A
female
age
36-40,
*ambi_x
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 month. At the start he made huge efforts coming to pick me up after work, pop around to my house by surprise and come on to me for sex. Now 4 month down the line we rarely have sex and the excuse he uses is he's tired when I come onto him. He also doesn't kiss me Romanticly it's always just little pecks and I actually really enjoy kissing him Romanticly. He seems to only french kiss me when we do have sex. I've met his family and they all really like me, he includes me in his future but I don't understand the lack of sex or French kissing? He still picks me up from work now and then when I've asked but before I didn't need to ask although he is affectionate because he always holds my hand when we are outside.I've asked him if he's lossing interest and he's said no.I've paid for us to have massages together, I've paid for a lot of meals together. He doesn't really do this for me, although he will pay for alcohol for me if we are both out in a bar and will pay for food for me at home but i would rather he took me out and treated me lady like.Any advice on this issue?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2015): That is, in my opinion, really thoughtful and considered advice wiseowl- I gained something from that myself! Thanks x
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2015): You don't mention what his work schedule is like, or what shift he works. Does he do a lot of over-time? Is he up late and out early for work? What some guys do in courtship, they just can't keep it up. It was meant to impress; not be the routine.
Realistically, when a guy woos you and courts you; he is making an extra effort to get you. Once he has you; he may lose some of that energy and motivation. I'm gay, but many women I know (and I've found it true myself); say that many men only like passionate kissing during sex. It's considered foreplay for some. Making-out starts to plateau over time anyway. It's hotter when you're new to each other.
You'd be surprised how many guys never really care for kissing much; but know it's necessary, if you want a really fab girlfriend. Typically, once she's his; he doesn't work as hard. Largely because the sex is expected on demand, and taken for granted. He's physically-committed; but may not be emotionally-committed. Certain things done as a part of the courtship-ritual will fade-out anyway. So you have to be creative, to keep up that momentum.
If he's falling short of your expectations; and seems to be getting worse. You gotta do what you gotta do! You can't survive in a lop-sided relationship.
Without enough details to make a fair assessment of your romantic situation; I yield to the possibility he is in fact tired at the end of his shift. He may be working longer hours than usual, or used to a different shift from a previous job. It takes readjustment and budgeting of time.
He may not feel like picking you up after work anymore. It was a nice gesture; but if it is a necessity, perhaps you should let him know. You did say he surprised you, it doesn't mean you should always "expect it!" How does he treat you in general? Holding hands is trivial. We all need hugs, caressing, cuddling, snuggling, and foot-rubs. I give great foot-rubs and back-rubs. My guy gives great deep massages. We take turns. Try it. It gets the blood flowing.
In his defense, we have to give him some benefit of the doubt. We know only one side, and can't ask him anything.
Consider this possibility. If you hate your job, you find doing it even more exhausting; because it mentally wears you down. Does he like his job?
If you pay for more things than he does, start splitting the costs down the middle for everything. That equalizes the situation. Stop jumping ahead, and let him share the cost if it's more than you can handle. That is easily remedied by discussion prior to ordering. If he invites you out, it's his treat. Don't put your purse on the table.
Tell him what you want. Don't pout and wait for him to figure it out. He'll take advantage of your silence. If sex is less; then don't frustrate yourself by trying to coax it just to see what kind of reaction you get. That's a no-no! Sometimes testing people is annoying; or they'll grow resentful, and refuse out of spite. Even if they really wanted it.
Just be yourself, and if you see things fizzling-out, prepare to call it quits on your own terms. Also set realistic expectations. It will not always be like dating. It will settle into a normal relationship.
Now, always bear this in mind. When you commit to people, you know what you want from the very start. During dating, you should always let your partner know what floats your boat. Give them a lot of positive reinforcement when they do it.
There are two people in the relationship. Seems you're getting the short end of the stick. It's your life, and you are personally in-charge of your own happiness. So it's your call! He needs to know you're serious, and feel you're doing all the work at this point. If he doesn't seem to get it; then maybe your relationship has run it's course. All relationships will not last. It's the quality that matters, not always the quantity.
People (women more-so than we guys) often think long-term; when it's better to live day by day in a relationship. The better it gets, you lose track of time. The worse it gets, you're more aware of how long it is. Keeping a countdown often tells me there's a some desperation or insecurity there.
I'm more mature, and in a different age-group. I've had very long, and very short relationships. To be honest, I don't care how long we've been together. It's important that it works from day to day. I prepare for changes and work through the challenges, but only when we do it together.
If I'm doing all the work, my experience has taught me that means maybe I should consider moving on and finding what I want. Instead of trying to squeeze it out of someone who can't provide it. Especially, when I know I'm lovingly doing everything I can to please them. If they can't reciprocate, they have to vacate!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2015): Hi. Oh dear! I can understand why you are feeling like this....first thing is to try and find out if he really is tired and why. Us he stressed at work for instance? If so, try and use words to show him you want to support him, to help him relax, that doesn't necessarily mean sex- give him a massage with bo strings etc. If you aren't feeling there is a reason behind it however, and he is simply settling down this quickly then u wont be able to get away from the fact that he is simply not meeting your needs hear, and u may have to tell him so and ask what he thinks of you feeling like this.
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female
reader, MSA  +, writes (20 July 2015):
 At 4 months into your relationship, you should still very passionate about each other.
Maybe he is stressed at work or as he said, too tired. I suggest you take the initiative. If you want to French Kiss, initiate it. If you want passion and sex, initiate it.
A lot of times, in relationships, we can't always weight who does more and who does less. Every one contributes in his/her own way. If you want the relationship to work and if you want passion, put some work into it. Who cares who takes the initiative or does more as long as in the end, you both are happy, right?
Good luck!
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