A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I have problems with my parents... So recently, I got my results from my spring semester and it was pretty good. I scored one of the highest scores in math. And so my dad told my aunt about my scores and knowing my aunt, she'll tell other people. I guess its up to them if they wanna tell people.I asked my dad why did he tell so many people about it. To be honest, I'm not the type of person to share my results in general. So anyways, what i didnt like is that my dad said something along the lines like he tells people to build an image of me. As in the image is like good with studies, smart and well behaved. The point is that i dont want my dad to build an image for me cuz I think its like creating a false image of myself to other people. I told my dad to stop building a false image of me. Cuz he builds it in a way that it looks so good, too perfect. I rather that if people ask how i did, i'll tell them myself. I just feel really pressured to upkeep an image that he made. Its not me. It kinda sucks. I'm starting to feel like im losing control of my life and i'm not able to build myself on my own. Starting to really dislike being around my parents now. It's just frustrates me. its not just about this topic but they really keep controlling everything i do. But this is by far, one of the main things that frustrates me. I have no idea how to deal with this. Im from an asian chinese family, so "face" is very important. I get that. But it cant be that important at the extent that I am upset and depressed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2018): Actually, I think I really understand how you feel and I also really admire what you are saying about this situation.Okay, most people of your age will feel controlled by their parents and young women can feel particularly controlled by their fathers - so I am factoring this in as 'normal' - but only up to a point.I DO think you are right to raise questions (even for yourself) about Chinese cultural norms and norms within families that only reproduce, rather than change or progress, those norms. At a basic level, you are saying "my Dad promoting an image of me as (insert positive appraisal here)" is predicated on a culture which involves others being put down and denigrated". I don't like the sound of such a culture, and I can see why you don't either. I can also totally understand why, when the same values are running through your family (ie. positively promote the daughter but downgrade and devalue the son), this feels like a double whammy - an objectionable cultural norm is being extended to you and also pressurised even further by the idea that you are supposed to compensate for your father's disappointment in your brother - even though your father's disappointment is based on this 'do or die' evaluation.This kind of context leaves very little space for you to feel like you are loved in your own right, regardless of any 'weaknesses' and it also makes it almost impossible for your to express yourself in ways that will be accepted by your family.I think you are actually asking for a 'fairer' and more transparent cultural approach to the idea of success and you are also questioning why these (actually very limited) ideas of success continue to be disseminated by the male figure-head in a family. This is such a healthy, progressive way of thinking and I really admire this in you.Often when families have NOT themselves been educated to the same level as their offspring / siblings, they do not gain the same approaches that education fosters - eg. questioning, discussing openly, challenging norms and so on. So there is part of what you are doing that they will find threatening if you confront them. I wish it wasn't this way, but it is. Instead of taking a progressive view, they tend to use you as a family mascot - until, as you say, you "fail" in their eyes, and then they will degrade your image in order to protect themselves.I do also wonder how much of this is about you being a young, Chinese woman who feels repressed by the way that women are considered in your own culture. Do you have access to any forward thinking community groups that might allow you to feel more understood as a person and young woman?
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 July 2018):
 He is your Dad and off course he is going to tell people. There is no harm in letting family know your school results. You are the one putting the pressure on yourself. Nobody is perfect and nobody expects you to be perfect. If in the future you don't so well in exams just explain to your parents why and ask that it is kept quiet, but for now enjoy the fact that you are doing well, enjoy the praise and keep up the good work!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2018): Posted this:
I get that he’s proud. Absolutely do because my bro was a disappointment to both my parents. I get it. Really do. But I just don’t want the world to know so much, cuz the moment if I don’t do well, relatives will start looking down on me. I rather just keep it hush hush and when ppl ask, I’ll tell them my honest answer. And being in the Chinese community, relatives always look for things to look down on people. If I can’t do well and don’t match what my dad has told the world... they don’t only look down on me, they’ll mock the family too.. that’s the reason why I feel pressured =.= It’s not that I wanna be rude or smtg, but this is the case I fear and that’s where the pressure is built..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2018): Because he is proud of you and he wants to show the World his pride. But let me add that your dad is as deluded now as I was when my kids were going to school and getting high marks and distinctions like you. I also used to bask in their shine and brightness but now they are grown and have their careers I am so sorry to tell I am fully disappointed in them. In their rudeness and complete disrespect of their elders and others. I wish you will have more appreciation of your father in the future when you no longer need his support. But I am so disappointed with mine. After all my sacrifices.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (20 July 2018):
 Sweetheart, your dad is PROUD of his lovely clever daughter! He wants to tell the world how clever you are. It is not about creating false ANYTHING. I bet HE doesn't have the benefit of YOUR education and is PROUD of your achievements and living vicariously through you. Allow him that indulgence.
Given your age, you probably have very set views about what is "right" and believe (recalling my own behaviour at your age) that your parents are a bit of a pain and shouldn't be interfering. I remember my parents playing "one upmanship" with their friends about their respective children's achievements. This is what parents do when they are proud of their children. Would you rather they ignored your achievements, or that they dismissed them saying they were nothing special? Now if they did THAT, I could understand you being hurt.
I doubt there is much we can tell you that will change your view, as you are at an age where you will have very strong views about things, to the point you will find it difficult to show any empathy with others. TRY to understand your dad is PROUD and love you and wants the world to know what a fabulous daughter he has. Don't hold that against him. It is one of the perks of being a parent.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2018): [EDIT]:
Corrections:
" I'm glad that you're a humble young lady, makes good grades; and doesn't like too much fussing and bragging over her."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2018): Congratulations on several counts! About your good grades, and for having such a great dad! People who care about how you progress in school, and take parental-responsibility for your well-being! Good show for your parents!
My dear, your dad is being a dad. He loves you and he's proud of you. I'm glad that you're a humble young lady, makes good grade; and doesn't like to much fussing and bragging over her.
As for your father? FYI, it's what proud loving dad's do, sweetheart! My dad did it, especially when we went to the barbershop. Everybody bragged about their kids. Everyone I know, including myself; brags about the kids they love!
You're being a bit dramatic, and somewhat rude.
First-off, he's the father, adult, and parent in the situation; and he has the right to say whatever he likes. You're pretty darned lucky, when most kids dad's don't even care, if they're even around to begin with!
Excuse me! News flash! While living at home with your parents while they pay the bills, feed you, put clothes on your back, and a roof over your head; they get to boss you around...LIKE PARENTS!!!
It's an easy matter to deal with. Continue being a smart young lady, show respect, and appreciate the fact that you have a father who loves and brags about you. He's not sitting at the end of a bar; drunk, and crying in his beer about his rotten kids, or his pregnant teenage-daughter! You're proving to him that his and your mother's parenting has turned-out a pretty good kid. He wants to yell it on the roof-tops; so he takes it to your aunt! Telephone, telegraph, tell your auntie!
Comeback when you have a real problem. Like an alcoholic dad who ignores or abuses you. If he abandons you and your mother; or he's mean, and viciously criticizes you. A father who praises, brags, and dotes over you is not a problem!
He's a saint!
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