A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 11 yrs and I think I've made a mistake marrying him and did so too young. He is a lovely man - kind, trustworthy, caring, intelligent... The problem is I just don't love him anymore and sometimes find myself almost repulsed by him. Our sex life is a non existent joke and we really are more like friends than lovers. He's always telling me what to do and that's previously worked (he's 12 yrs older) but I'm now an assertive adult who wants to make my own decisions. The question really is do I stay in a relationship where we are good friends and pretty much give up on the chance to have a child or do I divorce my husband and look for passionate love? I really do think I just met him when I was too young and I have since changed from a child who worshipped the ground he walked on to an adult who get's frustrated as being constantly patronised and told what to do!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2009): Hello I read your letter and my husband is 12 years older than me also and tells me what to do all the time also. This is what made me fall out of love with him. He feels more like a father than a husband. And yes the sex is all gone with us also. I am not happy at all I don't know how old you are but you must be young. Leave now or it will get worst. Trust someone who stayed because he was a good man. Sometimes no matter how good the person is your love will not let you love him anymore, don't waste another day of your life. Life is to short to be unhappy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): I am certainly not the best one for advise but, here it is. I am in a relationship we have been together for 10 years and married for 4 and have a little girl. So I can say a child will not make you love him even more- one day you will think that you do and the next no! I tell you what I think- you should find someone who completes you! If you are more like friends then that is no place because you will get to a point where you want more- you want to feel needed and love and secure. And if it is not offered at home you will never be happy! Believe me that is way that I feel! I love him in a way but there are men out there that are passionate and caring and would love to be with a woman like you. Hope this helps, best of luck!
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female
reader, Angle79  +, writes (6 August 2008):
 Hi, i have had the same experience. Got marriage in a very young age without really understood what is love and family. It just did not work out. I broke up with him after 7 yrs.
From my experience, i should say! please LEAVE him if you dont LOVE him. Its painful to stay on like this, not just hurting yourself but him too. You could get a counselling??? Dont conceive to save your retionship, it won't work. Trust me. I have been through that. Please don't cheat on him either. Leave and move on.
All the best wishes to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): If there are no children to contend with and you both have a good grasp as to what assests will be shared, virtually everything after ll years, and if you truly have no love left for him. Leave. Some men are controlling regardles of their age and unfortunately when they feel threatened of losing their captive audience they put on a mask and are able to confuse you until they feel comfortable again. Bait and switch you emotionally. You have to make sure that you leave him for yourself, not someone else. Please be sure that you have a complete understanding, and you tell him that your intentions to build a new chapter in your life has no ill-respect toward him and that's why you need to leave. BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BE YOU without him. There is never an easy way to leave someone you once loved. If you feel like you've tried everything to be apart of his life and still don't want to be in his life, then so long. Good luck in finding your peace within. May your transition be swift and smooth.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2008): Divorce him! I am in the same situation but my husband is my age and he just acts older. The sex is rare and when we have it I am repulsed by him. We got married in our early 30's and now we are 40. I care about him because he is a great father to our little girl but I knew when I was dating him I had problems with the chemistry between us. The few times we had sex they were bad but I kept pretending hoping something would change. We have been together 10 years and our sex life has always been a problem. We are more like roomies than husband and wife. We don't even share much in common. If I had known then what I know now I never would have married him, however I don't for one minute regret our beautiful daughter, as she is the best part of my life. Perhaps I would have spared him so that he could be with someone who he could truly be in to, because he obviously is not too in to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): this was exactly like my marriage, i was thinking of divorce but my friend talked me out of it...3years later our relationship is going so much better, i am glad i didnt get a divorce. i think you should wait and maybe try at a better sex life
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry - I've somehow put in the wrong date of birth!! I'm 28 at the moment so was 17 when I met my husband. Thanks for all your advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Hi - I am 36 and feel precisely how you do. My advice to you is to not rush at this stage. I think you need to take the lead in your relationship. Definitely tell your man exactly how you are feeling. Do not hold back but do not be cruel - he will respect you and tell him you are telling him because you care about both your futures. He needs time to digest what you say and think for himself for a while. Then you need to concentrate on yourself. That sounds crazy but I get the feeling you are wanting to explore your own needs - and that doesn't just have to be about the relationship or men. It can be in any sphere of your life and you sound like you need to enrich your life in other ways. This has happened to me and its helping me see who I am I have gone on holiday on my own and developed new interests such as dancing. When you marry young (whatever young means to people is different) it can suppress you to the point that everything revolves around the marriage. Give yourself some time for free thinking and do things that you may not have - creative, sport, holidays. Your husband will see you are a woman in your own right and he will either move with you and want to build on that or he will distance himself. I think that will give you the answer. I think the issue of children is a tough one as I feel the same way but they are not my life purpose but would be a blessing if it happens.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 Complaining about your life on this forum is a harmless form of escape. Nobody gets hurt right?
It sounds to me like you still have some growing up to do because you aren't taking responsibility for the choices you make. For instance, staying with your husband is a decision you made, yet you come here to complain about the consequences of that choice instead of taking action to put yourself in a better place.
I'm not here to tell you what to do, but rather feed back what I think I'm hearing. You are afraid of leaving your comfort zone. You have no idea what lies beyond the door if you leave your safe little shell of a marriage. Standing on your own terrifies you - if it didn't you wouldn't be complaining about your current situation on this forum.
What do you think? Have I got it just about right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Obviously You still want to save your marriage right or you wouldnt have even asked our opinion. First have you told your Husband how you feel? That would be your number one step. Your age says 41-50 that means you were 29-30 when you got together. Sorry dear that is not to young I am 29 and I am jsut realizing what to be grown up means. For a female I mean. Cause ofcorse we all know SOME men never grow up. You say that you are still friends. The best Realationships are built on friendship. Where you friends before you were lovers? Try dating each other again, set aside one day a week to go with each other to a movie or go dancing ( remember you are there with each other and not looking for someone else). You need to woo him again try to get him interested. Try puting on a wrynolds wrap Bickini and wait for him to get home. Sit on the dinning room table and tell him dinner is served. He should respond. If he dont and tells youget off the table and put some clothes on(then you have a bigger problem).There is a possability that either he is depressed or he has hormone deficiancy or something, mabie he needs a shrink. Or you should try marriage counsling. Ofcorse he sould actually want to try and save your marriage not just you.Once all efferts are exosted then if you are still not happy and still have not fallen back in love with him and still dont love him. Then and only then would I leave the marriage. So as far as the Sex thing If you fall in love again that should fallow, most people who dont love each other dont make love to one another. Just do your self a favor if you feel you have to cheet then leave the relationship, nobody deserves to be cheeted on, and I do mean NOBODY.
Hope that helps
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): You were 30 at the yongest when you married him. How is that considered a child?? I don't get it! Well, if you're 41-50 years old are you sure you even can conceive? If you don't want to be married to him anymore, then leave him. Life's too short.
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female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (28 July 2008):
 You already know what you want to do. All you need now is a bit of courage to shake up your life. You only live once... follow your heart. I'm sure your husband is a great guy, but it's blindingly obvious that you don't want to be there any more. And it's not fair on him either to keep up the pretence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Well, if you're unhappy, then yes. Plus, if he's in love with you, it's also be unfair on him to be with someone who doesn't love him anymore.
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