A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I want to be on my own when i give birth in july...i would like my husband anf family waiting but for my own personal reasons i dont want amyone in the room with me (obviousley apart from any midwives or doctors) but i know my husband really wants to be in the room with me. How do i bring this up for discussion without hurting his feelings? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (11 April 2014):
 I agree with the thought of compromising about being at the head of the bed if the reason is a matter of modesty or worrying about sexual attraction going afterwards.
It's a mutual decision. It's not the "My body, my rules" way now, because in terms of marriage and children, it's OUR, not MY. OUR decision, OUR baby, OUR bonding moment, and he has as much of a right to be there, and yes, I think it is a right if a husband wants to be there.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 April 2014):
 Fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/fathers-in-the-delivery-room-who-should-have.htmlThe answers to this question were a huge help at a time when I had to make an important choice. Best of luck to you and your husband, whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (8 April 2014):
 Whether you're alone in a forest, on a bus, at home with a midwife or in a hospital surrounded by medical personnel, that baby is coming one way or another. The whole point of having anyone in attendance is to make it as safe and comfortable an experience for you and the baby as possible.
So this is entirely your call and you have to make that decision based on what is best for you and the baby, not what feels good for others. Anyone who makes that decision difficult for you, be they husband, mother, mother in law, close friend, or anyone else is putting themselves first and is therefore of no use to you in a delivery room.
Do we get to hang out in the operating theatre when a loved one undergoes open heart surgery, or has their spleen removed? Why then do folks assume others have an inherent right to hang around and watch a woman giving birth?
I'm with C Grant and CindyCares 100%.
That said, you might want to consider the reasons why you don't want your husband or anyone there. You do not need to validate your choice to anyone, but having a back up plan might give you some peace of mind. If you have specific concerns and a plan to address them, you might feel better about allowing your husband in.
If there was ever a time in a woman's life when she was entitled to be focused on herself and her child, this is it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 April 2014):
 How do you bring it up for discussion? Well, he's your husband, you made this child together, you two are a team. So, you share your personal reasons with him and appeal to his compassion for you. In other words, your personal reasons are more compelling than his desire to see his child born, just explain why, in a calm and loving way.
Unless you can't share these personal reasons with him? Are you afraid of saying something in the delivery room?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): Think of it this way. Both parents will be there the first time the child opens her/his eyes and both of you will be the first thing that child sees on this planet. You'll share the most important moment of your child's life.
Most dad's nowadays don't want to be around at all, let alone there for the birth.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 April 2014):
 I had 12 people in the delivery room with my first child. I was honestly just so focused on getting the whole thing over and done with.
The second time it was just a mid-wife, my husband and me in there, the doctor didn't show til after the baby was out, which suited me just fine.
The third time our babysitter ended up in the emergency room so WE (my husband and I) had to bring the kids (4 and 2).
So I have had 3 different experiences. BUT my husband was THERE with me for all 3 births. I think it's kind of selfish to deny him access to that experience. And he was my rock.
Could I have done it alone? Yes, but I was nice having someone in there to hold my hand, encourage me and so forth.
Would I want anyone else in there? I wouldn't have minded my mom in there, but that would have been the only "extra" person I'd ever allow.
Talk to your husband about his family staying outside, but I think it's a little selfish to exclude him from the delivery room.
Why don't you want him in there?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): "What reason could you have to deny your husband one of the greatest moments in a husband's life??"
Some guys don't feel sexual attraction toward their wives anymore after they've watched them give birth. Maybe her husband is not one of these guys, but if it were me I would not want to take the chance.
Maybe this is not her reasoning for not wanting him to watch, but this would be my reason.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 April 2014):
 2 - 2 so far. I am with C. Grant.
A delivery room is not the place for democracy , compromise, and shows of selfless sensitivity. The mother should reign as one of those barbarian queens of yore : whatever SHE says, goes :).
I know that it takes two people to make a baby, but alas it only takes one, the mother, to push it , sweating and grunting, into this world. And it ain't easy.
Now, I don't want to scare you, I am positive that you'll come out of the experience with flying colours , and that after maybe 5 minutes from giving birth, like all the new moms in the world, you will have completely forgotten that what you just did was not exactly lots of fun. But, let's be honest, it's tough. And aything possible should be done to make sure that the mother in labour is as serene, calm, comfortable, relaxed and happy as humanly possible. That includes , having her partner there or NOT having her partner there, whatever she chooses, no ifs and buts.
So, what to do to not hurt the feelings of a future dad who really would like to be there ?... I don't know... maybe singing him Rolling Stones ' " You can't always get what you want ?"... Just kidding. I guess it will be enough telling him- explaining what you feel is best for you and why, and remind him that you NEED , absolutely need , to be selfish and put yourself first in this very special circumstances. If he wants to share and be present ... he will have plenty of occasions later on... at diaper changes, for instance :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): What if you ask your husband to stand up next to your head? Then he can be with you but won't be watching all the action down there…I can understand you not wanting him to see that!
I've actually read that watching a birth can turn men off of sex with their wives…has anyone here heard of that happening?? Is that what you're afraid of?
PS. I highly recommend the movie "The Business of Being Born"!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 April 2014):
I have to play devil's advocate here and disagree in part to C. Grant, though that very rarely happens:
My husband wept tears of joy at the moment I gave birth to our son. That was a bonding moment for us, for our new baby, everything. That ranks up there as one of the best moments ever. I'm a very modest person myself, and I worried about whether or not he would see something embarrassing.
Your husband helped create that child inside you. He has seen every inch of you anyways, unless you only have sex with him with all of the lights off. What reason could you have to deny your husband one of the greatest moments in a husband's life?? I can understand the rest of your family, sure, but your husband?? If he really wants to be with you, I think you will not only hurt him deeply, but create a resentment that will never heal.
I know there was a time when it was customary for a new dad to wait outside, but this is no longer that time. Our guys pamper us, help out when we're pregnant, deal with hormonal swings and weird cravings, and they go through emotions themselves in preparation to be a father either for the first time or subsequent ones.
Again, I understand wanting the rest of the family to remain outside, but I think you'll do great marital damage to order your husband not to be in the room if he really wants to go through this with you. And, I actually think you could be doing your child a disservice as well, as one of the biggest bonding moments of your child's father is the moment of birth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2014): May I suggest that you reconsider?
My sister made the same request of my brother-in-law at the birth of their first son. He is a video-nut. So I understood her reasoning.
It really did hurt his feelings; and he all but begged to be there with her. It is more important to your husband as a father than you might realize. Please, let him be there for you and the baby! It was a bonding experience, as my brother-in-law described it. He cut the umbilical cord.
She decided it was fine; she has never regretted it, and it really kept their family very close.
She insisted there be no video of anything but the baby.
Maybe that would be a compromise you could make?
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (8 April 2014):
 Somehow during pregnancy a woman's body seems to become community property. People feel suddenly free to grope her belly, for example. Having sat through three deliveries, I can attest that it's significantly worse in the delivery room. At any other time people would without question respect your modesty -- I don't know why you should have to ask that the same standards be observed when you're giving birth.
It's perfectly reasonable for you to tell your husband (and his mother your cousin and whoever) that their presence won't bring you comfort or make your job easier. It is 100% your call. Make sure that, when you're admitted, you tell the nurse and the doctor how you want things done. Deputize your husband to stand outside the room and keep well-wishers and gawkers away until you're ready for them.
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