A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my boyfriend for 1 ½ years, and we have been living together only 2 months, but its going really well. I thought things were perfect between us.. he is sweet, kind, thoughtful, considerate and the perfect gentleman. Really one of those ‘nice guys’ that I never thought I would find, and we are planning a proper future together.Recently for some reason I looked at his texts on his phone and there was one from a girl that just didn’t seem right... so I ended up finding his password to his yahoo account and found a history of conversations, with 2 girls in particular, the most recent one only a month ago, but they dated back a year, pretty much involving flirting and them sending him pics in their underwear etc. You get the idea. He doesn’t know them, they are strangers he met in a chat room. Yesterday I confronted him about it and he couldn’t stop crying. He was in a complete state, and said he was an idiot, he didn’t want me to leave him, he was so happy with me, I am the best thing that’s ever happened...etc. I tried to say “whats wrong with our relationship for you to do this” and he kept saying nothing was wrong, kept crying, and kept saying that everything was great and he is so upset that he has hurt me. I still don’t know why he did it though... I don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to split up with him, but I can’t forgive him. I don’t know whether to regard it as cheating (well I think it is) or whether to just get over it now and move on as he is truly sorry? I actually think he is suffering more than me now due to the guilt he feels so I don’t want to keep bringing it up. The thing is I can’t seem to move on because all the memories of the conversations he had with them are in my head and it makes me feel sick.. Also he is not a player or one of those horrible guys, trust me, I know those types of guys, he is genuinely a shy, sensitive guy (well in real life anyway). But I don’t know what to think about him now! I am so confused!!!
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chat room, flirt, move on, player, shy, split up, text, underwear Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): I feel sorry for you, but he does sound a little like a player . I think the timeline is very important here. Were the most recent email the suggestive ones? If so, I could not deal with it and would cut my losses too. You will always be looking over your shoulder.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): It is interesting how he feels guilt only after he is caught? Its been going on for years, and he never felt guilt enough during that time to stop, then that should tell you something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): If you can't forgive him then you will never get passed it and if he can't put his guilt behind him then it will never work out. You both need to sit down and have an honest talk - honest with each other and with yourselves- about his cheating. (and yes it is cheating if he sent text and emails back) He will have to understand that you will need to have access to all of his text and email accounts so that you are reassured. However, the main issue is this: An affair is not the cause of a broken relationship, it is the result of a broken relationship. I cheated on my fiance of 4years because there were communication problems and lack of quality time together. We worked it out once we realized what the issues were in the relationship that led us to grow apart. I had to forgive myself so that he could truly forgive me and I accept. Your man will need to tell you what his obssession with these women were. It may a porn issue or his insecurity as a man that you are not satisfying. He needs to tell you and you need to talk about it or it will never be resolved. Good luck. I wish you the best...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): You will never get this out of your mind. You will never fully trust him. You can't unring a bell. If there are no children involved cut your losses and run. It WILL happen again! Its better to hurt once than to sign up for a lifetime of hurt. Please, don't stay!
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