A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I split up 3 months ago. We have 2 children together that he still sees regular;y. I didnt want to split and I still love him but we argued too much and our relationship became so toxic it had to end. But now his ex-fiance, who he was with for 7 years before he left her, has now become single and has got back in touch with my ex. They share the same friendship circle and see each other regularly within their group of friends. I have also found out that they have been personally messaging each other, although these messages seem very innocent and just as friends, I still find it uncomfortable. My ex was engaged to this woman and although he broke it off in the end, hes made no secret of how she was 'the one' and how happy she made him. In rows before hes even told me he wished he never left her. In contrast, their relationship was very different to ours. They had no children and no money worries they were always on holiday or doing things every weekend with friends. Our relationship was troubled with so much disagreements and arguments over money, job losses, the children etc etc. He said I pushed him towards depression and I feel like he did to me too. I think the decision to split was right but I am now terrified that he is going to get back with his ex. We live in a small town and they have large circle of mutual friends, whom many of which I am friends with too but have had to distance myself from in order to try and move on. The paranoia of him getting back with her has turned me into someone I dont recognise. I have become so full of hate for this girl I have even messaged her when I found out she was back in touch with my ex, just a load of abuse of which I am now embarrassed. Im constantly thinking up situations of the two of them of which I have no evidence and then I start to accuse him of trying to get back with her and wanting her back which then causes us major rows. It has taken over my life and turned me into a psycho. On the weekends that he doesnt have our children and I know that him and his ex are at the same event or party, I cannot cope and have to drink to get through it, even with my kids with me. I cannot bare the thought of him going back to her and being happy whilst thinking of me as his 'worst relationship ever'. I also cannot begin to imagine him and her bringing my children up as the happy family that we should have been. That very thought brings tears to my eyes. He has told me that he has no intention of getting back with her but I dont know what to think. Also, when he first got with me he hated her and told me so many things about her that she wouldnt want repeated. But now hes friends with her again he just expects me to accept that and forget all these things hes told me about her. My head is a mess and Im so confused. Im 35 and hes 38
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2019): I feel for you I really do, no matter the bad times he is the father of your children and it is very early days with the split.I have been where you are in that I knew the father of my child was going to move on and there was nothing I could do about it.We all make mistakes and at the moment you are in a bad place and acting out of character. Forgive yourself but as of now you focus on your children, you surround yourself with people close to you,you stop drinking and especially around the children and you take each day at a time. Feelings are very raw, give yourself the space to grieve, dont look her or him up, work on feeling better.He looked at her with rose tinted glasses she is an ex for a reason regardless you simply cannot control what he will or wont do what matters is that you take care of yourself and your children, you hold your head up high and in time things will calm down and you will view things in a different perspective.Take care of yourself and as your age is irrelevant,I met the man I'm with now at 44 years old, thought I would never get over my ex but life has a way of working out how its supposed to.If you and him are ever meant to reconcile it will happen, if not it wasn't meant to be x
A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (17 May 2019):
Pull yourself together woman. You've got kids to think of here. Drinking yourself to oblivion over something that may or may not happy is crazy.
Think about it. If it wasn't her, you'd feel the same with him getting with someone else.
You are behaving like a crazy ex. Stop it. Show better example to your kids and have some dignity.
Wish him well, live your life privatley and move on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (16 May 2019):
 Just because you had a relationship with him does not mean you have any claim over him now you have split up. You two will always have a connection through the lovely children you created together; however, that does not mean you have any right to tell him how to lead his life going forward.
He MAY get back with the ex; he may NOT. Either way, it is none of your business. Your priority should be your children's well-being. Carry on getting drunk when you are responsible for them and the thing you fear most is far more likely to happen - you will lose the children and their father (and whoever his new girlfriend is) WILL probably be bringing them up because they will be removed from your care. I know you are hurting but PLEASE wake up before you lose your children. Getting drunk will change nothing - except your ability to keep your children safe. They deserve their mother to be there for them.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (16 May 2019):
 OP, time to take responsibility and get professional help. This is raw and you need proper support. No more drinking, especially while your kids are home - need motivation for that? Read up on the struggles of children who grew up around alcohol abuse. You do NOT want that for your children.
Stop checking up on him. Get professional help.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 May 2019):
 You need to get a grip. Your kids need looking after right now and to drink in their presence is horrific. If you need help then you need to speak to friends/family or a councillor. You have NO right to comment on who he decides to pursue romantically and you need to accept that. Even if he does get back with her, so what? It’s his life! He can do whatever he wants.
What would happen if word got out about your pity drinking sessions? You could potentially lose your children if you were deemed unfit. Would you honestly risk that over the sake of someone who IS NOT a good match for you romantically? That makes no sense. The fact that you’ve broken up shows that there is someone out there that you are MUCH MORE compatible with. This isn’t the end of the world so don’t act like it.
Get your chin up and remember that you will get through this. First things first, quit the drinking and be a responsible parent!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2019): I can understand why you are hurt about the breakup and that you would be very hurt by the ex and he getting back together. Unfortunately, you have no control over if they do or do not start dating again. It may be that there is nothing at all to worry about and that they will never get back together but just remain friends. It may also be that they were a good match, still love each other, and will end up together for the rest of their lives. Neither of these scenarios has anything to do with you, or your kids, and is not anything you have any control over either, no matter if it hurts your feelings or not. I think you may need to see a therapist or counselor and talk through your feelings on this. Once you can work through your unresolved feelings for your ex, I think you will start to feel less hurt and offense at any new relationship he may get into, but it will take time and effort on your part. This effort is very well worth it though, since it will allow you to put your children's wellbeing ahead of your insecurities. (Yes, these feelings of dread all come from insecurity, understandably!)I think you are doing the right thing by limiting contact with him and his friends that may trigger these feelings for now, but you of course have to see him on some sort of regular basis at some point, like drop off/pick up of kids, birthdays, holidays, and things like that. When these awful feelings and fantasies take hold of you, try to switch your line of thinking to your children, and how much they will benefit by you and your ex having a good cordial relationship. Again, please find a counselor, therapist, clergyperson, someone who can help guide you through this, as I don't think anyone should do that alone. I am so sorry for the loss of your relationship, and wish you the best going forward. Stay strong and take the high road!R
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 May 2019):
 Whether he gets back with her or not is OUT of your control and really... NON of your business. YOU can't dictate WHO he can date, be friends with, sleep with, get in a relationship with.
JUST like HE can't DICTATE who you at some point might date, be friends with, sleep with.... etc.
I get that it hurt, that it didn't work out for the two of you, but that still doesn't mean YOU have ANY say in his future partners.
You need help and support. I'd suggest you talk to friends and family here. You sitting at home drinking to "cope" with them being at the same event.. it's not healthy. YOU are the ONE who is turning your life is to a shitshow. You NEED to make better choices where. FOR your kids sake.
What if you are drunk of your ass and one of your kids get hurt?
Stop with the FRIGGING pity party and BE an adult here. YOUR kids need you.
STOP checking his phone. STOP checking up on them on social media. FOCUS on building a life as a single mother. BE the BEST DARNED mother you can be. FOR your kids.
What he told you about her might not EVEN be true. It might just have been said so YOU would find some compassion and pity for him. And even if they ARE true- SO FRIGGING what? No one gives a shit! YOU shouldn't give a shit! WHO cares?! If ... and that is a big if... he wants to BE with her again, that is on him. It probably won't work out for them either especially if they have so much negative history but it DOESN'T MATTER!
YOU need to let go of the drama.
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