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I don't want a gf but I don't want her to be with anyone else. what should I do?

Tagged as: Crushes, Friends with Benefits, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 August 2016) 10 Answers - (Newest, 14 August 2016)
A male United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Sooo about 6 months I got a new roommate who happens to be a female.

We became roommates after meeting once for about 10 minutes. We hit it off eight away as we are both direct and have weird personal issues that almost identical in how we handle relationships and the opposite sex.

We about one month in we started to hook up every once in a while. Since then we go weeks where we act like bf/gf (sex, kissing,cuddling, flirty eye contact and just basic relationship type stuff).

We each get weird and pull back because we aren't looking for that right now but I catchn myself more and more wanting more from "us".

She recently went on a blind date that flopped but she hung out with the guy a couple times since and they text often. She told me in casual conversation thst he is definitely not her type but he is a nice guy and she wants to be friends.

For the first time in my life I got jealous of someone. She jokes that its pointless to date because we will probably end up marrying each other because im the only guy she's ever met that can truly handle her (personality).

What should I do? I dont want a gf but I dont want her to be with anyone else because we have this weird relationship like we play thr part but have no obligation to each other.... do I tell her how I feel or wait?

I dont want it to be weird or awkward but I dont want to "lose" her either. Im afraid she doesnt feel the same or may pull back since I caught feelings. We nned other admit err pull back when we feel like we are crossing that emotional threshold, so what do I do? Thanks

View related questions: flirt, jealous, kissing, roommate, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I think you nailed it. There are times when we become too close and we both pull back and distance ourselves from each other I.e. we will not sleep in the same room and chose another room to sleep in for a few days. I have a lot of reservations about it going bad and one of us feeling the need to move out (which I obviously dont want to happen). It seems to be a struggle to find the right balance though because its easy to go beyond our comfort zone emotionally. We have been distant do a few days because we crossed that emotional threshold and we both need our space. Well I went back to see my family for a weekend and with in 6 hours of me leaving she tested saying she wished I hadn't left (mind you we weren't fighting we just give each other space). I dont really know how to take that lol. She is as much of a mess when it comes to relationships as I am so that makes it a challenge too.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2016):

It's an awkward situation for sure. Obviously you like her and you are both in some courting period but you live together. And if for whatever reason it didn't work, you'd still live together. Not only that but if it did work out and you wanted space, you're screwed because you live together.

I think you wouldn't mind dating her if there were some distance between the two of you. If you started dating her, you'd also be instantly already moved in and living with her, the person you just started dating. It's weird. And while you do like her, you're not ready for that, understandably. Because of your living arrangement, dating her would require things to move too fast for the both of you.

Just go with your gut. You're not ready to have a girlfriend AND be moved in with her. So just be happy with how things are or try to distance yourself from it.

No matter what, if it's meant to be it'll work out.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (11 August 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Ah ok, OP- then tell it like it is , you don't need to act " cool " and smooth to a bunch of anonymous strangers like us :)- bottom line is, that you WOULD have a real relationship with her in a heartbeat,... if only she'd take you- you are just not too sure she would.

To be brutally honest, I must say that your concerns are somewhat warranted,- personally I do not much believe in " committment issues " per se . With exceptions, of course- but , by and large, " committment issues " and " not wanting a relationship " just means....they aren't that into you ( and / or viceversa ). That you call dibs on a person to marry him / her in 5 or 10 years--- well, most of the time it's just a joke, obviously, but if it is meant seriously, it's far from being a compliment ! It means " if I can't do any better, at least I can fall back on you ".

Nevertheless, I still advise you to muster some courage and spell things out. Why ? Because a ) you talk about your friendship, but real friends are honest and sincere with each other. You are already out of the friendship realm , or of the FWB realm, you are falling in love, or developing a big crush at least- so it's not just friends anymore. I think she should know, it's a bit creepy that she thinks you are her roommate and occasional fuckbuddy while you have an all different agenda and a whole different perception of her. You are two mature grown ups, you can talk frankly, you can ask her if she is willing to at least consider the idea, to at least give it a honest try and see how it goes.

If she counters that with a firm " no way " - yes, your relationship will change , if neither of you is a drama queeen you can still be roommates and in friendly terms, but the hook ups - sharing the bed - cuddles part will probably have to stop. Which anyway would be a good thing and it leads me to point b :

: b ) OP, are you out of your head ? I hope not. I hope you don't want to be this pathetic, self destructive beta orbiter ( to use Serpico's definition ) who shares a bed with her.. and smells on her body the scent of the sex that she just had with other males ! Or just... he's always waiting for the other shoe to drop, i.e. for the very probable time when he will be able to smell on her body etc.etc. ...Drive a hammer to your toes, I am sure it would be more fun than that !

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (11 August 2016):

fishdish agony auntGo in with the mindset that you need to talk to her so that you can recalibrate the appropriate feelings level. Like next time you hook up, I would just say that you like the arrangement you have, but you could also see yourself wanting more with her, and that you'd like to check on her feelings about wanting more. And if she reacts poorly to that, just say it's fine, again, emphasize that you're still happy with the arrangement you have. If it goes poorly, maybe back off of the hook ups for a bit, but my guess is you could probably rekindle it if you let that issue simmer down as in the past.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

It appears that my situation came off as more selfish than it actually is. It is not that I dont want her to date and be happy, its the fact that I haven't figured out if I want to risk our friendship and living situation together over this. She is definitely good enough to be more than a 'f-buddy", or else I wouldn't sleep with her (im not really into casual sex if there isn't something more). I guess its more venting and figuring out if its worth the risk. We pretty much do everything together and share the same bed. Im worried it will ruin our current relationship ship if she doesnt reciprocate my feelings. I can handle it but I worry it will ruin the friendship we have outside of just sex. We talk about everything because we both dont keep many friends around so im also worried she will to be too scared to ask me about new relationships, ultimately I want us both to be happy no matter what. I just dont know if I pursue my feelings or pull back before it ruins our relationship.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 August 2016):

Honeypie agony auntIf you think she was "good enough" to have as a F-buddy, but not "good enough" to date, you NEED to let her go find a guy who DO think she is "good enough".

If you on the other hand DO think you could date her, TALK to her. She might or might not be interested, nothing ventured nothing gained.

And IF she is NOT interested.. ACCEPT it and stop being intimate with her. REGARD her as a room-mate only.

It's not really that hard. Just know that if SHE doesn't WANT to date you, YOU can take sex off the table and YOU can move on to another girl, whether THAT be a casual sex-partner or a real girl-friend. AS LONG as you are open about what you want.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (10 August 2016):

Ciar agony auntThe fact that you want her to yourself suggests you DO want a relationship, but just don't want the negatives that may go along with it.

So let's examine those negatives (real or imagined).

Instead of general terms like 'I don't want to be smothered' or 'I don't want to be tied down with rules', be more specific.

What specifically are you doing/do you have now that you think you wouldn't if you were officially a couple?

Do you want to be able to go out with her 4 nights a week for two weeks and then be a house hermit for a month without her thinking there is something wrong or having to make it up to her? How much time would you like to spend on your own or with friends?

Do you want to have friends of both sexes? What would your friendships with women look like? Would you meet up in person or just have the occasional text/phone/skype chat? What do you want to be able to say to them that you might not be able to say if you have a girlfriend? Do you want your friends to be YOURS and her to be hers?

Do you like entertaining friends at home more often than she does or the other way round?

Do you want to be able to check her phone whenever you like, have her passwords or are you afraid she'll want that from you?

If you had the perfect relationship what would it look like? What would you be doing? How much of it together and how much on your own?

I could go on, but this should be enough to get you started. Whether you end up with this woman or another, it would be a good idea to know SPECIFICALLY what you want and don't want. That way both of you have clear expectations and can decide earlier on, before a big emotional investment, whether or not this is a good fit.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (10 August 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt You realize that you have a bad case of- dog- in - the- mager- syndrome, and you get a grip. You make peace with your brain and you decide what you want.

- Either you choose to still not be in a relationship, even given the choice,- in which case you keep mum, because telling a grown up woman " I do not want you but I don't want other guys to have you " is a bit ridicolous, theathrical and quite insulting too. How do you dare to interfere in her love and sex life, i.e. in her private business, as long as you keep wanting to be a marginal, occasional player in it ?...

Or you decide that you really like her ,and that nothing ventured nothing gained, so you man up and tell her about your feelings, offering at the same time to turn this " whatever it is " into a relationship, with mutual committment.

Of course she may be not interested, and prefer to play the field. But at least you'll know for sure and you'll know how to act accordingly.

Don't bet the family farm on the " we will end up married " because it's just a silly cliche' that pops up in any TV romantic sitcom. I remember there was a whole episode of Friends about the choice of the one -to- marry -at - the- end. It's just talk, it means nothing, and tbh, if any, does not bide too well because when you really want and like somebody you want them NOW, not in 5 years or 10 yers. If she can wait a few years...she must not be so terribly smitten, although sh surely will apprciate your affection and camaraderie.

Said that, I still think that's better speaking up, at risk if shooting yourself in your foot, that keeping on with the secret jealousy, the ambiguity and the dog-in-the-manger number.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (10 August 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI understand you have "issues" but, if you are not prepared to commit to her, you have absolutely no right to expect her not to date anyone else. She is not your property.

She sounds as much "into" you as her issues will permit, so why are you so afraid to tell her how you feel? If you don't tell her, you may very well lose her. If you do tell her, there is still a small risk of you losing her but I would bet it is much smaller than you imagine.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (10 August 2016):

You could stop being a beta orbiter and let her move on with her life and you move on with yours.

Either man up and be with her or let her live her life.

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