, even I am confused as to what the issues are in this relationship of sorts....it seems to me that you are just over thinking things here.

You have known this guy for 6 years and you say you have never stopped talking to each other, but you have been on again off again partly due to the fact that you did not think he was the one because you are 9 years olders.

Now you have come to a decision that you love him and you can deal with the age gap (which I think is not the problem) but you have been working on your goals apart and things are falling apart....and I don't understand what you mean by that, but it sounds to me that the timing is a bit off for the two of you.

First off, I think friendship and the fact that you are his friend, you are closer than you think to being his wife. Why you say you are working on being friends does not realy compute as if you have known him for 6 years you already are....what you are working out is whether or not you want a future together...as far as the sexual urges subsiding between you goes, that does not sound like what you want or that it would be possible if you are in love.

If you think the timing is right for that, I think you may tell him that you want to be married and you understand if he can't make a committment to you right now, but when does he think he would be ready for that with you? Tell him you want him to step up as a boyfriend and offer you excusivity in a relationship, meaning all or nothing. If he runs at this stage then he is too immature for the relationship and does not want the same thing you want, and then you need to move on and let him go, at least until he wants the same things as you.

There is no need to waste any more time with this relationship if you cannot move forward after this many years. Good Luck to you both.

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