A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do people accept being gay so easily? I'm starting to think I'm gay but I don't want to be. Sure I could pretend to be straight for the rest of my life but I'm not sure if that's what I want but I don't want to lead a gay lifestyle either. I feel so stuck. My family hates gay people and so do my friends and everybody else I can think off. It hurts so much that I cant talk to someone about it even my best friend (girl) who is bisexual but doesn't like gay men for being gay. Most girls are such hypocrites to gay men but have make out sessions with girls everyday. I pisses me off a lot. I'm not in a position where I can leave home and my mom is starting to get suspicious of me and I think some of my friends even though I've never been with guys. She keeps wanting to know why I'm not seeing a girl or never have. I dot know if I'm ready to come out or if I'm really gay but as I get older i feel like im being backed in a corner as have to make a decision sooner or later. No i dont live somewhere where you can go to a gay support club or retreat. I'm pretty much alone. If i was sure i was gay I guess I would just be gay but i;m not sure so I feel compelled that I have to experiment with men in order to find out even though I dont want to and I dont think I want to be with girls either. Where i live being gay can get you killed and whenever the topic of homosexuality comes up in my area people just say the dumbest stuff as if their intelligent drops a few bars down. I recent discovered that i liked men ever since i was around 6-7. I didn ask for this but people dont see that way. Who can i tell? Should i tell my best friend and hope for the best I fel like im going to explode. I told my sister once that I might be bi a few years ago. She seemed ok-ish with it but after talking about it for a few days she never brought it up again and now all she ever does is talking about when I'm getting married and if I have a girlffriend as if our conversation didnt happen. I feel so alone. I've tried apps like grindr but hooking up with total strangers just doesn't seem right, at least for the moment. Help.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (8 May 2014):
Dear OP,
If you are in the right place and with the right people, being gay can actually be tons of happiness. If you keep hiding from the gay world and hating yourself, you won't create a supporting environment. You will silently suffer and think the reason is being gay. But being gay is not the reason. Being gay and having to hide it, while staying in an unsupportive place in life, that is the reason.
My advice is to seek for support. Learn to accept yourself by talking to other gay people. Maybe grindr or another app could be used to get to know gay guys, without hooking up (I don't have the app, so I don't know)? Also, learn something about what it means to be gay, by reading about it, watching movies (you can do that on a computer if you're too afraid to go to the library). If you know that many others feel the same, you will be less ashamed and self-destructive.
You are a valuable, lovely person, no matter if you like men or women. If you can accept yourself, then you can start to be open about your wishes and desires and you'll be able to cope with negative reactions. If you open up in a state of fear and self-hatred, chances are other people will try to talk you out of being gay, or you will take their criticism too seriously and feel inferior and damaged.
From the way you write, I would guess that you are indeed gay and that you'll be very happy once you are in a better place. If your town is such a horrible place, what's keeping you there? And what price will you pay, over the years, for staying? You are not a tree, my friend, you can leave a town you don't like. You live in the USA, there are plenty of gay friendly cities. If you ever find a good boyfriend there, you will thank yourself for all the trouble you've been through and just enjoy the feeling of being in the right place. What others say and think about you doesn't really matter once you are happy.
I know it's going to be a journey, it's not going to be overnight that you will feel good about this. But it's worth to take step after step in a better direction. Good luck!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 May 2014):
 You're full of crap. There's no such thing as a "gay lifestyle" any more than there's a straight lifestyle. And I don't think I've ever heard of there being such a thing. And even if there was, who would FORCE you to live your life in any way you don't want to yourself????
So, you're full of crap and illusions and hysteria, if I may be so blunt. Knock it off and snap out of it. If you're gay it doesn't mean ANYTHING other than you like the idea of being with a man more so than a girl. Whatever else you do with your life is up to you, not your sexuality.. Sheezes.
And as for your friends and family being homophobic discriminators (because you need to face it, they are), well thats their problem. They need to work through that. I realize it'll be hard for you to be honest about who you are under these circumstances, but it is what it is. You know? You can't suddenly decide to be something you're not just because it would suit your friends and family better.
I never quite understood how someone can call themselves a friend when they despise what or who their supposed friend is. I never got that. I don't understand how someone would WANT to be friends with someone like that either. But that's just me, I guess. I've seen people in your situation before, so heaven knows you're not the only gay man with homophobic friends. In church (I'm in a gay church btw) we have several who have "friends" in other churches who prays for them to become straight and who believe they are living in sin and are always on their backs about their sinful minds... How these people can be called friends is beyond me. But I guess it is so because.. well, they do want to help, it's just that they don't actually understand that they're not helping... They're clueless. Dumb. Ignorant. And I guess, we should all just pity their ignorance instead of holding them accountable for it.
So you're stuck in a place with people who wont ever accept you for who you are. Solution? You need to face facts, even the ugly ones. They wont accept you. Certainly not as long as you don't even accept it yourself and keep it hidden. I am a firm believer than coming out and being visible in the community is the ONLY way to make people realize homosexuals aren't misfits, but normal in a society. However, I wouldn't ask you to risk your life for it. Instead, I would highly recommend that you move. Move to a bigger city, where homosexuality is accepted as a normality, and not an abnormality. Find true friends there who don't judge you based on such a small part of your identity as your sexuality.
Then, once you've moved away, and are in a safe place where your life wont be at risk, tell your family and so called friends.
I just decided to leave my job because they don't believe homosexuals are equal to heterosexuals. It's an on going battle in every part of the world, and I'm not asking that everyone fight in this battle. But I do ask that you stick up for yourself. If you don't, then who will?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): I am a gay man, and I will try and see if we can figure this out. I read your post twice, before I began to write my response. I have been exactly where you are right now.
Let's start from here: "I recent discovered that i liked men ever since i was around 6-7"
That is about the age that I discovered I was attracted to men. I had a different feeling when I observed male features and physiology, versus female features. My older sister and I used to watch a music and dance show, called "American Bandstand." Teenage couples paired off and would dance on camera to the latest hits. Then pop-stars would make guest appearances and perform on the show.
We picked out the cutest guys, and she always seemed to agree with my taste. She noticed I was better at picking out cute guys than she was. So I got uncomfortable about it and completely stopped. I didn't seem to examine the girls as closely as the boys. I couldn't have been more than eight. The feelings continued until I was old enough to realize that I was different. I kept all my feelings to myself. Just as you are. Years later, I have come out to my family. It was not difficult. They basically knew all along. I never married.
If you can look back so far and remember these feelings; it is a good chance you know you are gay. I understand that it's very hard to accept. Only because it is impossible under the circumstances to be open about it. For now, it is your secret. However; you've shared your secret with us. It should give you some inner-peace.
I grew up in a very Catholic and religious family. Although gay was never really an open topic. I was just warned not to let older men touch me inappropriately. My parents were not the kind of people that taught us to be cruel or intolerant. Just to avoid sin and sinners. Choose to be kind and forgiving. That was pretty hard to do through high school. Every move you make is scrutinized by your peers.
Seems like everyone had gay-dar. They picked on the timid or delicate boys. They knew my older brothers were muscular jocks; so I was protected by their popularity for the most part. However; you can't stop rumors or teasing. Guys are always searching for your soft-spots. A reason to make life miserable for you in junior and senior high.
I didn't get physically bullied; because I could kick ass.
I wasn't aggressive. I just didn't stand for being pushed around. I guess my brothers brought that out in me.
Girls considered me cute. So they flirted with me all the time. I was somewhat a nerd, so I hid behind books. I played along with getting female attention; until I found my "beard," Cynthia. She was a tall pretty girl; but had strict parents, who were religious fundamentalist. So I couldn't have been safer. We dated my senior year. She went away to college. All we ever did was kiss and dry-hump. We never took our clothes off. Hormones took over. So I needed a release. I did whatever; just because I was horny. Later, I decided to go the whole-nine. Get naked and see what sex was all about. Older girls were more than willing to show me. I had to be seen with women; when I joined the military. Eventually I think my buddies had suspicions.
They eventually figured me out. They teased, but seemed comfortable; and got touchy-feely. Just to let me know, I could be myself, but no funny-business. I had to set boundaries. I wasn't their token-queer, they could play with and act out their curiosities. Possibly subject me to military-investigation. I had to fly below radar, and I needed them to keep my secret. I never admitted to it.
I didn't deny it either. Later year, that became the rule.
"Don't ask, don't tell." Now you can be openly gay.
They never gave me away. Buddies to the end. Gay was not accepted when I was enlisted. You'd get dishonorably discharged. Although we were there by the hundreds. In the closet. Tough and proud. Real men. Yes, some got caught and kicked out.
I had a gay cousin; there was a "hush" about it. He was such a nice guy, and very attractive. He was very intelligent as well. I never asked him about being gay; but felt really relaxed around him. In fact, family quietly accepted him; but his "little secret" was never mentioned out-loud. My older brothers used to tease and hit me; to make me aggressive enough to fight back. They said if I didn't get tough, big guys at school would think I was like my cousin, and beat me up. Yet they never picked on my cousin. They seemed really stiff and uncomfortable; but relaxed after the tension wore-off.
I dated and had sex with girls before I decided to be true to myself, and get what I really wanted. It was very hard admitting to myself that I couldn't be both physically and emotionally attracted to females. Going through the motions for acceptance. Just to get-off. Not because it came natural to me. It was for the sake of others.
If I had sex with them, I didn't try to form an emotional-bond or relationship. I didn't want to be committed, or pretend I was a straight man. I knew that wasn't so. I had to be free. I went through stages. I just wouldn't let being me become a reason to hate myself. I
refuse to allow people that much power over me. Although, there was a period in my younger years I had little choice.
I was very conflicted. I didn't want to upset my family,and I felt ashamed. Yet I decided to stop denying it to myself. Like you did, I felt imprisoned in my own mind and body.
I couldn't tell anyone, I had yearnings and feelings I couldn't act upon. I was terrified for the fate of my soul. In spite of all of this. I could no longer be trapped inside of myself. I only had sex with a man once, when I was serving in the military. He was 26, I was 18.
He was so beautiful, and had the greatest body. He somehow got me alone, and told me he caught me looking at him. I was terrified. He said it was okay. He put my hands on his chest and leaned in to kiss me. Then I knew for sure. I preferred men. It felt right. I also had a wonderful friend my age. We met before I joined the service. We stayed in touch as best friends through college. We attended different schools. We didn't come out to each other until later; but he became my lover and partner for life.
You feel terrible about yourself; because you are fighting with the truth. It's not those on the outside; so much as the frustrated spirit within you. You hate lying to yourself; because of other people. Knowing you didn't choose it. The feelings grew inside you very naturally; and it's becoming psychologically established as your sexual-orientation. No matter how much you fight it, it just remains there; and keeps your mind busy.
That's why you feel so troubled, confused, and trapped. It's hard to comprehend and accept being who you are; while fearing others will hate you for it. You are who you are. Ever since you could remember, you've had these feelings. You can suppress them, but they don't go away.
I disagree that you are in a situation that you cannot remove yourself. You are a grown man, between 22-25 years old. That is old enough to decide where you want to live and how you want to live. If you allow your present surroundings to hold you hostage; you have to take the blame for that. It will wear you to frazzle. You will come undone. The pressure is already too much for you. You're getting depressed. That is unhealthy.
You can only be who you are, when you set a goal to move and establish your life elsewhere. Save up your money, and move to another town or another state. A place where you are not known; and you can establish your own way of life. Your family cannot rule your feelings or dictate your sexual-orientation.
You don't have to come out to anyone you don't want to; and you don't have to come out until you are ready to. Nor do you have to prove yourself. You will end-up trying to marry some woman, ruining her life, and being discovered anyway.
I've seen it happen only too many times over. I hate when men do that to women. It pisses me off so much, I can't put it in words. Marrying someone behind a complete lie!
Your story isn't much different from most other gay people.
Homophobic family members, an intolerant community, and perhaps a town where everyone knows everyone's business.
That should be your motive to move away; whatever your sexual-orientation may be.
Sorry, but I'm not buying the excuse you can't move away.
You're afraid to get out on your own.
To start, find yourself a college-town with a lot of student-activity and people from all over. You need to be around people who are more educated. You need to educate yourself as well. Take some courses. If you aren't currently a student, or don't have a degree.
You need to be around younger people, and a place where people constantly come and go. Living in your old neighborhood; just invites people who know you, to get too much into your business. It only makes you more isolated within yourself, and that's driving you crazy.
It also gives them too much access and opportunity to keep record of all your activities; comings and goings. Who you're with. That's when they start asking too many questions. That's your fault! You're too complacent and you've stuck around too long. So your life is an open-book, and everyone wants to read it. Get your own apartment if nothing else. If you have to rent just a small efficiency, at least an hour's drive from your old neighborhood. Then find a job closer if you must. Jobs are hard to find. You can remain where you work for the time being, and start saving money.
When people want out of a situation bad enough; they find a way. I guess it's time to grow-up and be yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): This country has come a long way but it still makes me sad when I hear things like this. I am a 100% straight male but have quite a few gay and lesbian friends. I really do not make much of a distinction between my gay/lesbian friends and my straight friends because they're all just my friends. We all pick on each other of course, my gay friends call me a "breeder" and I call them "fags" but we always know we're playing.It might sound odd but I have actually wished on many occasions that I could be gay or bisexual just because my gay friends seem to enjoy close relationships and I can identify with them on so many other levels. But, I can't make myself gay anymore than my friends can make themselves straight so we're all sort of stuck with the way we are.But anyway, I agree with some of the other responses and think you should get away to a place where you can discover who you are without having to worry about being something someone else thinks you should be. Just remember, whenever you find yourself, don't judge those who are different from you. There are many, many great, intelligent, nonjudgmental people on both sides of the sexuality issues and someday intelligence really win out over stupidity, it's classic "survival of the fittest."
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (6 May 2014):
If you think you may be gay, what does that mean to you? I assume it means you're not attracted to women and you are attracted to men. So why wouldn't you want to be gay if that is what you feel you are?
I'm also going to guess that it's because you're afraid, and I don't blame you. I don't know what a "gay lifestyle" means to you, but you don't have to be flamboyant, just be yourself. Do what makes you happy.
The best solution you and thousands of people in your situation is to move somewhere more accepting. Where you can be yourself, whatever that is, without fear.
I'm from Seattle and most people here could care less who you choose to love or marry. There are also gay communities in some other cities.
So then the trick becomes figuring out how to move somewhere else. You need to get a job or two, work your ass off and save some money. Save 3-4 thousand and find a roommate online. You can get an inexpensive room in Seattle for about $400/mo. Then, find a job, or go to school.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 May 2014):
 As a gay female, I can relate. But only so far. I didn't grow up in a super conservative town where people bashed gay people. And all of my closest friends turned out, ironically, to be gay, themselves. I came out of the closet when I was in college, and no one gave a damn. In fact, everyone was wondering what took me so long. But once again, this was a different location and with people who are liberal and don't blindly hate people for no reason.
If I had to guess, you're most likely from a small, rural town? If this is true, I do feel for you, as being gay can really be rough and possibly dangerous (sadly) for gay guys and girls, alike. I think it's about time you saved up some money and relocated and started over. Because you're never going to be comfortable being yourself in a place that hates you for being who you are. This may even mean making new friends, etc.
My ex was from a small, one traffic light town, and she got constant hell from people about her sexuality. She finally moved to a big city where no one gave a damn. She made gay friends and became completely comfortable with herself. No one even batted an eye when she came out to them. Believe me when I say, most places are like that. Where you live is a minority. And it may not even be where you live. It may just be your immediate social circle. Maybe you just happened to pick really conservative friends. It may be time to make new friends. Because being gay and being good friends with people who hate gay people doesn't seem like a good mix.
There's nothing wrong with being gay. It's not a bad thing at all. The thing that's making it seem so bad is the ignorant people around you who hate gay people for no reason and make you second guess yourself. Make you think and feel that it's wrong.
I hate the term "gay lifestyle." Because that's directly insinuating that being gay is a lifestyle. Dating the opposite sex isn't deemed a "straight lifestyle." Well neither is dating the same sex. It doesn't categorize me or sum me up anymore than a straight persons sexuality sums them up. My sexuality isn't my personality. I'm so many things. I'm a law student, bartender, friend, daughter, honest, caring, sincere PERSON. And nowhere do I feel the need to put gay person in there to identify myself. And I don't live a "gay lifestyle." I just happen to like girls.
Anyway, I feel that you somewhat hate the idea of accepting yourself as gay because of the things you're hearing around you. You're letting these ignorant people get the better of you and convince you that you shouldn't be gay and it's wrong. Or that you're feeling that you need to be someone you're not. Don't ever be afraid to be who you are. Being gay is NOT wrong and it's really not that hard, either. It's hard only when you let it be. Only when you become your own worst enemy and you allow others to make you ashamed of who you are. Don't let them. Never let anyone make you feel ashamed of who you are. Being gay and coming out has made me incredibly strong. I've grown a thick skin. One that no one can penetrate. I'm fiercely loyal to myself and no one can make me feel bad about who I am. And if they try, I just feel sorry for them because they are the misguided ones. They are the judgmental ones who don't even know me yet pass judgment. Being gay has made me comfortable in my own skin in a way I may never have been otherwise. It's taught me to stand up for myself and the things I believe in. It's also given me an appreciation for all other walks of life. I'm accepting and loving of all people now because I know personally what it feels like to be judged and hated for no reason. It's made me a very solid and well-rounded person. And I love who I am.
As I said, I think you would find a drastic change in happiness if you relocated to a place that's more accepting of homosexuality. Or at least if you found new friends that are accepting. Once you become comfortable with who you are, then come out to your family and the friends you have now, if you still wish to keep them around. At that point, if they didn't accept you, you'd be in a much better place to handle it, as you'd have a support system to fall back on.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 May 2014):
 I think your best "bet" is to find a LGBT group so you have others to talk to, who might feel the same. If you don't want to do it in person, look up some LGBT boards and find people to talk to through there.
For you to be "pissed" over what girls do or not do isn't helping you. I comes off as jealousy more then being upset.
IT IS OK to not be sure what you prefer or even not be KEEN on being gay. However, IT MIGHT be who you are sexually. YOU might just not be ready for it.
I have a few male gay friends and one female gay friend. Some of my other friends were bi-sexual in their youth but no longer "practice" being bi-sexual. THEY are still bi-sexual though. YOU sexuality isn't a choice.
There is no SET way a gay man should behave.
Living in a (sorry) ignorant place with ignorant people can't be easy if you feel you are NOT like everyone else.
You say you aren't sure how you feel, you say you aren't in a position to move elsewhere. So for now you are stuck not being sure and living in a place where homosexuality is a "sin".
I can't imagine this is easy at all. I'm, glad I grew up in a country that is more accepting then the US and around people who could see a person for who they are, not just for who they prefer in a private sexual situation.
I would hold off on telling your best friend til you feel more certain about how you feel. Look up some LGBT boards, talk to people who are in the same situation, find a way for YOU to be OK with who you are and WHAT you like.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (6 May 2014):
 Hi,
There are other options besides gay and bi. You may be asexual and just not want sex with any gender.
Do you feel attracted to men or women?
Whatever you are or decide I wish you the best of luck. Life is hard enough without the added sexual pressure, we and other people place on us.
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