A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:im 22 i have a 2 year old with a man i dont love, we were together a year when i fell pregnant, I was stupid 19 year old thinkin "it wont happen to me" although i cant say i regret it as i love her so much! But about a month after havin my daughter i completley fell out of love with her daddy, im still with him now but im not attracted to him, i dont love him, he anoys me with everythin he does, we dont sleep together at all, he loves me so much i no it would really really kill him and my daughter is the happyest little girl ever when were together as a family, how can i take that away from her! And if we split up she would have to be away from me to see him at weekends i couldnt do that! I dont want to be with him anymore, here is the reasons im stickin it out: cant take babys daddy away with out feelin guilty, if he meets someone eles she will have another mummy who will be spendin time with her the thought kills me this is the mean reason!, we would have everythin he really is a decent man good job, hates drinkin and goin out all he wants is a nice home kids wife, you dont get many men like that, all my exs have been horrible, at 16 i left home moved in with a 22year old who took drugs drank and hit me locked me in the house! Went on for 8 month till mum and dad dragged me away and took me spain so i could go back to him, since then till i met babys dad iv had 2 relationships with horrible people. Should i stay with him becus he is safe and baby loves him so so much!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): wow thats sad cause he do seem like a great man but if you not really interested then your sticking around for the wrong reasons and you should leave, you should put away your feelings about not wanting another women around your child away cause thats kinda childish and is saying you dont want him to be happy and thats not fair when you really dont want to be with him so if you feel deep down you dont want to be with him you should leave him cause its not fair for him for you to stick around when someone who actually mite want to be with him cant only cause he thinks you still want to be with him
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (24 December 2010):
 First, you need to be sure that your lack of attraction for this man is not being fueled by the change in your body chemistry as a result of having a baby.
Between the hormone changes, the emotional change in status (you are now a mommy), exhaustion of caring for a baby, etc...these things factor in to you not loving him right now more than most people think.
The next thing I want to point out is that you have an emotionally unhealthy attachment history. If most of the connections you have formed in the past have been emotionally dysfunctional, that will play a BIG role in your ability to accept a man that treats you well (according to your post).
What I am asking you is, in light of the above information, do you really think you are in a good head space right now to make such big life changing decisions that will affect your daughter?
It takes more than feeling the "hots" for some guy to build a family, but with an attachment history like yours, it will be challenging for you to respond with love to someone that treats you well.
GIVE IT TIME.
See how you feel in two years, when your body re-adjusts again, and you have gotten some therapy to deal with your past attachment issues.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): Don't do anything right now as you sound confused. Your history with men, even though you are young, is not good. Are you attracted to the riskier sort of man, people who may be more exciting but hell to be with ultimately. You are with a good man, enough though you don't love him. He offers a stability that is hard to find, as you admit. Don't leave him looking for a future that may see you in and out of relationships with a daughter in tow. If you want to leave him, do it after much thought, then resolve that your daughter will have as good and close relationship with her dad as is possible. He is a 'constant' in her life, but boyfriends come and go (her later relationships with men will be based on her own childhood experiences). Recognise you have made bad choices in the past and try to build on what you have experienced so far with men. You have to realise that your partner will move on with his life too, if you leave, maybe have a new partner. All is not lost as long as you act in as mature a way as you can, trying to be fair - only you can make that final decision. As long as your daughter and her Dad are happy within a relationship that is secure and ongoing, then you can move on and make a new life.
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A
male
reader, PM +, writes (24 December 2010):
 My belief is that people can become used to things that may not be healthy for them. In this situation, I think you've gotten used to being with abusive men to the point where a more normal man, like the father of your child, becomes boring and even annoying.
Like you've said, you had 2 horrible relationships with horrible people and now that you're with a decent man, he annoys you. If your have your daughter's interest at heart, then you should figure out a way to either fix the relationship or to get out of it altogether. Nothing is worse for a child than to grow up thinking that the thing she sees between her parents is love when her parents really don't want to be with each other. I'd suggest trying marriage counselling or just getting out of there.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 December 2010):
Except there's a problem - one day you will meet a man you really will love. And what will happen then? You'll wind up either cheating or leaving anyway. And don't say it won't happen, because it will. It happens all the time.
There is no way that this relationship can work, or even this life will work, if you don't love this man. You simply won't be able to fake it for the rest of your life. No one can. You don't really have the right to stay with a man just because he's safe. If he's a decent guy, then surely you'd agree that he deserves a woman who loves him, rather than a woman who is just there because it's safe.
And who says it is safe? I knew aged 6 that my father didn't love my mother. Your own daughter will pick it up one day, and you won't look too good. Children are NOT stupid. They can see through just about all emotions, and your daughter will know that you're lying.
Too much can go wrong if you stay with this man. Either he will suspect it, your daughter will suspect it (one day), or you will one day find a guy and cheat/leave. It's not right to live that way. It's just unfair to everyone.
As for her having another mother if he meets a new woman, no she won't. You will always be her mother. That's it.
As for you not being able to see her at weekends, well that's something that should have been taken into account some time ago. And, also, is it not better that your daughter sees her happy father at weekends, rather than seeing you both miserable together.
Plan this! And think! You've admitted that when you fell pregnant, you weren't thinking things through properly, and thought that it wouldn't happen to you. You now know that things DO happen. Don't make the same mistake again by not planning. This won't work if you don't love him, and you'll wind up in an even angrier and hurtful situation later in life.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla  +, writes (24 December 2010):
 No. You arent being fair to him. Leave him
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A
female
reader, young_and_foolish  +, writes (24 December 2010):
It wouldn't be fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where one partner is emotionally unfulfilled. It also can heighten the stress and underline the tedium of the tasks you share as a couple. Also kids are far more intuitive than we give them credit for. They can sense an unhealthy relationship or tension between mommy and daddy in even the toddler years. They also try to emulate the relationships they've seen at home in their own adult lives. Would you hope for your daughter to eventually settle for a man she doesn't love, or watch both her parents find and be in responsible,loving and fulfilling relationships or at least strong enough to be alone until the right person comes along.
Think of the example your setting and also of yourself, your happiness will make you an even better mom than I'm sure you already are.
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