A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my boyfriend just over a year and live with him at his parents. There is always a problem when it comes to sex. I have to wait months each time. I've tried alsorts to get his interest and nothing works.He told me last night that he won't do anything because his parents are in, but when their not nothing happens. When we do have sex it's always the same, and because he's waiting for months it doesn't last very long.I tell him all the time and he just says sex isn't everything and i've got it on the brain. I don't believe this is true. I just don't think it's healthy?? Please Help!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 He's simply not interested in sex in the same way as you are. I assume you've ruled out the obvious possibilities (he's not straight, or he's got another on the side, or he's physically unable) so you're left with this. He's basically established what the frequency and duration of sex is going to be for you from now on. You're in the honeymoon period and this is about as good as it's going to get, I think.
You could try talking to him in a non-confrontation or emotional way about this, being loving and supportive, and see what he has to say. You have to be willing to LISTEN to him, don't be formulating responses in your head as he's speaking. Listen compassionately and with full attention.
There may be something bothering him about your sex life and he just hasn't been able to articulate this to you. Maybe your hygiene doesn't appeal to him or there's some other embarrassing problem he doesn't feel good talking about. You have to give him the room and permission to speak openly without getting upset or angry.
Once everything is on the table and you know where you stand, then you'll be able to make a decision from a position of knowledge and reality.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (9 July 2010):
 It's true, everyone does have different sex drives. It could well be an issue that he is living in his parents house. Even if his parents are out, he is still in his childhood home and he could feel uncomfortable being sexual inside those walls. Especially if his parents have taught him growing up that sex is naughty or wrong.
But at your age, (I assume he's a similar age?) every few months is a very infrequent sex life. For a young man, I personally don't think this is healthy! In the late teens to 20s is when men's sex drives are at their peak.
Is it possible for either you, or both of you to move out of his parents and get a flat of your own? If you want to have an adult sex life, you have to live as an adult and step out on your own. If you get him out of his parents house, it will give him the oppertunity to feel sexual without worrying about his parents walking in.
If this doesn't improve things, or you are not in the situation to move out yet, you need to talk to him. Be open yet kind about your feelings on the sex situation. Tell him you love him, but are concerned at his lack of desire for you. Be honest and hopefully he will be honest with you.
It could simply be what strontiumdog says, he just has a very low sex drive. He could be asexual - someone who has no interest in sex whatsoever. Or he could even be gay. Only he knows whats really going on. But he can't expect you to stay with him, if you are someone who needs a regular sex life, if he is not prepaired to make an effort to satisfy your needs.
I know how painful it can be to be rejected by someone you love in the bedroom. It can make you overthink the situation and think that it's your fault. It can drive you crazy! If he doesn't have the same sex drive as you, and isn't prepaired to make an effort to please you, you need to decided whether the heart ache is worth it? If he has no sex drive now, will he ever? Do you want to be with someone with no sex? There are many other guys out there who would love to have lots of sex with you, even more than you may want in fact. But of course it's not an easy decision when you love someone.
Try talking to him, if you can't move out together. If that doesn't work, you'll have to do some serious thinking hun.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 Your boyfriend has a low sex drive. For him, sex is not that important, and something he perefers to do once in a blue moon. Im guessing he has been this way most of your relationship, although at the verybeginning sex might have occurred more often as he was in love and insane with lust after you. Now the relationship has settled and he is back to his usual self.
I think waiting for months is a long time to wait, and I do not think you have sex on your mind. The problem doesn't lie with you, but with how the two of you have different desires and expectations when it comes to sex. This can only be resolved 3 ways. One: you get accustomed to little or no sex. Two: he understands your needs and accomodates you even when his own lust ins't present. Three: you break up and find someone more sexually compatible.
Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it is a whole lot. Going without it, or being constantly rejected, can make you feel unloved, undesirable, ugly, not wanted, taken for granted, and a lot more. Him on the other hands sees no problem going without, and can not understand your need for intimacy and sex. What you can try to do is have intimate moments with him that he will accept as well. Such things that do not involve sex, but intimacy. Laying together cuddling on the couch. Taking showers together. Giving each other massages. Make out sessions. I am not sure if this would cover your basic needs, and I am not sure if he would be annoyed by doing these things either. But either you find a way to work this out (both of you, not just you!), or you would be better off with someone else. Someone who will satisfy you and give you what you need.
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