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I don't understand why she wont just delete her profile from online dating sites!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, Health, Online dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 July 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 10 July 2017)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

It's hard to know where to start, and I know this will turn into a long post so I appreciate anyone willing to read through and offer advice.

I've been in a long-term-relationship for about six years, we're the same age. When things are good, they're great. However, we tend to have some repetitive fights that have plagued us. They're stupid fights but we can't seem to avoid them. This is complicated by the fact that when she gets angry she tends to get mean - she breaks up, hangs up the phone, tells me I'm not the person for her, ignores me, etc. She knows this is extremely painful for me but I guess it's my own fault for not walking away the first time it happened and I've allowed it to happen repeatedly.

So about a month ago we had another fight. I'll give details if anybody wants them but trust me, it wasn't anything real or serious or anything that should have caused the trouble it did. The result was that she broke up with me again and we didn't talk for about 3-4 days, then like always we began texting and ultimately talking and making up.

Then, about three weeks ago a co-worker reluctantly told me that he had seen my girlfriend on match.com. He showed me her profile and I was crushed. I ended up bringing it up to her and she said it was because we were "broken up then" and she was really mad and she thought at the time she wanted to stay broken up and start dating people. She apologized and said it was her hard headedness and she would delete the profile.

Two weeks passed and then last week she asked me to log in to her iTunes account to see if it showed a purchase of a song that she didn't think she purchased but had received an email confirmation for. When I checked the "recent purchases" part of iTunes I saw that she had downloaded a bunch of dating apps, including Tinder, OKcupid, etc., around the same time as we had been 'broken up" for a few days. We were on the phone at the time so I asked her about it. She admitted it was all a part of her being angry during the "breakup" and all part of the same impulse as when she had signed up for match.com. She apologized profusely, said she hated that she had hurt me and didn't blame me for being upset. I asked if she had deleted the match.com profile like she said she would and she admitted she hadn't but said that would be her first priority as soon as she got home.

Unfortunately it continued to bother me so for several days we didn't talk much although she texted now and then to tell me she was sorry, and she missed me, and it would never happen again, etc. We ended up talking again she apologized more and I asked her if she deleted the profiles and she said yes.

Now, today, my coworker made a comment that gave me the feeling he might have seen her profile recently so I set up a match.com profile myself and found hers, it's still up although it says she hasn't been active in over three weeks.

So I'm upset, for obvious reasons. I've always been able to handle our fights because I've accepted that part of her personality (how she fights) but this is something else that is really eating at me. The fact that it says she hasn't been on in over three weeks helps but it still bothers me that her picture is still floating around and people who know both of us can see that. I'm partly embarrassed (I know, that's my ego) and partly hurt and partly just pissed off about it.

So my question is what do I do about it? I don't want to break up and end our relationship, I do love her and our relationship in general, and I love her kids (10 and 14) and our families are sort of entwined at this point and the things I love about her are much more numerous than the things that I have accepted as part of her that won't change (such as being mean when she gets mad). But I feel like I just don't trust her now, like she's looking for some options. She denies that, but why still have the profile up? Besides, she lied about deleting it. And what happens next time we get in an argument and she "breaks up?" I'll be worried sick she's on a new date within a few days if I haven't heard from her.

Finally, and these are important disclosures in fairness to her: I truly believe she has never cheated. Also, during all of this, beginning right after the fight where she created the profile, her mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and died last week. We flew out to where her mother is and took care of her the last couple of days of her life (being the only man around, I lifted her mother out of bed into wheel chairs, bedside toilets, even the shower, and sat up with her in shifts), so I know my girlfriend is hurting from that loss but also says she never wants to lose a man who would do stuff like that for someone else's mother just because he loves the daughter. She says she hasn't taken her profile down because all of this happened after that one fight and it just hasn't been her priority. EXCEPT, she has gone out for drinks with the girls a couple nights since so I can't understand why she couldn't just log in and delete that profile like she told me she did.

View related questions: broke up, co-worker, crush, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks, everyone for the responses. My initial reactions have been along the lines of Billy and Nora B had to say, but it turns out that rasblak and anonymous kind of hit the nail on the head.

On Friday I asked her to meet for a lunch and she readily agreed and showed up completely chatty like nothing was wrong and everything was great with us. After a while I said, "I need to know how you would handle something, like, what exactly would you do if you were me?" Thinking it had nothing to do with us, she said, "Okay, what?" I pulled up her profile and showed her the picture and asked the question again. She was genuinely thrown off guard and shocked. She began swearing she had deleted the profile and just laid her phone in front of me and told me to go through anything and everything on it. I told her I didn't want to do that, I just wanted to know what she would do if she were me. She again swore it was deleted and said she was confused about it and encouraged me to look through her phone. I pushed her on the question and she admitted she wouldn't believe me and would think I was lying.

Ultimately, it turned out she had deleted the app and believed that had deleted the profile because she said she never gave her credit card (it's true, it wasn't a subscription). I have no problem believing this since she's in her late 40s and not extremely sophisticated on the electronic stuff (which is why she had called me to log in to see her purchases on iTunes, she doesn't know how to do that stuff). So it turns out she really had just gotten mad when we had fought before, set up a quick profile but didn't subscribe, and then deleted the app and had no idea it was still out there. She gave me the password and I logged in and there were no messages ever sent or received (because she didn't subscribe) or any communication with anyone whatsoever.

So, I believe her. However, I did just as raslak suggested and capitalized on this situation as well as the other games she has played. By today, she is extremely apologetic, basically kissing my ass, telling me she would not be as level-headed as I have been about it and she realizes she's lucky I didn't end us for good, etc. I am not one to keep beating someone up so I've told her we're moving on but that I've put up with a lot of stupid things when we've fought over the years but this is the one-and-only second chance she'll ever get on this.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia +, writes (10 July 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntAfter a fight people can do stupid vengeful crazy things as she's done. YES she was AUDITIONING perspective suitors, no doubt about that and you have every right to be distrustful of her!

I too would be upset knowing a partner would sign up as quickly as she did and very slow to delete. I would not trust them with my heart readily. But to be fair; in the call of duty to her late Mother her focus would not have been to delete said profile.

I understand you made it clear you’re are not wanting to breakup, which means you need to suck it up as they say and come to terms with your fate with this type of person and style of relationship? There is no advice or counsel to be given when you’ve made your choice?

You professed to be her enabler; “allowed it to happen repeatedly” over a span of 6 years :( Unfortunately if you’re not prepared to change and allow this ongoing treatment, who are we to say stop the BS, go your own way? I believe you know what needs to said and done.

Here I commend you with all the history of fights and meanness, you were her rock in time of need. Good for you! Perhaps now she may realize you deserve a great kindness?

Take Care - CAA

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2017):

She was mad ... so let it go ... the dating profile has not been used since you asked her to delete it maybe she just deleted the app...not the site it's self ...common mistake .... thinking deleting the app deletes the dating profile

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A male reader, rasblak Singapore +, writes (9 July 2017):

I don't know much about dating sites, but I'm wondering if keeping the profile up is not 5% about finding someone new who might go long term, which turned into 100% about 'power-playing' / mindf*cking you instead.

I'd suggest that if you're going to stay in this relationship you invest your efforts into capitalizing on this situation instead of settling for being the one with the lower-hand.

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A female reader, NORA B Ireland +, writes (8 July 2017):

This is a very sad situation for you to allow yourself to be in.When trust is gone from a relationship there is no love.Now you state that she never cheated on you .Well what do you think she is doing on all those dating sites ? please answer this question ?. Have no doubt she is using you, until she finds someone new.How can you love someone that would treat you like this.Stand up and be counted.Its about time you thought about yourself first.Please note she is treating you like this,because you allow her to.Stop and think....She has no intention of deleting those dating sites,because she is looking for the Next guy.Are you going to wait until she dumps you ?.......Kind regards.NORA B.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (7 July 2017):

You know perfectly well why she hasn't deleted her online dating profile. But if you need someone else to say it here it is; She hasn't deleted her online dating profile because she is looking for someone else. Or several someone else's. She hasn't broken up with you because she doesn't want to be alone while she auditions your replacement and let's face it where is she ever going to find a patsy like you? She didn't say she doesn't want to lose you because she loves you but because of what you do for her.

Now the question is what are you going to do?

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