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female
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*ightAngel
writes: My on/off boyfriend of almost 3 years cheated on me about 2-3 months ago but supposedly they didn't do anything sexually (I never really believed that).. so I forgave him, and things have been steady since. But I haven't forgotten. Jokingly, I stole his phone, and he got all serious and told me not to go through it, and got a little defensive, so I became a little scared. What does he have to hide? I went through his phone, found some images I didn't really like (mainly of him..naked), and went through his texts. I told him about it when I found one of a girl saying they haven't hooked up in months and wanted to get together sometime, and that kind of stuffs. He said the reference in 'hooking up' meant hanging out. And that she liked him, but they haven't done anything. He became really mad, but comforted me. I feel really bad, so I let him go through my phone. I don't want there to be any secrets, how can I get through this?
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female
reader, starfairy  + ♥, writes (23 August 2009):
 Hmmm alarm bells are ringing...I don't think he's being honest with you.
Do you have naked photos on your phone of yourself?
If you do who would you send them to apart from your boyfriend?
Has he been sending you those photos?
I rest my case...Ditch the loser x
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  + ♥, writes (23 August 2009):
 This guy is lying to you. Use common sense. We all know what 'hooking up' means, and the more rediculous the story is, the more obvious his lies are. If it was just her liking him and just them hanging out, there wouldn't be naked pictures of himself on his phone. He already cheated on you (which I highly doubt it was nothing sexual), and if everything on his phone was so innocent, then he would let you look through it without any problems. It's one thing to not want someone snooping through your privacy, but it's another to be totally defensive and not allow you to even touch his phone.
You know what you need to do. You need to break things off with him permanently. He can say all he wants to comfort you, but he's still going to do what he wants. And what he wants is to not be committed to one person. You can't change him, so you do one of two things. You either accept how he is and continue to lie to yourself, which I promise will result in your unhappiness. Or you can get rid of him, which may hurt a while, but at least you'll be able to find someone that respects you. So make a choice!
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (23 August 2009):
 If they did nothing sexually how did he cheat? I get there are boundary violations, and degree's of deceit, but where do you draw the line? Who does he send his picture to? Hooking up for me implies that it is time to let him go. However he chooses to define it. It's too late to impose a no secrets rule. I would think in a committed relationship no secrets is a given. Especially after three years.
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A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (23 August 2009):
 It seems to me that your basic issue is not secrecy but trust. He tells you that he did not cheat on you sexually, but you don't believe him. You "steal" his phone and he panics. You prove him right by going through his phone, thereby violating his privacy. He, unfortunately, justifies your violation by keeping nude photographs of himself on his phone, that, presumably, were taken for someone else. He assures you again that although there was yet another girl in his life, nothing happened sexually. Again, you don't believe him. You call him your on/off boyfriend, which suggests to me that this kind of thing has been going on for quite a while.
So the question both of you need to ask of yourselves is this: do you love each other and want to be together, and if so, can you trust each other without spying on each other. If the answer to all questions is "Yes", then I think you have a chance to make this relationship work. If not, perhaps it would be better to put this relationship behind you and give yourselves the chance to find partners that you can love, respect AND trust.
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