A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have absolutely no interest in sex and while I've had it before, I'm honestly disgusted by it. The whole thing: having people in my bubble, having a face too close to mine, random unnecessary touches, kissing is just gross to me. I don't like the feel of it. I don't want hands anywhere NEAR by bottom or legs or private area or breasts and I HATE when men I'm trying to hang out with want to put my hand in their crotch or make sexual comments like, "You just need someone to get you off" "Did I tell you you're beautiful today?" They compliment my clothes, "You're wearing them jeans" "I like that shirt" (while pointing at my chest). I change clothes and stop wearing those ones and I get, "Why'd you change?" "I'm gonna take you shopping and buy you some sexy clothes" "Why'd you put your hair up after I told you how beautiful you look with it down?" (um, because I don't want comments?) "Why do you cringe away when I put my arms around you?" (Because I don't like it?) I used to love cuddling but they'd always try to turn it into sex. Or start groping me. I don't want that! I'm friendly, I like to chat and laugh and have dinner and just go grocery shopping or anything like that. It's the COMPANY I want. But they always want to turn it into a date or tell me, "Don't say that" when I tell them I see them as a friend/brother. I get told I mislead people all the time and I've got to stop doing that. Or give them a chance ("at least talk to me! At least call!") That turns into, "We need to spend more time together" which leads to, "I don't like being lead on". Well, that's why I'm trying to be ALONE. people aren't getting it. If I say I'm not interested in sex up front, they want to change my mind or prove themselves. If I don't say it, I mislead them. Everyone wants to set me up with a guy as soon as I mention him, "Timmy is so quiet that I wonder what his voice sounds like" "Oh! I'll let him know that! You might be cute together" (What?! He's not even part of my circle of acquaintances and I'm NOT INTERESTED). "So and so is cute" "I think you should ask him out" (I don't want to!) I get to where I start to hang out with a guy (in groups), have great conversation and laughter and then it's ruined because people just CAN'T stop meddling. Then he gets hurt and feels led on and everyone's mad at ME. I'm only looking for FRIENDSHIP with guys. That's it. I can't even enjoy a puppy-love crush (which fades as soon as he likes me) without someone ruining it for me. Yet everyone says, "You need a boyfriend" "I just want you to be happy" Well, if they want me to be happy why not LET me do things that MAKE me happy? This has happened with every group of friends I've tried to have. It's gotten to wehre I've become a loner. Even then, strangers or people I barely know who see me a lot want to give me some guy's number or get me to talk to him. Or guys want to sit and chat me up when I'm just trying to walk down the street or read a book at a bus stop or coffee shop.I don't want to tell strangers about my lack of desire for sex and quite frankly, if I'm reading or sitting by myself, I WANT to be left alone. I don't want to be bothered. It's so frustrating!What can I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 June 2018):
 Thanks for the update, OP
Maybe start by looking for a forum for asexuals? see if this is actually what you "feel" or "want".
If sex hurts or is uncomfortable, you need to see a GYN. If it felt like sandpaper than you most likely weren't very aroused. Arousal cause a woman to get "wet" and that USUALLY makes sex more enjoyable.
But if you have the feeling of sex = ICK! Then sex isn't for you.
But like I said in my first answer, MEN (and women) are NOT mind-readers, you need to be VERY up front in what you want from another person and what you DO NOT want.
I grew up in a 25,000 inhabitants town, so I know small towns (but not AMERICAN small town, things might be small in Denmark - where I am from) but there was always public transportation, which makes the World a little smaller as it was easy to get around. I can see in a more rural area of the US and with little to no public transport getting out in the World makes things harder.
Which is why I suggest you look into online forums. See what's out there that you can "identify" with and feel comfortable around.
And it should never be a no-no to tell people around you that you are NOT looking to date ANYONE right now, so they can please stop trying to hook you up with someone.
With the Internet the World is your oyster ads long as you practice online safety.
Bot saying I want to be left alone and in the next breath saying I want cuddles and dinner dates etc... it's inconsistent. And it doesn't mean you have to choose ONE or the other. You just have to stand up for yourself if someone tries to set you up or touch you inappropriately.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): MODS: I am going to respond to each of you in order from bottom to top, at least in the way I am viewing the screen. Then, I will post a new question and post the link to this question to ensure that you can help me the best. I would appreciate it if you will at least post this so I can get some help. Please understand that if something is in all caps I am not trying to shout, I am just trying to emphasize a point.*FLYNN 34*- I DO think sex is disgusting but it’s not because I think people who have sex are gross. It’s because when I did have sex IT HURT. It felt like sandpaper or something. I mean, I might have been raised over-sheltered and I might be naïve, but I DO know that the inside of a woman’s body is mucus-membrane and that to me, putting ANYTHING (not just a penis but even a tampon or that spectroscope the Woman’s Doctor uses) in *that* part of my body makes me cry and cringe away. Your nose is made of mucus-membrane and I’m sure you know how bad it hurts when you use nosespray or accidentally inhale ammonia. What I am saying is this: sex is not bad, people who have sex are not bad but when anything even innocent touches me in *that* area (even innocently) it feels like bleach up the nostrils. Since that is what sex feels like to me, that is why I hate sex. “There is a world of difference between sex and making love” I quoted you, and I agree.*CODE WARRIOR* You said: “If you want to be left alone and untouched, then you're not allowed to pursue romance. No flirting, no cuddling, no nothing. You can't have your cake and eat it too.” So … according to you, I have to be lonely all my life just because baby-making sex feels like sandpaper and d**k-sucking makes me gag? How the H*ll is cuddling “cock-teasing”? No disrespect intended. I’m not trying to do anything sexual, I’m just trying to cuddle.*HONEYPIE* I would LOVE to make friends with women and gay men. The problem is that I live in what one of the posters here refered to as a “small town”. Really, I don’t live in a small town at all, I live in what is legally considered a city. Population 40,000 people – at least in the “Greater City Area”. That includes the City it self, the suburbs, the farming areas and even the Amish. What I mean to say is this: I would LOVE to meet some LGBT people but I really don’t know any. I have seizures so I cannot legally drive and in our county and the five surrounding counties (which are farming counties), there’s only one gay bar. It’s hard to meet LGBT’s)I wanted to respond more but I am running out of computer time. Please post this so someone can see I at leat care enough to read and respond. I will finish later.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2018): I agree with Betty. I was gonna suggest you get a tattoo that says 'Asexual for life' or something...
Most people DO assume that hanging out leads to dating which leads to kissing, etc. You DO have to be upfront with everybody...
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (21 June 2018):
 It sounds like you are asexual, which means you like companionship, emotional intimacy and cuddles, but nothing more sexual and have no desire for sex. That is 100% ok. I disagree with some Aunts who said you can't have cuddles and a romantic relationship without sex, why not, if that's what YOU want? You deserve love, like we all do, and you deserve love without sex, if you don't want sex.But, you need to find a partner who us also asexual like you. That way he won't be interested in groping you or trying to get into your knickers. It'll be so much better because neither of you will be bothered about sex so you can spend time enjoying each other's company with the pressure for sex :)My advice is to be upfront with the guys you are seeing. Tell them you are asexual or just describe what you are looking for, a close, romantic relationship or friendship, bit without the sex. That way they can't accuse you if leading them on because you have been honest.Also, it may help to try an asexual dating site as it is more rare to find asexual people, as the majority of people do want sex, as you have discovered. Be patient, upfront and honest with potential romantic partners. Don't lead on the guys who want sex, tell them what you want. Spend time with platonic friends for company, until you find a suitable partner for the closeness without the sex.You do deserve the loving, sexfree relationship you crave, don't settle for less.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2018): Okay! I get it. You don't like sex. When young single-adults are around each other; flirting is natural.
Granted, I have personally encountered some sloppy kissers; and people totally inept and clumsy at sex. I have had some not so great experiences; but the person would have to be a slimy tentacled-creature from a sci-fi flick to completely make me hate sex.
Don't take offense; but you talk like practically every lesbian I know! Relating sex to men is disgusting to them.
You claim to be friendly; but come across as quite abrasive. You must live in a very small town for everyone in it to be pushing men on you. People just assume someone somewhat attractive, adult, and single (who claims to like to chat and be friendly); would be seeking love and companionship. It's easy to deduce (or to presume) that you are lonely; if you are always alone! All their well-meaning gestures may annoy you; but hating sex sounds like the cover sheet to a thesis on something in your past. Not just bad sex and kisses.
It's all meant well; but surely you exaggerate or you're embellishing about the frequency people want to fix you up. They give-up and assume you're gay at some point. I can understand that you're generally irritated by the intrusion; but come on!
Some people try to get a lot of responses on DC by coming up with the most controversial and over-the-top commentary they can think of. I'm inclined to believe this is one of them. It usually comes form teenagers; but sometimes they claim to be older. The element of immaturity is often the giveaway.
The point is to get a bunch of people to try and convince or persuade you to change your thinking, one way or another. You will in-turn rebuke some responses; and maybe reprimand a few of us. We have no idea what we're talking about, or we don't know you. I've been hit with them all. You can't help them all!
You're going to be a very lonely person; just as you wish. You claim that would make you happy. Not if you are a mentally-healthy and fully-functional human being.
Grown-up healthy human beings make friends, and seek romantic-interests. Sexual-orientation is a significant factor. Whom you're attracted to determines what you'd like them to do to you.
You may fool others, but a lot of your post is just a lot of contrary hooey. I don't like anything human and natural. Unless you're a visitor from another galaxy; you were planted here on earth; and share all the emotions and feelings as the rest of us mere mortals.
So you don't like people fixing you up. I feel you on that. I'm gay, and I didn't like that either. I don't like people coming on to me; without at least exchanging a few pleasantries, and at least giving me a chance to decide if I am receptive to their flirtations. HANDS OFF!
I totally understand you don't like guys coming-on strong and being too bold. Where do you live where every guy you talk to is such a pig?
Everyone is trying to fix you up? Do they call a town hall meeting with the community agenda of fixing you up with a man?
Sister, take a chill pill! Go with the flow. If you're not interested; just let them know. Unwanted passes? Inform Mr. Wrong, it isn't going to happen; and you'd appreciate them keeping their hands to themselves. Most guys give-up, unless they genuinely like you; and want to persuade you to give him a chance. Not every guy you meet humps your leg. What are you talking about in these conversations you're having?
If you're an attractive woman showering a guy with your attention...hello...he is likely to take a chance, and make a pass. He thinks you're attractive; and heterosexual-males aren't usually just looking to make pals with single available pretty women. We gay dudes might! Maybe you need a gay male buddy. Avoid lesbians, they are as bad as straight-men!
Just a joke ladies! Maybe?
You can establish a reputation for being standoffish, nasty, stuck-up, and antisocial; but someday you will return to the human race. You'll want some form of human-contact.
Loneliness and isolation tends to change people. All people with a sound-mind and relatively decent personality; need to share affection and warmth with another person. Unless they have been psychologically-traumatized. Perhaps there is an underlying issue such as abuse, rape, or they were molested as children; and their ordeal was never revealed to anyone. Therefore, they never received psychological-therapy or counseling for their trauma. Hating sex because you think it's nasty just don't cut it! Not for a grown-woman!
There's a serious untold backstory to all this. If it's real.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 June 2018):
 What are you expecting to happen here?
Most people want sexual relationships. If they’re getting to know someone, more often that not it’s going to lead to dating, sex, relationships, marriage. If you don’t want any of that, then you need to find someone who doesn’t want it either. I think it would be extremely lucky to find someone like that from just talking to people normally. You’d be much better suited to use specialist dating sites for people that are asexual.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2018): I have to wonder where you hang out for people to be grabbing your crotch and touching you inappropriately, i have NEVER had that problem and i have sat with and dated men and been in close proximity to them.If i was you i would think about where you hang out, how close you are getting to these people, maybe look at your personal space in relation to that and as for people telling you to date so and so, just say you are happy being single and change the subject. I was single years and while people would comment it was soon shut down with 'I am not interested, thanks but no thanks' and say it with conviction so the person is left in no uncertain terms how you feel.The concern about your feelings about sex and relationships has been covered by another poster and is of course something for you to think about as well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 June 2018):
I agree with Code Warrior,
I think your behavior is VERY misleading. However, I get that you are ONLY looking for company but you ARE presuming that men will read your mind and understand that you are NOT interested in more. As you can see by all the "snippets" of comments you have included from men... they CAN NOT read your mind.
Maybe what you COULD do instead is find a asexual forum and meet people who, like you, just wants company and nothing more. OR you can make more FEMALE friends. That way you can STILL have a social life, you can STILL go out to dinners, chat etc.
Or make friends with a gay man. Someone who WILL NOT want you physically at all but who will enjoy everything else you are looking for.
When you ADD MEN, the most "logical" presumption is that you are LOOKING for a "mate" or a "partner" - not just someone to provide you company.
While I DO think it's possible for men and women to be PLATONIC friends ( I have quite a few of those) I think it needs to be spelled out and KEPT strictly platonic. And it needs to be done from the GET GO. You can't hang out with a guy, be all giggly, and laughing together and presume he won't WANT more.
As for the friends telling you that you "need" a BF or should date so-and-so - just BE honest! Tell them I am taking a break from dating and I would APPRECIATE if you guys stopped trying to set me up. If I want to date at some point and need help finding a guy YOU will be the first people I'll come to.
Honestly, your post reads a little like - Oh everyone just WANTS me and it's annoying!
If you REALLY don't want guys to think you want more, BE specific from the get go, CUT off anyone the FIRST time they cross a line of friendship OR ... FIND yourself some ASEXUAL guy who doesn't want to romance your or have sex with you.
You need to grow up and understand that people CAN NOT read your mind. They will try and read your actions, your behaviors and EVERYTHING you mention... SCREAMS gimme me attention! So men give you attention. The thing is they don't know what your boundaries are because you ACT like you want a partner, but you claim you don't. So either you NEED to be VERY articulate in WHAT you want from people from the GET-GO, you needs to SET firm boundaries from the GET-GO.
And if you want to be left alone... then why do you need to chat, laugh and have dinners with men? That doesn't compute logically.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2018): You say you're grossed out by sex but it's like this: Psychologists list sex as one of the basic human needs. Look up Maslow Hierarchy of Needs and it's right there. Saying you never want sex or saying it's "gross" is like saying you never want to eat or sleep - it's impossible to live that way.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs#Physiological_needs
Also biologists consider sex part of life too! You'll see right there that they mention reproduction - sex! In other words, you are SUPPOSED to want sex. It's unnatural not to.
http://waihiscience.weebly.com/7-characteristics-of-living-things.html
What you need to do is see a medical doctor and a therapist to find out what is wrong with you that you think sex is so gross.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2018): NO ONE should touch you or get into your "bubble" if you don't want them to. But they do it because you LET them. If someone gets in your space, take a step back! If they take a step forward toward you, step back again and say, "You're a little too close for comfort." People are not mind readers. If they randomly touch your body MOVE AWAY and say LOUD AND CLEAR, "I don't want you to touch me." If they respond with anything besides "I'm sorry", repeat yourself louder, "I don't want you to touch me." Then LEAVE.Code Warrior is right, you can't have romance/flirting/attention if you're not interested in sex, it's part of the same package. When you say "I'm friendly, I like to chat and laugh and have dinner and just go grocery shopping or anything like that. It's the COMPANY I want." You're coming across as flirting and interested. Before you open your mouth, think about if you were talking to a girl or a male relative. Would you talk to THEM that way? If the answer is no, then that means you are flirting. STOP IT!If someone says, "At least talk to me/at least call" try being HONEST and saying, "I'm not interested in perusing anything and I don't want to lead you on. If I somehow did so already I'm sorry."If Timmy isn't part of your "circle of friends and acquaintances", then you have no reason to mention his name at all unless you want people to think you're interested. If you say someone is cute, it's the same thing. Learn to keep your thoughts to yourself if you don't want that problem! I can't even enjoy a puppy-love crush (which fades as soon as he likes me) without someone ruining it for me. Well... that's because puppy-love crushes are cute when you're in third grade, annoying when you're in middle- and high-school and just plain pathetic when you're an adult. If strangers approach you when you're trying to read at a bus stop or a coffee shop, that's because you're alone. When you're in public, you don't GET to retreat into your own little bubble and pretend the world around you doesn't exist. Get your nose out of your book and pay attention to the world around you. Sorry, but you sound like you have a lot of growing up to do. Focus on making friends with WOMEN or maybe gay guys, stop flirting, don't go out one-on-one with straight guys, don't talk too much to guy friends, pay your OWN damn way and if you want to cuddle get a teddy bear.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2018): I think you need to see a psychiatrist about your great many social and sexual hangups. Thinking sex, one of the most important aspects of human nature, is disgusting is not healthy. You cannot expect ANYONE to be in a sexless relationship, unless that is the agreement. It is unfair on both parties.You should also seek medical advice for your lack of libido, as it can often be caused by hormonal or chemical imbalances and other medical conditions.At the same time, it is perfectly okay to be asexual. Some are. But you will need to find the other rare people who are also such. Or get used to living alone.Myself... I think denying yourself intimacy is a very lonely existence. Sharing yourself body and soul with another person is one of the most incredible feelings in existence. But there needs to be mutual trust and respect and above all, love.There is a world of difference between sex and making love.Flynn 34
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