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I don't want sex to become a duty!

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 September 2017) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 September 2017)
A female Australia age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I have polycystic ovary syndrome. If often means my hormones are all over the place. Sometimes I want sex and sometimes I really don't want sex. But my long term boyfriend naturally has a higher sex drive than me and seems to take it really personally when I don't want sex. I'd rather say no than go through with it just to satisfy him because that's not what I want from a relationship. Any tips fro anyone in a similar position or otherwise? It's making me miserable because I don't want to upset him yet I don't want to have sex as a duty

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (14 September 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to sit down and talk to him. While I agree that sex and passion is an important part off a relationship, so is communication and not doing something just to please your partner. If you start having sex just to please him you will resent him and sex. You need to be able to tell him how you are feeling. If you cannot do that then maybe you both need to go to therapy together? He needs to be able to understand your needs as well as his own.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

YouWish agony auntI have Polycystic Kidney Disease and a kidney transplant. Some of the cysts are also on my liver, small intestine, pancreas, and ovaries. Needless to say, I, too, have to deal with wonky hormones, strange periods, and enough medication to choke a horse.

I have a LOT that can interfere with my sex life. I've had to adjust or change medication that screwed with my sex drive, screwed with my metabolism, and messed with my ability to experience orgasm. Sex means a GREAT deal to me, so I went to the doctor and treated any sexual dysfunction like it was its own major symptom.

My point is, while you should be allowed to say no without his pressure or emotional blackmail, sex isn't just about hormones. Even if you were to break up with him and be with someone else, this issue would still remain. YES, talk to your boyfriend and keep explaining (they need a LOT of repetition, lots and lots, and lots, and lots, and...LOL) that it isn't him. Meanwhile, his drive is telling him to have sex with anything that moves. You can find a happy medium, AND you can work with a doctor and even a dietitian to increase your energy and stabilize your fluxing hormones and metabolism. If you're dealing with the PCOS symptom of weight gain, that can leech your sex drive as well by just fatigue alone! That is something you can control if you make it a priority.

Also, KEGELS KEGELS KEGELS and more KEGELS. If you were getting more out of sex, you'd want it more! People who don't orgasm through sex tend not to want it! NEVER fake an orgasm. If your boyfriend has gotten selfish, or you're faking it to get it over with, stop right now. That's a spiral you DO NOT want.

Sex is more than hormones. It's mind, body, soul, a discipline. Think about it! Let's say, instead of sex, your boyfriend wanted to give you a luxurious 1-hour foot massage every night, you'd LOVE THAT because it feels good! Good sex is better than that foot massage! The moment when you shudder and the orgasm rips right through you is one of the most sublime things to share with someone. (SORRY TO THE MODS if that's too graphic! I actually typed something more graphic and censored myself!)

So deal with your boyfriend's pushiness, but also deal with your hormones medically. It's a symptom every bit as important as irregular periods, heavy flow, metabolism stuff, medicine side effects, and all that! Your long-term happiness depends on it!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (11 September 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt That may be a stupid question, but , have you told him what you tell us ? have you explained him what exactly your syndrome is, and which symptoms it entails ? .. As a matter of fact, your bf ( and you ) sort of got lucky, you say that your sexual desire ebbs and flows, shows peaks and valleys ( as it happens, btw, to most people , no matter what's their health state ). But in about 30% of people with your syndrome , their thyroid gets directly affected and messed up, causing a *constant* lack of libido and low desire. So, it could be worse !

Tbh I can't see how a reasonable ( and loving, caring ) bf would have a hard time in understanding that your sexual " moods " are not something personal against him, and do not mean at all rejection or adversion , they are just a consequence of a condition that's not your fault and that, I sippose, you are already trying to manage at the best of your, and your doctors', abilities.

If you were , say, blind, he would not complain that you did not notice at once his new haircut ; and if you had arthritis, he would not sulk because when he wants to go dancing some times you have to say no !

This is kind of the same thing, so if he takes it " really personally " - either he has not been well informed about your condition and does not quite get what you deal with; or else ( hopefully that's not the case ) he does not give a fart, and only cares about being sexually serviced and satisfied, whatever you may feel about it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntTalk to him?

It really IS the best way to go about it. Sexy shouldn't become a chore or a "duty". No one OWES sex to their partner.

While it is normal that sex can become a bit routine over the years, it's really up to the COUPLE to find what works for BOTH of them. And the way to do that... IS talking about it and compromising ( both of you).

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