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female
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*irasole
writes: I am unable to remain calm when my boyfriend goes out. It is a problem that I've been having for quite some time, I think a lot of it has to do with my own insecurities and low self esteem (something that I want to work on) but I need some advice to get me through the interim. He is a guy that likes to go out, drink and stay out late. And I suppose that's normal. I'm not so keen to drink and stay out late so I don't always go with him. And the times that I don't, I am completely incapable of going to bed on my own, falling asleep, doing anything else because I am worried about how much he is drinking, what time he will come home, who he is with. I don't trust him. Not about other women, but more about him getting drunk or coming home in the early hours of the morning. And it's very hard on me because I just wait for him, unable to do anything else. I just sit at home and watch out the window for him to arrive on the bus, I look down the street. I call him constantly to find out what time he is coming, and even if he says "soon" I am still unable to do anything else but sit there and wait. How can I change this about myself?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006): You seem to be very insecure. And your boyfriend really isn't doing anything that unusual. Most people have nights out with their friends/family without their partners; many of these nights involve going out and getting tanked up. If you don't trust your boyfriend, then you might be better off ending it for both your sakes. God knows it will probably be a relief to him being able to socialise in peace.
Maybe you should have some counselling? See what's causing this insecurity, and then you can find ways to deal with it so that it doesn't negatively impact on your relationships.
I've been where you are; it wasn't a nice place to be. But make no mistake, you are the one who needs to change.
A
female
reader, blowpop305 +, writes (21 December 2006):
I can really relate to this. I was just like you up until about 2 1/2 months ago. Like your boyfriend, my fiancee liked to go out with friends, play cards, drink, watch sports together and drink, I settled for this and acted like it didn't bother me because I didn't want him to think I was insecure, controlling, etc. you get the picture. Until one time he went out and said he would be home in time for dinner and ended up not coming home, i called him, he didn't anwswer, he called me back drunk and walking home, I picked him up and at that point I came to a decision in our relationship. (he always got upset and scared if I ever mentioned going out with the girls for a drink or what not)I waited until about 2 days later to talk with him about it because I was scared he would leave me, get mad, etc. This is what I said to him...There are things I can live with in this relationship and things I cannot live with in this relationship, and I cannot and will not live with you going out, partying, not trusting you, waiting for you to come home, worried you will cheat, etc. and a few other choice things, I trusted him with the truth in how I really felt. I told him that he may not intend to cheat on me but when you drink you are risking our relationship because when someone drinks there is ALWAYS the possibility of them cheating, I trust you sober but I DO NOT TRUST YOU DRUNK. Bottom line. So in ending I will tell you that he loved me enough to stop. If we want to drink, we drink together, Yes he does still go out to bowl and play cards once in a while, but he doesn't drink when he does because he loves me enough and I love him enough to not ruin our relationship over not being able to trust each other. I know every relationship is unique and what works for one couple may not work for another, but we have such an awesome relationship now because I was honest enough to tell him the truth about how I felt and he loved me enough to change things
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2006): I know exactly how you feel. My ex used to do all those things. I used to sit and whittle about him, even cried my eyes out a few times. Then i realised he just wasn't for me. It took me some time but i got away and met someone who is really different. I go out with my friends on the very few occasions that he goes out. You need to have peace of mind and right now you just don't have that. I don't think you will ever get it with him. Look at the whole of your relationship and decide for yourself.
Take care and have a good Christmas and New Year
xx
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (21 December 2006):
 u said it well that he likes going out to drink and stay until late, and u on the other hand is not keen in this behaviour. i think u guys might be incompatible thats why its hard for u to trust him. try to keep ur mind busy with other things like reading, listen to music or something else that u have always wanted to do, maybe this new interest will keep ur insecurities away and u will be able to trust him. also try not to wait up, it might drive u crazy when he doesnt arrive in the midnight hour. i know its not easy but if u want this to work u will have to give him the benefit of the doubt and some space. but if u will find all this hard to do maybe he is just not what u are looking for, u might want to leave him and find somebody who comliments ur character or personality and visaversa. good luck
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