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I don't want our relationship to end on this sour note. What can I do?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Faded love, Friends, Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 February 2011) 3 Answers - (Newest, 3 February 2011)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I was in an odd relationship, I dated a wonderful girl for 1.5 years. We lived together, we had great and bad times, but we loved each other. She moved to Georgia after college to be with her family. I stayed in Wisconsin for I had a job and house.

I lost my job, she asked me to move down, I still had the house and had to keep the house in WI, and ultimately took the advice of family and friends, and pursued a dream to live in Chicago, opposed to move by her.

I told her 1 year in Chicago and we would be together, she understood but was upset. She visited once, then the rest was over phone calls, text and email...daily.

After 6 months, she felt me pulling away, and reacted by telling me how much she loved what we had, and will be moving back in a few months, I held on to this. When my lease was due in September, I asked her the plan, she said she will be back in February, and I resigned my lease to remain in Chicago for year 2.

I felt her slipping away.

Come November, I knew she kissed a guy, she said it wont happen again, they kept hanging out, and I put the press on.

Sent her flowers, sent her Christmas card, called often, sent her jokes, we kept talking...but she told me in January, what I didn't want to hear...she was staying in Georgia and going to see this guy even though he was deploying for 4 months.

He was there, they get along, and I was not there.

I lost it, I was heartbroken, I have never felt this bad about my decision, and regreted Chicago, my job, and felt I sabotaged the relationship.

I told her I was on my way, I will move to GA now and drop the job and city and wanted to make a go...she said I don't want GA, I need to figure out what I want to do.

I left her with a goodbye email, thanking her for the memories and let her know we are best friends and call anytime...she thanked me. Eight days went by and that wasn't what I wanted to say, so with advice from people, I called and pushed to just see her, obviously to express myself in person. She said it was not fair to the new guy overseas...

I pushed again and I know the call came across as creepy. I now hurt my last memory with her, she called and said lets stop talking, I agreed and said if I ever see her again I will hug her, I'm sorry, have a good night.

I then wrote an email explaining my case why this wasn't fair to me, and if she loved me she would have understood why I needed chicago and basically hit her with a sales pitch as to why I am hurt and why she should feel bad...

I feel like a creep, I am not, I know Im not but I was confused, so many differnt opinions coming in....

And now her last memory of me is this desperation email...I feel awful about it, I want to say I'm sorry but dont want to keep contacting her...

I have regret for that last email more than I do of us breaking up...

What do I do?

Do I send an apology? Do I apologize in 2 months? Do I just leave it and let it go? I believe I am fine moving on....but I regret my last couple moves, I should have left it with the nice email saying goodbye...any help? I appreciate it.

View related questions: best friend, christmas, flowers, heartbroken, text

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A female reader, AllRiledUp010 United States +, writes (3 February 2011):

AllRiledUp010 agony auntWell, you could keep contact, but only as a friend. Try calling her or sending her an email every couple of weeks to a month, but it would be best to leave any signs of the past relationship to fade away. Bringing it up may get her upset, or give her the image that you still miss that point in time. Just be friends; ask her typical things like "How are you?" or "How is Georgia?" Things like that will give her the idea that you want to move on just being friends. If you know she still wants to be just friends, try that out. If she wants to be cut off, let her; There is no reason to interfere once she's burnt out.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for the answer, awesome help! I was trying to come to terms with that, and that helped, I agree it is best....but...can I ever reach out to her and say I'm embarrased for not acting as mature as I should have? I was very very hurt and acted like a kid, never before have I felt that way. And atleast let her know I didn't really mean I would talk to her when I didn't care about her anymore? I will always care, but in a platonic fashion. Any contact? Ever?

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A female reader, AllRiledUp010 United States +, writes (2 February 2011):

AllRiledUp010 agony auntHi, it's definitely clear that you're in a tight situation. I may be young, but I've seen this before in neighbors, friends, cousins, etc. It sounds like you and this woman had a wonderful, strong relationship before she moved. It's the same between friends. I was close with a guy that I'd known since preschool, and we were due to get together. Then I found I was moving to Georgia as well. The distance seemed too great, and the only method of communication we had was Facebook. When that became a distraction during studies, we called it off. It's a natural thing for two people, separated by distance of states, to slowly lose what they originally had. Long distance relationships are very hard. I don't want to sound like Johnny RainCloud, but your girlfriend, (or ex possibly) may be trying to tell you it's over. If she really loved you, she wouldn't be seeing another guy; the situation might just be tough for her to grip, and telling you goodbye first-hand would be a crushing blow. Now that she is in a different area, it's a wake-up call that she'll be moving on quite soon. So should you. Sometimes holding on to the past will ruin your future, and you'll be locked in a case of the memories you had, and later, a state of depression. Don't give up what you've worked hard for! Stay with your job and house; It wouldn't be worth risking them for someone who has most likely let go already. I hope this helps!

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