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I don't love him, but should I let him go?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 March 2016) 2 Answers - (Newest, 29 March 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *ayah Playah writes:

I've been dating someone my own age for about six months now. For me, this is brand new. I never date for very long, so the fact I've made it this far is astonishing. This person, we'll call him Blue Eyes, I met him through my mother. She met him, liked him, and sent him my way. Initially, I went out with him because he was cute and my mother liked him, but now it's been six months and we're still together. I don't hate it, but I don't love it either. Blue Eyes is kind, sweet, trusting, and tries very hard to get me, which is strange for me. I've never dated a nice guy before, although we have little in common. It's not horrible.

There's another guy, let's call him Grey Eyes, and we've been friends for years. He's smart, funny, creative, and we really understand each other. Because of this, there's a connection that I feel with him that I can't deny, and when we've kissed in the past, my knees always felt weak and I felt a stirring in my stomach that I'd never experienced before. On top of all that, I feel like I can trust him with who I really am, the dorky chick inside that I cover with apathy and sarcasm, although I don't trust him with much else. Grey Eyes has a history of cheating, a history that I share, but his goes further back and has harmed more people. Because of this, I keep my distance.

Now then, I manage to keep my feelings under lock and key most days so as to not hurt anyone, but Blue Eyes decided to blind side me: he's going overseas for a whole month in a matter of days. I wasn't even consulted before he agreed. He just did so without even asking how I felt. Despite that, I smiled and told him I was happy for him. He was so excited, I couldn't be openly angry. That being said, it poses a dilemma.

There's an unspoken rule where I'm from that, if you're dating someone before they go overseas for some time, you either buckle down and make sure that they are keeping you constantly updated so they don't cheat or you break up with them until they come back. My problem is that I don't care either way. Blue Eyes is my boyfriend, yes, but do I really care if he cheats on me? My pride says yes. I can't deny that it would wound me if he did.

If I stay with him, then I risk him lying to me or thinking that he's lying to me the whole time he's gone. Blue Eyes hasn't even tried to get to second base with me, so maybe my pride is speaking for me. I don't know but it leads to the other hand.

If we break up for his trip, then it'll open a door for Grey Eyes to swoop in and knock me off my feet, something that I'll likely regret but be powerless to my own desire to intervene.

I don't know what to do. Am I just coming up with an excuse to break up with him? Maybe. But either way, I have to make a choice. Should I stay with him, or should I break up with him while he's overseas?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (29 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntBreak up with him, it appears you are just with him for the sake of it, that's not fair on him. Six months and no feelings is telling you that this relationship is not working. So don't force it. You describe him as being a good man, so why do you feel he will cheat? Do you not trust him? Have you low self esteem? There is no love or trust in this relationship, so set him free so he can find a girl that loves him for who he is.

As for Grey eyes, well if he has a past for cheating then I would suggest staying clear off him, you will never be able to trust him.

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A male reader, Galaham Sweden +, writes (28 March 2016):

My vague conclusion: Break up

I don't know what would make you think Blue eyes is gonna cheat on you. To us, you describe him as responsible and good man. If you can't put neither love, faithfulness or trust in him, you are only wasting his love, effort and time that he is ready to put in all for you. Because these are necessities in any relationship. And eventually, you are going to hurt him with the feelings you keep locked up and now describe for us. And it is gonna hurt more the more time is invested in this relationship. Maybe not for you, but for him.

Let Blue eyes go so that he can find someone who loves him for who he is. Don't let him be stuck with you, because you don't appreciate him being next to your side. Stop being selfish. Think what's best for him, rather than yourself for once.

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