A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:To cut a long story short...A guy I’ve dated previously (but never been in a relationship with) and someone who remained a friend for about 5 years suddenly exited his toxic relationship of six months. I hadn’t seen this friend in a year or so but when he was down and hurting I asked if he’d like for me to be there as a friend which he appreciated. So we met up and all the chemistry we had before returned. I told him how I felt and he pushed me back saying that he wanted to sort things out with his ex as he loved her despite her treating him bad. I backed off a bit after this but he came back telling me the relationship was finished between them and his feelings for me were as mutual as mine were for him. So we began seeing each other quietly for around a month before making things official. I’ve been in a relationship with him for two weeks but my gut instinct is telling me something isn’t right. He’s assured me I’m not a rebound as he’s had feelings for me since we first met all those years ago but he brings his ex up a lot, he’s very bitter when he talks about her, and I have a friend with the same name as her so when I address my friend by her name he asks me not to mention the name in his presence as he can’t bear to hear it. I asked him out right yesterday whether he was definitely over her and he said yes but sounded uncertain, after a pause he said he was over the relationship but certain things he does when he’s on his own remind him of the good times in the relationship he had with her. He’s very needy which I’ve known about from day one, he wants to see me all of the time and if he can’t he will find something else to do because he hates being in his own company. His ex had profound mental health problems which is what made the relationship so toxic. At the minute I’m making excuses not to see him because my gut is telling me that he’s guarded, not fully invested in me because he’s not long exited his last relationship because after all, how can you go from loving one person to loving another in a matter of weeks? So now I’m taking a step back for some headspace. He doesn’t know I’m feeling this way but I really don’t know what to do. I really don’t think I should have jumped into the relationship so soon and I’m fearful that I’m falling for someone who’s going to hurt me
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2019): Whoa! Couldn't have seen that coming! Your gut was already telling you to watch-out. I am truly sorry how it ended; but better now than when your feelings were fully attached.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 May 2019):
 Block and move on, what a prick.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 May 2019):
 Stick to your standards, always OP
And I agree, someone chatting up another person and asking for nudes, WHILE dating someone, THEY are cheating in my book too. Even if there isn't physical contact it's just INAPPROPRIATE behavior.
But what's worse is that he sticks to LYING to you. Telling you someone hacked his account... Seriously? He must have thought you were a total mug and easy to convince. Thankfully you are smarter than that.
Well, I know it's not a nice feeling when someone treats you like that but you DO have to remember that THEIR actions is THEIRS. YOU didn't MAKE him be an ass.
Your gut told you something wasn't right, so NOW you know that your gut is (at least some of the time) RIGHT.
I'd cut trying to be friends with guys who are NOT just looking to BE a friend. Ever.
And next time you will do better. Just go slow and pay attention.
Chin up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I found out that he’d cheated on me anyway...just a few weeks into the relationship. The girl he was cheating on me with...who isn’t even in the same country...sent me screen shots of him basically trying to get into her underwear, he was ringing her and video chatting her, she was disgusted to discover he was in a relationship with me. At which point I told him what I thought of him and cut him out of my life dead. How messed up is that? He’d not long been with his ex, jumped onto me as well as some other girl? He was begging me not to leave him claiming his account had been hacked and it wasnt him talking like that to her but after speaking some more to the girl, she told me they had a video chat and it was definitely him. I’m absolutely disgusted and hurt that someone thinks they can do this to me when I’ve been nothing but decent to him from day one. Sexting over snapchat may not be cheating by many people’s standards but it is to me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2019): I think your gut is right! Your intuition is on the mark!
If his behavior is erratic, be forewarned and cautious. He is probably rebounding as you suspect; and looking for an emotional "pain-killer" by attaching himself to you. He wants someone to nurse his wounds, listen to his complaints, and to make his ex suffer by jealousy. Always expect these to be the reasons a guy finds a new girlfriend only within months of a breakup.
Vindictiveness or vengeance towards someone who has hurt you isn't always a conscious-effort. Sometimes you instinctively, or involuntary/subconsciously react; through a series of movements that may inadvertently go in that direction. It's like showing your ex: "you didn't completely getaway with anything...looky, I found somebody else who cares about me!" To even care one way or the other, means you're not over that person.
Often Guys think immediately hooking-up or replacing an ex-girlfriend has "healing-properties." They either do it to keep his bed warm; or to distract him from his thoughts or pain over his loss. You are apparently a wise and perceptive person; and it usually takes a few years to develop such wisdom or foresight. Trust yourself, you're on the right track. Stay level-headed; but not paranoid.
Just be honest and straightforward with him. You realize or recognized his tendency to be needy or clingy. If you need to come-up for air; and feel it's all moving too fast, let him know! Sooner rather than later! Your feelings could get ahead of you; and then you won't be able to pullback before you dive feet-first into drama!
Exes are a proverbial pain in the buttocks! Whether they are there in material-presence, or only there in spirit. You know what I mean?!! If it's not your ex, it's their ex(es)! They're interchangeable; when it comes down to unnecessary distraction, or drama!
Rebound-feelings are deceptive to both the person possessing those kind of feelings; and the object of their affections.
Your convenient-timing and easy accessibility were just too good of an opportunity for him to pass-up! Only your maturity and common-sense kicked-in; and you've realized these feelings he has may not be coming from the same place as yours are. If you're not on the same page emotionally; you run the risk of his feelings changing midstream. She'll haunt your budding-relationship until you just can't stand it anymore! His drama queen reactions and emotionalizing about her will start to get on your nerves...as I think they already have?
I have to agree with your gut-feeling; and think pumping the breaks will keep things in proper-perspective.
You need to pace and/or reserve your feelings; and not be taken-in by his emotional-dependency and vulnerability. Which, when combined, can easily be mistaken for or misconstrued as falling in-love. Many women get fooled by it; and something tells me you've been down this road before.
Let past-experience and your best judgement be your guide, sweetheart!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 April 2019):
I think you NEED to listen to your gut as well as COMMON SENSE.
Someone who has been in a toxic relationship USUALLY takes a LOT longer to work through it and move on. Even if it was a short relationship.
You jumped in WAY too soon. It was nice of you to wanting to help him, but you should have done that AS A friend and when you discovered you has feeling you should have held back - because he wasn't ready. He still isn't ready.
The fact that he can't even stand to be in his own company - it's a bit of a red flag too. Someone who constantly needs attention and entertainment they aren't really able to RELY on themselves to sort things out and work things through. AND IT IS NOT your job to FIX his issues for him. A friend can LISTEN, support and try and give advice but they CAN NOT fix the issue and they shouldn't BE the "therapist" for this person either.
You ignored all the red flags because you liked who he USED to be and who you think he could become. "If only" he got over her. Life isn't always that simple.
He had an unhealthy relationship and "lost" some of his "puzzle pieces" - HE need to find those and work on remaking the puzzle ON HIS own. When he can see goals for the future (that are realistic) and he starts WORKING towards being the "BEST" version of himself, then... he might be ready to date.
He WANTS to be over his ex, so he can KEEP dating you. Because he doesn't WANT face reality or be single.
I think he NEEDS to be single and sort himself out.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 April 2019):
He’s not over her, not even close. He’s barely even started the grieving period, people can’t just hop around in different relationships and act like there won’t be any consequences.
LISTEN to your gut. If he winces at the mention of her name does it sound like he’s over things? Come on, be serious here. You are putting your own feelings on the line with someone who’s not fully committed. End things immediately, you know he’s not invested, I know he isn’t so why waste your time?
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