A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I started talking to a friend of friend online and connected instantly . It’s been years since I actually found a conversation with someone so connecting . We used to text all the time and this went about for almost a month . He is from my city but is working in a diffferent country . We never brought up the topic of dating or anything and I knew he goes out on dates in his country and that’s okay. The thins is, I developed a little “crush” or attachement cause of talking all the time with a smile on my face . I honestly thought this would go somewhere and we will discuss about meeting up when he’s back. 3 days ago we were discussing about me “stalking” his pics cause I like them a lot (stalking is a joke here, not serious!) but I said I need to stop. He said why? I said cause I don’t want to end up developing a little crush for guy who isn’t in my city . I didn’t mean to say that we should end our conversations etc but he said things like “yes I don’t want to lead you on, I don’t want to invest time in something that won’t matriculate, as long as you don’t go down the rabbit hole we are in accordance “ etcWhat happened to him suddenly ? We have stopped talking altogether but why all this? I just want to know if I should do anything from my side now. I was genuinely looking forward to meet him sometime . I hadn’t connected with anyone like this in ages . I sort of like him I guess but I never made it obvious or became clingy or anything. I don’t understand his sudden change of behaviour
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): I remember that feeling of a major opportunity missed. All you can see, all you can think about, is this full 180 that hit you like a bullet train from one moment to the next.
Let me try to broaden your perspective: for every you that's losing sleep over how abnormally abruptly something enjoyably pleasant 'ended', there's been at least a gazillion thousand girls in history who, in your exact same shoes, found that it was absolutely no big deal at all.
They went on with their lives without even missing a beat.
Maybe you can try this. speaking of rabbit holes, reminiscent of Matrix references: let go of your pre-packaged notions of ' Finding _The One_ ', just be normal about things.
Things end, even when we least expect them to. There need not even be a reason why. *That's* normal @ 2019.
Once that has sunk in, realize that *nothing* out of the ordinary has happened here. 3 days without texting a 'friend' ... it's not the end of the world.
Realize that there might be a shift happening, *away* from the previous dynamic, for some reason... send him a text, being your friendly self... if he responds and a fruitfully interesting conversation emanates from there, fine, otherwise, well, that's the way it is; so be it, and your life goes on.
That's life. That's perfectly normal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): Typo corrections:
"In America, you're his "homie!"
"If he started getting flirtatious, you'd stop talking to him!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2019): You threw a few hints, clues, and subtle-suggestions that you were getting attached. You started flirting! He knows what happens when you entertain and appeal to another person's crush. It just grows stronger.
He was very clear that it was only friendly conversation. Some oversensitive and lonely females fall in-love over messaging and social media contact. He may have seemed abrupt or cold for ending his contact so suddenly; but he knows it is for your own good.
It was best he severed the contact; so your feelings would not grow too attached. Just the fact you wrote a post indicates how deeply you're upset that he ended communication. Not only because he stopped; but because it feels as if an opportunity may have slipped-away.
You were a connection to back-home; and someone who reminds him of a more familiar place where he grew-up. In America you his "homie!" When away, sometimes you need to maintain these kinds of connections; because they are soothing and you stay caught-up on what's happening while you're absent. That's why conversation flowed so well. You added romantic-notions into the mix, and he knew that can become complicated.
It wasn't going anywhere. If it bothers you too much, it means you've gotten too attached. So you'll have to go cold-turkey until the feelings pass. Don't dwell on this, or wait for him. He let you know, in no uncertain terms, this was strictly friendly; and nothing else will come of it.
I caution you about openly proclaiming feelings for him; or anyone you just have a "crush for." Crushes usually pass. Feelings for people who don't know it, is infatuation. Getting overly upset over their rejection is unhealthy, or immature.
People totally unaware how you feel, who don't share your feelings, and who are not showing interest in the same direction; can sometimes be very cruel and insensitive. Not that he was. He was just being straight-forward and honest.
He avoided being subtly manipulated or pulled into something other than just being friendly contacts. You thought you saw a window of opportunity that wasn't there. He made sure you didn't get any wrong ideas!
In truth, you hardly know him. He's a friend of a friend! Telling people that you hardly know about feelings you have for them; unfortunately, may get you the reaction you got from him. Unless you're strong enough to deal with rejection; don't go exposing your feelings, until you're getting the definitive signals that they are on the same page. Friendly-conversation is nothing but conversation. You can have them with an old-man you met at a bus-stop! You'd want him to take your friendliness as nothing more than that! If he start getting flirtatious, you'd stop talking to him! Being the same age doesn't make it any different.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (24 May 2019):
 I too agree with N91
He didn't want to lead you on. So he felt there was no point to continuing. My guess is that he READ you as already sort of having a crush and he felt it was best to back off.
The problem with connecting to someone over text and written messages is that it's NOT quite like having a conversation in person or even over a video call.
YOU started to like him and then started to think maybe this can lead somewhere EVER THOUGH you don't want to date someone who doesn't live local. So you WERE considering something you kind of KNEW might not work out. Because you LIKED the fantasy you were building.
My advice? GO out and SOCIALIZE. MEET new people. You KNOW what you like in a guy so that might help you in your search. Look LOCALLY.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 May 2019):
 Edit: ‘Doesn’t see this developing into anything serious’
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 May 2019):
 I agree with N91. You honestly thought this would go somewhere - but he did not think so , so he does not want you to get any ideas and to think it could go somewhere; he does not want to lead you on .
You admitted to him that you are at risk of crushing on him, and he is helping you to prevent that from happening, since it is something thatps not desirable for him. Or for you either, as for that , since , as you say, you do not wish to develop an attachment for someone who lives abroad.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 May 2019):
I think that’s his way of saying things should end there tbh. He said he doesn’t want to lead you on, that can’t be any clearer saying he do any see this developing into anything serious.
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A
female
reader, jadesom  +, writes (24 May 2019):
Okay so it seems there was a bit of miscommunication between you two. The way you worded your sentence to him did make it sound like you wanted to cut things off with him (even though you didn't). I think your best bet would be to message him and tell him you actually do want to continue talking to him.
I have always been open about my feelings with people and it always works out in my favour- so I also suggest you tell him you have developed some feelings for him and then just see what he says. If he likes you back- great! If he doesn't you will be in the same place as if you never told him in the first place. His behaviour did not so much as change- it more went towards him not talking to you because of the interesting choice of words you used with him.
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