A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My relationship is ending. I feel like I'm losing my best friend, my person.I know I should "man up" but the grief is overwhelming right now. A 7+ year relationship is ending and I don't see any way that I can ever move on. The woman I fell in love with, the voice I heard EVERY day, the first person I thought of each morning and the last person I thought of each night - it's all changed.Nothing "big" happened, nobody cheated, nothing except it seemed we began to get on each other's nerves (more me getting on her nerves, actually) and bickering over stupid things. After fighting recently over something stupid (I don't even remember what it was), she told me, "You annoy me, you get on my nerves, I have nothing else to say to you." And I haven't heard from her since.This is not the first time we've "broken up." In the past when we would argue she would break up and we might not talk for a few days. But I can't do it anymore and rather than try to reach out to "fix" things (it was always me who did that) I'm giving up. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm broken hearted. I'm literally sick to my stomach. I don't know how I'll go on without her but I know I can't go on with her. Either way I go all I see happening is emotional pain.I guess I don't have a question, I just feel lost and alone. And I know, people will say it gets better, I'll get through it, I'll love again, it wasn't meant to be, etc. But from here, it's all I wanted and I don't see how I ever get over her.
View related questions:
best friend, fell in love, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Maysaxx  +, writes (21 September 2018):
How did it get this bad ask yourself
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2018): Hello! Sometimes being in a relationship like this and wanting to keep it just because you’re comfortable can be toxic too! “Man-up” is definitely not a word in my dictionary. It’s bullshit. In this society you should be free to feel however you want. Learning how to love yourself and your partner is very important. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Know that there are soooo many different things you can do. Think about all the things there are left to see in the world. You’ll definitely be extremely happy once you realize the true value of our lives. Being positive and living your life to the fullest and knowing that you’re never truly empty is honeslty such a powerful feeling. I suggest doing something new! Read amazing books that encourage empowering the mind! Visit a new place! Take a vacation and some time off by yourself. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. The possibilities are literally endless. Once you have this mindset and truly understand you’ll definitely be powerful and get through anything!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2018): A few years ago when I came to DC, I was describing all the same symptoms. I got blindsided. I got dumped. No fights, no one told me I got on their nerves; and up to the day I got dumped, we had a great time together. Only this lasted 10 months. I was told I could do better. Actually, those were prophetic-words. I truly did find someone many times better!
I could say one of the worst times in my life was when my partner of 28 years died of cancer. Now that did such a number on me; I didn't know if I would recover from it.
Two years before that, one of my younger sisters had died of leukemia, following a short remission from Hodgkin's Disease. So I was barely over that! Gut-wrenching grief!!!
There is a period of grief and loss. The withdrawal-symptoms of detachment feels like someone stuck a big hook through my heart and my guts, and yanked it out! I felt so drained, and miserable. The grieving felt endless. As time went on, it started to ease-up. My family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues came to my rescue! I found DC, and became an uncle!
It's too early in your loss to "man-up!" As one uncle said, you've got to undergo the grieving process; and let the emotions purge and flow. You can't fight it this soon anyway. That's why so many men turn to alcoholism, drugs, or man-whoring. The emotions insist on coming-out; and hiding them becomes impossible! So they/we resort to anger; or some behavior that masks what they/we truly want to do. Cry like a baby!!!
You can grieve and release in privacy. It doesn't have to be a public spectacle; nor should it be a dramatic-performance executed for her benefit. It's okay for her to see your tears; but they may not make any difference. It seems her mind is made up. After giving you seven of her best years, and "no marriage;" women will get sick of you! Even if they'll pretend that's not the reason, it's part of it.
You still have to pull yourself together after some emotional-purging; because you still have to work, and go through your daily functions and routines. Healing also comes from the will to survive. Let yourself go, and then pull yourself back into some reasonable composure. This will take a strain off your heart, and lift the stress on your mental-health. Keeping you fit to do your job; and not do harm to others. Don't let ego or anger talk you into being stupid and doing crazy things! You could end-up in jail!
"Manning-up" is far down the road. Being an adult, and maintaining your capacity to reason is in the present.
That's a must, not an option. You're not the only one this has ever happened to. Most do recover from it. I did!
You've got family; and hopefully, some friends. They fill the void. If you've neglected them, harbor grudges, or you have lost touch over the years; now is the time to mend fences and reconnect. It is healthy, it is rejuvenating; and also a time of redemption or forgiveness. To heal whatever wrongs you've done to others, that went unresolved for years. Reconnect with your spiritual-faith; if you ever had one. Start one, if you're open to it. It can be extremely comforting.
If you have the financial-means, take a vacation for some purification and relaxation. Go someplace quiet and peaceful. You need a change of scenery; and time you can meditate and sort-out your life-plans for the future. No rebound-romances, one-night-stands, or flings. This is strictly for mental-health reasons.
She obviously meant a lot to you. Sometimes women talk to their mothers, sisters, and friends. They begin to assess their lives and accomplishments. If they've come to a conclusion they didn't get all those things women look forward to by a certain age; my friend, there is nothing you can do or say that will satisfy them. They become a force of nature, their mind becomes fixed, and they start cleaning house! First to go, most immediately, is their major source of irritation. Their man!
It appears this is what has occurred in your lover's nest. You now have to move forward. It is what it is.
The pain subsides eventually. Healing takes time. Just don't allow yourself to go to pieces; because these are normal occurrences in our adult-lives. For me, it happened more than once. I survived and found the best love ever. I've been here on DC helping people with problems and broken-hearts ever since. I feel you brother!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 August 2018):
 It's not so strange to be feeling the way you are feeling. I think we have all been there at one point in time. So, know that it will get better, but breaking up with someone doesn't mean memories vanish or feelings just stop.
I have certain places that I will forever connect with certain people. They are good memories. ( those are the ones I prefer to hold on to). Life IS a series of events, which in turn creates memories, however, places are just places. What makes them special to YOU (and someone else) is the memories you created there, so again.. NORMAL to be reminded of a special someone when seeing a place.
YOU won't have the same memories with someone else, SHE won't either. In time though you will make NEW ones, alone and with other people. There will be NEW places to visit, NEW things to try. In that respect the World is a big place.
Getting into eating a bit better and working out again, is a good step. I'll compare it to physical rehab. While your mind and heart hurt and try and process, unpack and pack up so many things, you can allow yourself for a little while to just go on auto pilot (something the gym is great for!) I know when I lost my Mom and had days I didn't want to get out of bed, I did manage to go to the gym and not think about a single thing, and it helped me to not fall totally apart.
You HAVE to be good to yourself. After all, if YOU can't do that... who can? Yes?
And if people reach out to check up on you (friends and family) LET them. Don't "man up" or "put on a brave face". If you don't WANT to talk about it but would like company TELL them. It takes a lot of pressure of THEM as well as you. And if you have days where you don't WANT to talk to anyone, or be social, then don't.. It's OK - just don't isolate yourself.
Take it one day at a time.
...............................
A
male
reader, sczinger +, writes (29 August 2018):
I'm sorry but "Man Up" is bullshit. Make sure you eat right, even if you stare at your food for hours, take a sleep aid if need be so you get plenty of rest, surround yourself with supportive family and friends, but "man up?" Please. Grieve your ass off. You have to go through this. It's a natural, necessary process that your emotional and physical being has to live through. I'm very sorry you have to go through this but I promise... I PROMISE!!! It will get so much better. I'm in my 7th month and I'm light years ahead. Grieve. You've got to.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both, your words really do help. I already workout 3-4 times per week but I am a bit depressed so I haven't been working out as hard as usual. I am also struggling with eating which lowers my energy for workouts as well as energy for the work day. Yeah, I need to get through it and get back to my usual self.
I keep thinking of all the things that were "us" - the places we travelled, the things we liked and didn't like, the chemistry we had, etc., and then I think about her having those things with someone else and I want to vomit.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2018): It seems this time she touched a raw nerve and you felt that what she said she meant. People argue and say things but if the love is there for both it is there, I get the impression you felt she meant it and the love is one sided.If that is how you feel I think you are doing the right thing, despite it being hard for you because from this you know that the relationship is not based on mutual love. The onus is going to be on her and when she knows it is over if she doesn't want to be with you she will let it go or she will step up and show you she didn't mean what she says. I personally don't believe arguing and having ups and downs means you are not in love or even incompatible, some people struggle more with relationships and feelings, I love my boyfriend but I am not all hearts and flowers BUT one thing I don't do is name call, try and change him or say he gets on my nerves and walk away. You know how it was said, you also know what she is like with you overall and from all this you feel it is time to let go.Time is a great healer and it will take time, if you accept it is for the best then that will help you. Don't rush into another relationship until you are in a better place because a rebound may stop you thinking short term but you will eventually regret being with someone else and your feelings will still remain. It is hard, it took a long time for me to get over my first love but I am sorry if it is not right or working it is time to call it a day, you are still young enough to meet someone else in good time.Best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 August 2018):
You "man up" as you call it or you can DEAL with it. Ending a long term relationship is very much like grieving. It's the end of something familiar with a person you care(d) for, of course it will hurt! It would be weird if it didn't! Emotional pain is how we humans deal with crap that happens. It's the tunnel so to speak. And at the end... there is the light, a new beginning.
You went on with life BEFORE you met her. You can do it now again, without her. It will just be a new and different routine.
Spend some time with family and friends when you can and have the "mood" for it. Getting ON with life is really all you CAN do. Sure, it's OK to wallow a little in the break up - however, LIFE do go on.
Take it one day at a time.
It's too soon to be speculating about future relationships right now. What matters is the here and now and moving through the grief and loss.
I'd suggest you go join a gym for the simple reason that exercising help people work through things without paying attention. Working out, using your body (not your mind or feelings) can give you some respite from the emotional side of things. An hour on a treadmill, rowing machine, bike can just let your mind catch a break.
Lastly, you can LOVE someone, CARE for someone deeply and NOT be a good fit. The whole square peg, round hole. You can try and try and make it fit but at some point you are going to have to face that loving someone doesn't fix the incompatibilities in the long run.
Chin up, OP IT WILL get better.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2018):
 Honestly for what it is worth I think this is the best decision that you can make accepting that it is over for good. I know it has been a long time, but it is not normal to keep breaking up in a relationship, it is clear that you want to be with her more than she does you. Yes that is hard to accept and deal with but you will get there in time. Don't contact her again as you will only keep going around in the same circles. Just give yourself some time, don't man up. If you need to cry then cry if you need time by yourself then do that, but with each day it will get a tinier bit easier and you will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again.
...............................
|
