A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hello all! I have a question that I brought up because of my ex girlfriend.When we were dating, we had gotten together and broken up several times, because she was cheating on me, but she says it is okay that she's with others and all that.I disagreed until I was fed up with her actions and we broke up for good.At this point, I've come to the conclusion that she's poly amorous, and I'm mono amorous (or whatever the correct term is).I want to know how it is a person can accept hurting their partners, and claiming it to be "okay." She knew I was mono, and I don't think she quite grasped how I felt about having one person.I don't understand how a person can have more than one significant other and not feel guilty.Is it wrong to be poly? It defiantly hurts those who don't quite get it, ie, me.Thanks everyone!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 June 2015):
 Someone who is 13-15 aren't poly anything. (sorry) She just didn't GIVE a fly's fart for how HER actions affected you, she used to "poly thing" to excuse her cheating.
She is a selfish person who thinks that whatever SHE wants she should have, regardless of how it affects others. She is very much (what you call a "mono") but... unlike you, she only cares about HERSELF.
A true Poly-amorous relationship is AGREED upon by the two (or more) people in the relationship. There is mutual respect and SET boundaries that EVERYONE in the "menagerie" agree upon.
You are both still young, and will find that you each have boundaries. YOURS are maybe more in the "socially acceptable" -straight monogamous - type. So yes, cheating would NOT be OK for that kind of relationship. And I would suggest that in the future you don't date someone who has a totally different view of what's OK in a relationship and what's not.
Is Poly wrong?, you ask. No. A TRUE poly amorous (like I mentioned) relationship is AGREED upon when first getting to know and date each other, it is NOT used as a convenient excuse when someone cheats. Your EX GF doesn't know WTH she is talking about. She just thinks it sounds cool and she wants to do that. What she really is, is a VERY young person who doesn't know what she wants, who ADORE attention and affection and don't really care where it comes from, so she "flitter" from person to person to soak up as much of it as she can.
Personally, I could NOT be in a Poly, but there are people out there for whom it works. And THAT is OK by me. If they are ALL consenting adults, it's none of my business how they make it work.
CHEATERS and CHEATING on the other hand (for that is what she did) I have absolutely no respect for. It's a choice to be faithful or not. If you choose to NOT be faithful, then DO NOT date someone who wants that and gives that back in return. Then GO be single and "flitter" till your wings fall off.
Live and learn, young man. IF someone treats you in a way you don't like, tell them. If you date someone who claims they are "poly" and you don't want that... DO NOT date them. And learn this (right now) you CAN NOT change another person. Like with your ex. YOU can't MAKE her "mono" if she think she is "poly" and you CAN NOT make her live up to YOUR standards, just because you date her.
Date someone, who FEELS the same way as you do (when it comes to boundaries, faithfulness, etc).
As for your ex. Let it go. Let her go. In her mind she DID nothing wrong, because at some point she "informed" you that she was poly and you STILL stuck around.
Chin up.
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